Today, ur ex classmate, May, picked me up in the morning and drove me to the cemetery to visit u.. she is a very nice person and a strong woman.. I hope u dun mind me visiting u every week .. She has told me what are your worries when u confided her as she can provide a listening ear.. From her, i know that u r worried for me.. u r worred that i dun love u anymore as i gave u cold shoulders.. lao gong, please don't be worried .. i guess that u have misunderstood me. I know i had pre-natal blues and therefore will always give a one word answer to u and don't talk to u as often as i do in the past. I really don't know that u r so affected by my behaviour.. i'm really sorry to make u worry and i really love u with all my heart.. U told her that u feel bad as u r not as rich as the others to provide a better life for me .. lao gong , i really don't mind u this way .. as long as we have a decent job, we won't starve .. most important thing is that we must be healthy .. we have a long chat about u and she sent me back home in the afternoon..
I've tried to control myself when i was at ur grave. I managed to do it.. I've tell myself not to cry in front of your grave and make u worry .. I had a long conversation with u, hope u can hear what i've said .. as i promised, next week when i visit u i will bring Bella there, when the chinese 7th month is over .. May said that my mood is getting better, not as depressed as the fi rst time she saw me.. I have a lot of friends and families to show support for me.. they are really very kind.. they will visit me whenever they got the time .. But wat she said is true, no matter what people said to me and how much encouragement they gave me, it's still up to me to get back on my feet.. i can't guarantee that i can get back up, but i will try, for the sake of our baby Bella..
U have changed a lot for me .. change for the better .. from a playful boy to a responsible person... thank u for changing for me, thank u for sacrificing for me and most importantly thank u for loving me..
My buddy said that a lot of people came to read my blog .. and he said that when he writes his travel blog, nobody bothers to read it.. he also said that a lot of people around me care for me, that's y they read my blog.. "thank u people for taking time to read my blog, i know i used a lot of broken english and wrong tenses .. pardon me ,ok ?" My buddy said that i shouldn't be so negative when i write blogs cos' it will affect people around me. He hopes that when time goes by, my blog will be getting more and more optimistic.. i will try .. but no guarantee again ..
Tomorrow i will bring Bella back home to visit mother cos' it's her full month. Mother said that she will be taking half day off tomorrow to see her, so do ur brothers .. really wish that u were around so that we can go back together.. I really longed for a happy family, cos' my own family is not a very happy one. I hope that i can build a happy family with u.. i guess we will never be complete without u .. i've given my all to u ..
I always have a bad habit .. tat is , daydreaming.. I always stare blankly at some object and my mind will start to wonder off . Sometimes when u talked to me, i will daydream and didn't listen to u.. U always dun like my bad habit and scolded me for doing that.. Nowadays , i daydream a lot more.. i can sit on my bed and stare blankly on the floor for more than 30mins just thinking about u.. I know u won't like tat .. sometimes i just can't help it..
Do u know that it's so hard to hide my feelings ? It's really difficult to put a strong front to everybody when deep down in my heart i'm really hurting.. I really dun wan to be a centre of attraction to everybody.. I'm not a attention-seeker.. I will still try my best to be strong, so that i won't make people around me to feel sad for me.
Everyday i will pray for u .. and pray for Bella's health .. if u can hear me, please protect bella from any harm .. i love u ..
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