So fragile

Dear Lao gong

U will surely believe that life is very fragile.. One moment u r standing just next to us and the next moment u r gone forever .. As for me, I will always leave my love ones with loving words as it might be the last time I'm seeing them. I'm not a pessimistic person.. But during this 2 months, it really make me realise how important it is to treasure our love ones. I don't want to leave this world full of regrets ..

Aunt condition is still not getting any better. I've gotten information from my brother that aunt is suffering from an illness with no caused. In medical terms, it is call "idiopathic", there is no explanations as to how it happens .. it is a rare case, happened to 1.43 out of 1 million people.. Brother said in singapore, there are only 2 to 3 people suffering from this condition. There is no cure to it, she just has to depend on long term steroids to substain her life.. At the moment, doctor will be giving her cyclophosphamide to treat for pulmonary hemosiderosis.. I don't really understand all these medical terms, but managed to goggle them to find out more information. Basically as of now, doctor will be giving her a chemotherapy type of medication, her hair will drop when she is under this medication. Doctor has no choice but to try this on her for the time being to see whether can her body take this medication to control her current situation. As there is no cure to this rare illness, doctor can only give different medications to her and do test on her, which made her something like a "white mouse" in the lab for testing..

I really feel so sad for my aunt .. How can this thing happen to her ?? I already lost u and i don't want to lose anyone anymore . Brother asked me not to worry so much as if can respond to the medication well , nothing will happen to her , she will only suffer from the side effects of medication.. I am really praying very hard for her , i really hope that God could save her .. It really hurts me to see her so helpless there .. I really wish u r here by my side to comfort me and tell me that she will be ok ..

Lao gong last night i've found almost all my primary school classmates on facebook.. felt so happy to find them there .. all the girls have become so pretty and i really couldn't recognise them when i see their pictures.. How time flies .. still remember the days when we are in primary school and now 18years later, all of us changed.. I really hope to meet up with them in the next gathering ..

I really miss ur smile and ur laughter.. It always brightens up my day .. Days are always so gloomy without u .. i still remember we are a very childish couple. We like to tickle each other and make fun of each other. Still remember u always believe that if a guy is afraid of tickling means he is scared of his wife... therefore u always tried to control yourself when i tickle u .. but i never failed to make u laugh out loud .. really love the way u laugh and the wrinkles forming at the tip of your eyes .. U r so cute .. Whenever we have meals in restaurants , we always disturb each other by playing 'leg wars' under the table .. i will never forget whenever u lose the 'leg wars' game, u will always pull up my legs and tickled till i surrender .. We are always so childish and don't really care how people look at us .. i really enjoy the times when we are together ..

I was watching this "I'm Yours" music video by Jason Mraz .. a beautiful song u always tried to learn and sing to me .. it was so sweet ..  I always love this song , especially when u sing this song for me.. i will never forget how u touched my heart..

Lao gong .. enjoy this song .. I'm yours ..

Engaging to my new hobby

Dear Lao gong

Sad to say .. i still engaged to my new hobby .. tat is crying .. it's so hard to put it down and let u go .. I guess i can never do that .. maybe 10 yrs down the road, i will still cry when i think of u .. how lovely u r .. how good u have treated me .. how much love u have given me . I will never forget all the precious moments we had .. I am thinking, what will run through a dying person's mind? At the very last moment, what will they be thinking? Or rather.. what have u thought of during the very very last moment when u breathe your last breath and when ur heart beat for the last time .. did u think of me and Bella ? Do u feel sad to leave us ? Have u struggled and trying your best to stay alive for us ?

I've been quite busy this week, visiting my aunt in the hospital .. she has been transferred to Mount Elizabeth hospital, with better health equipment at the ICU .. she is still so weak .. still felt breathless, needed oxygen mask to keep her alive .. Yesterday when i went to visit her, even though she was very weak she still asked me how is bella and ask me to take care of myself .. She was really a kind lady, even she is so sick, she still showed so much care and concern for me and Bella. She really helped us a lot. I know u knew that. If u r up there in heaven, please help to protect her, i want her to get well soon. It really breaks my heart to see her lying on the bed looking so weak. Yesterday she wrote me a note , she asked me to ask my brother, who is a pharmacist, what exactly is her illness, can her illness be cured .. she asked me to tell her honestly cos' she need to prepare herself. When i read the note, tears nearly fall down from my cheeks. I told myself i can't cry.. i shouldn't cry in front of her.. instead i should give her the support that i can give. I told her that my brother asked her not to worry, cos' it is not a incurable problem, it's just that doctor still need to do some tests.. i assured her and asked her not to think too much. However, she is still not quite convinced, cos' she wrote another note to me telling me said why does she still need the oxygen support .. and she will die if there is no oxygen supply. I really don't know how to answer her cos' i was really scared to make her worry if i said the wrong stuff. I keep telling her not to worry cos' it's only a temporary thing..

I went to the Public Trustee this afternoon, to settle some of your motorbike claims stuff .. it's at Maxwell road.. nearly lost my way there .. been walking for so long till my feet got blistered .. so painful .. i forgotten that i got 2 big holes at the back of my feet and when i bathe just now, it was super pain when my bodywash got into my skin .. ouch ! .. luckily i planned to go there earlier , if not, i'll be late for my appointment .. I really wished u were here with me now, to help me to put plaster on my wound ..

Lao gong, Bella is going to be 2 months old .. she can recognise people already. Whenever i called her, she will  look straight at me and smiled this gorgeous all-gums grin, she is so cute.. How nice if u were here with me.. I
know u will be the happiest daddy in the world .. Please always remember that Bella and I will always miss u ..
I'll be going to visit u this friday, together with May and 2 of ur ex classmates .. Ur classmates said that they wanted to pay respect to u cos' they only just found out what happened... I guess, life is really just too unpredictable .. i really don't understand why misfortunate things always happen to nice people .. that's really too unfair . Is there any fairness in this world ??

My mood is getting better.. at least a little better than a month ago .. I must say a big thank u to all my friends and relatives who keep for their accompaniment and their concern .. without them, i wouldn't have survive till now. Even though sometimes i'm out enjoying myself with my friends, enjoying food and drinks.. part of me still feel sad.. I feel sad because i can't do all these things with u .. Although i looked happy from the outside, but in my heart, I will always think of u when i laugh .. I really hope that we can sit together, have a good chat and laugh together. Things will never be the same without u .. i will always love u.. u r the most wonderful person I've ever met in my life ..

想说、想问、想懂、想装、想忘、想忆、想静、想哭

 

       有个人、爱过了、就结束了。
　　
　　有句话、说过了、就后悔了。
　　
　　有道伤、痛过了、就麻木了。
　　
　　有颗心、颤过了、就破碎了。
　　
　　一段亲情、过密了、就断绝了。
　　
　　一段友情、过近了、就稀释了。
　　
　　一段爱情、过深了、就剧终了。
　　
　　一段路口、过难了、就选错了。
　　
　　有些东西、时间放久了、就会变质的。有些感情、时间和距离、就会贬值的。

        有些痛、    酝酿得越久、发作得越离开。
　　
　　有时候、想说出那三个字、却没勇气。有时候、想说出另三个字、却狠不下心。
　　
　　有时候、想刻意记得、却总是忘记。
　　
　　有时候、想可以忘记、却总是败笔。
　　
　　唯一一个人、想爱、可不能。
　　
　　唯一一个人、想恨、不可能。
　　
　　唯一一个人、想留、却无能。
　　
　　唯一一个人、想放、却不能。
　　
　　恋着一个人、天使不曾离开。
　　
　　想着一个人、眼睛从不想睁开。
　　
　　望着一个人、眼睛在哪里停留。
　　
　　梦见一个人、笑容永远在嘴边。
　　
　　想说、我还喜欢你。
　　
　　想问、还喜欢我不。
　　
　　想懂、你在想什么。
　　
　　想装、所有的痛伤。
　　
　　想忘、美好的过去。
　　
　　想忆、却渐渐逝去。
　　
　　想静、却心烦意乱。
　　
　　想哭、却泪已流尽。
　　
　　曾幻想、你我依然在一起。
　　
　　曾梦想、我会一生有你。
　　
　　而如今、说不出那种感觉。道不出那份思念。
　　
　　记住、我不会把自己的伤痛与不快乐分享给你、那是因为我狠自私。
　　
　　我只会把自己的幸福和快乐分享给你、那是因为爱是自私 的。 
　　
　　所以、我受的伤、从不怪你。
　　
　　谢谢你让我开心死了－快乐死了－幸福死了。
　　
　　亲爱的老公 、晚安 。

无条件为你

Dear lao gong
I miss u .. sorry for being long-winded and keep repeating to u that i miss u .. I pray for u every night .. Even though i'm not a christian, i hope God that hear what i say.. Every night i will tell God to take care of u and tell God to protect Bella ..

Unconditional love .. is what u always gave me .. Thank u for loving me with all ur heart .. Thank u for giving me the love no one else has given me before .. Me too , has given u my unconditional love .. U are irreplaceable in my heart.. Even though u r no longer with me. U r still in my mind everyday regardless of whatever things i'm doing.. How do i live without u? I really don't know. All i know still i still have to stay alive ..

Life is really unpredictable. I'm sure u still remember my aunt , Jennie.. U said that she is the most understanding and reasonable aunt among all my relatives. She was admitted to hospital on wednesday. She said that she has been coughing blood and when she went to see doctor, doctor advised her to admit herself to hospital immediately as her condition was really bad. I went down to visit her on Saturday at East Shore hospital. She was at the ICU, with oxygen mask and inducing blood .. she can't breathe properly and losing blood.. Doctor is still doing some test on her to diagnose what is the problem..I really hope it's nothing serious .. When I went to visit her on Saturday, she looked so weak, i nearly cried in front of her. She can't talk as she is breathless.. My aunt visited her last night, she came back and told me that on Saturday midnight, her condition was so bad and she was in danger. Luckily doctor injected steriod in her to stablise her condition. Currently doctor is suspecting that she has a rare virus, her body's antibotic is attacking her internal organs, this virus is very rare, only in 1 out of 30,000 patients. I really hope it is not the case.. till now, doctor still doesn't have any outcome on her condition. I really really hope she will be fine .. I will pray to God to protect her .. she is such a nice lady, i'm sure she will get well soon ..

I went down to HDB this morning to file an appeal .. Even though i've removed ur name for the flat, HDB refused to grant me the Additional Housing Grant. I've called up the officer in charge last week to check with her why can't i apply for the AHG .. She said that it will be impossible as HDB only take into consideration on the date that we have applied for the flat .. She said that when we apply for the flat last year, our combined income is more than $5000 , therefore the AHG will not be approved. However, i told her that u r not around anymore and my salary is obviously below $5000 as she can see from my payslips that i've submitted. She still told me that according to procedure, it is not possible at all. Therefore i've decided to appeal by going down to fill up the form. I don't earn much monthly .. Now i have to take care of Bella on my own .. My monthly pay should be able to support Bella plus myself if i try to minimise on unneccesary things.. i really hope that HDB can approve on this grant so that it won't be so tedious for me next time when our house is ready ..

Sometimes i will think .. what if instead of u leaving me, i am the one who leave u .. Will u feel upset? will u grieve ? will u feel heart-broken ? will u feel how i feel now ?? If u really feel how i feel now, i would rather u go before me. I don't want to see u feeling so hurt .. this pain is even worse than a thousand arrows hitting straight into my heart. As i always said, no one else will understand how i feel .. U will only be able to feel it when it really happens to u .. People always ask me how am i feel now whenever they see me , i will always said, i'm alright.. I'm behaving more normal now as compared to a few weeks ago .. I'm learning to how to control my emotions and not letting people see the sadder side of me .. guess i'm doing a good job now ..

We can always see a lot of old people hanging out at HDB hub @ Toa payoh.. This morning while i was filling up the appeal form at the foodcourt, i saw 2 loving old couples holding hands while they walk pass the foodcourt. It was really heartwarming .. seeing them so loving at this age of 70 to 80 yrs old really melts my heart. I was thinking, how nice if it was us .. holding hands when we have grey hairs as we walked down the streets.. I was daydreaming for a while just now, images of u and me came to my mind when we are old.. I know it will never be possible again. I will be a lonely old woman next time, if i can live up to that age.. I really hate loneliness .. I really don't want to be an old woman living in the old age home, waiting to die .. However, no one will know how and what time we will leave this place and meet u there in heaven .. If u are really up there, please do wait for me . I love u so much my dear..

My wish

Dear God,
My name is Mcleen,
and I live here on Earth,
and as far as I’ve been told,
whatever I want,
I should ask you first.
I really don’t know much about you,
only what I’ve heard some people say,
they say you are something really magical,
and whenever I’m sad,
you’ll make it go away.
“Well”, if you can really hear me,
there’s something I want to discuss,
but promise you wont tell anyone,
just keep it, between the two of us,
I’ve been feeling a strange pain inside,
almost every single day,
it all started about a month ago,
when my hubby went away.
They said that you took him far away,
to a very special place,
they said I shouldn't cry or worry,
cause someday,
I’ll see my hubby's handsome face.
I don’t care what they say,
they don’t know what’s in my heart,
all I know is that my hubby is gone,
and it’s tearing me apart.
“Okay”, let me take a deep breathe,
and tell you what I want to say,
just be a little patient with me,
I’m just learning how to pray,
I want to make a deal with you,
and I hope that I'm not misunderstood,
I want you to give my hubby back to me,
and I promise, to always be good,
I know that sometimes I don’t listen
and I can behave very bad,
but I promise to stop now,
if you let me see my hubby,
I miss him so very much,
I just don’t know what to do,
I want to hug him,
kiss him,
touch him,
and wait for him after work,
what about when Christmas comes,
who will buy me presents?
What about when Bella grows up,
who to teach her  the right things?
If you can really hear me, can you help me?
cause I don’t understand,
how can my hubby be here with me one day,
and the next, his life is in your hands?
Who told you that you can have him?
Did you ever think of me?
Did you ever think of his mommy,
and how lonely, she would be?
I don’t mean to yell at you,
or disrespect you, in any kind of way,
I’m just feeling very hurt and angry,
cause my hubby has gone away!
“What was that you said”?
I think I hear you speak,
You say my hubby is in a beautiful place,
where only good people meet,
You say that you’ll watch over him,
as he watches over me.
You say you’ll never leave him alone,
and by his side, you’ll always be?
“Well”, if that’s the case,
I guess it will be alright,
that my hubby spends some time with you,
until we reunite.
Although it’s still not clear to me,
the reason why he’s gone,
I feel a little better now,
knowing that he is safe in your arms,
“ok”, it’s getting pretty late,
and I want to go to sleep,
but there’s just one wish I want to make,
and I pray you grant it just for me,
I know that it’s impossible,
you give me back my hubby, right now,
but could you make it sunshine again,
when my hubby was still around.

Amen, Love Mcleen

无法触碰

总会觉得孤单，总会觉得无助，总觉得心冷冷的，快冻结成冰，一碰就会碎。

每天说说笑笑，走走停停，玩玩闹闹，感觉那么充实，那么骄傲，那么快乐。可是，喧闹过后，一切都会消失，我只能独自一人，拖着孤独的背影。那些快乐，或许只是虚浮的表象，无法触碰心灵，我也无法抓住它，带它回家。

每天披着尖锐的刺，带着无所谓的表情，感觉那么无懈可击，那么坚强，那么现实。其实，我不想要坚强，更不想要刺。我是个女孩，我也需要依靠，需要被保护，我也想卸下防备，舒服窝在温暖里。可我找不到温暖之地，哪里都无法停靠，都无法触碰心灵深处。

我不要面具，不要防备，不要假装，不要猜忌……我通通不想要，都是累人的东西。

我该飘向哪，哪里才有信任，才有真诚，才有简单，才有依靠。

哪里才能融化快冰封的心，哪里才能抚摸心灵的孤寂。

First love

Dear lao gong

This is a beautiful sad love song .. should be about a decade ago .. we both love this song.. Not sure whether did u watched this japanese serial 10 years ago . I've watched that .. Very sad love story , always make me weep .. This song always makes me cry whenever i am sad .. I still do cry , u always said i'm silly and too emotional .. maybe i am, a very emotional person .. I will cry whenever i think of u .. tat's y u used to call me a big time crying baby..

Last night, as usual i will look through the many pictures that we have took, i still cry.. thinking back of the happy moments that we've shared and I can never see u again really breaks my heart. My wound still hurts, not really recovering but i hope it will recover one day.

Whenever i had bad dreams, u will give me a warm tight hug in the bed .. Recently when i sleep, i always have nightmares and wake up crying .. No one to hug me tight anymore .. i really missed ur big warm hug , i always feel so safe in ur arms..

During my confinement month, we have discussed on how much ang pow money we are giving my aunt for helping me with the confinement and taking care of Bella.. We have agreed on the amount just the day before u left .. I've given her the ang pow on your behalf since u r not around anymore..

U said before, Food always make u smile .. U love to eat .. I'm not a big eater and don't really enjoy good food cos' i don't know how to appreciate food. As long as food can fill my stomach, i am contented. During the days when we are together, u always drive me around to look for good food . I really enjoy the times eating and enjoying food with u .. I can never do that with u anymore. Though i still have my friends to bring me around to eat, the feeling is just different without u around. Maybe i'm too used to eat with u and maybe u just pampered me too much ..

I used to be a party animal and i love to drink .. Still remember last time we used to party and drink on occasions. It's really fun . But i don't agree to drink and drowning to my sorrows cos' i know that doesn't help.. I'm already a mother and i shouldn't be so childish. I will still drink sometimes, but not to drink when i am sad .. i will drink when i am happy..

Time passes by much faster this week . Monday went to JB with May , Tues slack at home with Bella , Wed visit u at the cemetery , Thurs went out with some friends for lunch and dinner and today it's Friday .. I'm going back to work soon, somewhere mid november, hope that work can divert my attention away from u so that i will feel better.. Hmm.. i dreamt about u the night before and last night. But I can't remember my dream when i woke up, all i can remember is that i saw ur face..

I was filling up some forms from HDB just now with regards to our HDB flat .. I have to fill up the marital status as 'widowed'.. Sigh .. it's such a sad thing to do. We were just married 4 months ago, no chance for me to select the 'married' box, i have to go all the way down to 'widowed' .. I always love to be your "Mrs Tan" .. But now, i have to be addressed as "Mdm Cheen" .. Till now, i still feel God is so unfair .. I will still keep the flat and try my best to support Bella and our house.. I won't give up on this flat cos' i know u won't want me to. This is suppose to be our love nest. We are so happy when we gotten this flat and have make so many plans. Now, it's only me, to fulfill our dream home.

Everybody can feel my sadness and sorrow .. Everybody is worried about me too, worried that i think too much, worried that i can never stand up, worried that i can't move on .. no one can understand how painful i feel to lose u ..

For my love ..

One morning I found you in eternal sleep;
I tried to wake you as I began to weep,
But all my pleas you could not hear;
Oh if I could have only kept you near,
Away from the voices of those who went before,
Who beckoned you to come to that distant shore.


I find it so very hard to believe
That you have gone and I must grieve;
I call out your name -- you answer not,
And I look for you in every familiar spot.
Everything seems so strange and surreal,
I ask everyday is it a dream or real?


Where are the soft brown eyes of affection?
Where is the laughter and talk of childhood reflection?
Where is the loving care when I was sick or sad?
Where is the generous soul for which I was glad?
Where is the forgiving and understanding heart?
Where are the bonds that were there from the start?


I miss all the little ways you showed you cared,
For there were so many good moments we shared;
Looking back on my life’s assorted scenes,
I realized you taught me what love truly means;
You were my trusted confidante and best friend,
On whose loving support I could always depend.


I look at your smiling face in all my photos;
Memories flood my mind as I touch the mementos
From the happy times you and I have had,
But now these bring tears and make me sad;
For the time together went by in a wink,
Life was not as long as we’d like to think.


Sometimes memories bring comfort and make me smile,
But there are times when grief takes over for a while;
Friends offer gentle words and prayers to console,
And tell me what has happened to your loving soul;
Can it be true what they say of time healing grief?
Is it enough when they say death has given you relief?


Can we believe what others say of a better place,
Where our beloved ones rest in God’s warm embrace?
I should be happy you’re free of pain and sorrow,
And rejoice that you’ll always have tomorrow.
How can I then be so heartbroken and selfishly cry,
Return to me from that peaceful place where you lie!”


Now I look down at your name on a cold hard stone
That says little of the loving light you have shone;
It tells nothing of the wonderful person you were,
And only serves to remind me of the painful loss I endure;
But I know your kind soul wants no tears or pain,
Instead you’d want warm memories and love to remain.


Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore

Happy mid autumn festival

Dear lao gong

Happy mooncake festival to u .. It's the mid autumn fest today, a day of joy and family reunion.. If u were around, we should be at East Coast Park by now and admiring the big round moon.. Since the day u left, I will feel extremely sad during ocassions. Still remember last time we always celebrate every ocassions .. from new yr to chinese new yr to rice dumpling fest to anniversary to mid autumn fest to our birthdays to hari raya to deepavali to christmas .. so many ocassions that we used to celebrate when we were around. But now, happy ocassions seem lonely to me ..

This morning i lost my cool and quarrelled with aunt .. It was because i have already told her last week that i'm bringing Bella to visit u at the cemetery today as it is mid autumn fest .. She don't allow me to bring her to the cemetery cos' she said it's not very good to keep bringing baby to this place.. In the end she has no choice but to give in to me .. I'm so glad that we have a family gathering at the cemetery with u .. I'm sure u saw Bella right? Isn't she cute? She is growing bigger and bigger each day .. Did u see Bella smile when i brought her to ur grave? It was a beautiful smile from Bella..  Bella really smiled at u when i told her that daddy is here. She really missed her daddy .. She must have felt her daddy's presence there if not she wouldn't have smiled..

This evening my buddy told me something which is indeed very meaningful.. He said that there is 4 parts to happiness .. 1st is marriage (love), 2nd is health, 3rd is family and 4th is friends .. He said that even though i've lost my only love.. there is still 75% of happiness in my life.. I still have my health, family and friends.. He said that losing 25% is not a big deal cos' i still have more than  50% left .. Ya i agree it's true.. i still have my 75% and i should cherish as much as possible.. I will cherish them .. Losing u is really hard for me to accept cos' u r so dear to me .. My buddy is always worried for me whenever he read my blog. He always tell me to 'see open' and accept the fact that u r gone. I am, trying very hard to stand back up again.. please give me the strength to do so..

My uncle once told me that there is a friend of his who lost his wife after a battle with cancer.. He loved his wife a lot .. when she passed away, he will drive to her grave every morning to see her and put a rose on her tomb.. He did the same thing for 100days.. how romantic is this guy .. he really loved his wife a lot to do that for her everyday.. I really wished i could do that for u, to visit u everyday at the grave and talked to u. But my family said that it's dangerous to go to the cemetery alone as it's too quiet. Therefore i have make it a point to visit u once every week to talk to u.. I have been keeping to my promised, I hope u won't feel too lonely there as i only can visit u once a week.. really hope u can understand..

Lao gong, i really love u .. I know that sometimes u have unhappy things in ur mind, u refused to share with me cos' u don't want me to worry .. If there is anything that i've done in the past that hurt u , I sincerely apologise to u .. I might be insensitive sometimes and doesn't care about your feelings... I'm sorry, i didn't do that on purpose.. Please do remember this .. U r my one and only love .. U r always the greatest hubby in my heart.

Gone, but not forgotten

Dear lao gong



Even though u r no longer with us , but u will always be remembered as, a well-respected, responsible, understanding, kind-hearted, caring and a fine man .. U will forever live in our hearts and u will definitely not be forgotten. Even though Bella is still unaware of what is happening around her, i will explain to her how great her daddy was when she grows up ..

Hope that u can still remember our favourite hangout place .. our room ..



our bed .. where we always have pillow fights .. ur favourite place after a day of hard work and i always give u a good massage when u come back home from work .. u must have missed that ..



    Some decos in our room ..

Photos  i've put on the shelves ...

your favourite perfume .. my fav smell ..

ur cool cool sunglasses .. looks good on u ..

our favourite chair .. very strong chair .. can withstand both of our weights on it .. We always sit on this chair to surf the net together and watch movies on the web ..

All your clothings in the cupboard.. I can't help but always open to look at your clothings .. i really missed u ..

our snacks and drinks corner in the room

our favourite entertainment .. to lie on the bed and watch tv .. sometimes when we have the mood, we will groove to the music ..

I'm always so proud of u ..

Your DIY card for me on my 27th birthday last year .. though simple, it was really sweet .. The words on the card written especially for me really touched my heart .. thank u laogong .. Even though we had a simple celebration in the room with champagne and a cake .. it was indeed a happy moment for us .. However, u didn't keep up your promise to spend every of my birthday with me till my last one .. It's really sad for me to spend it all alone now, without u.

I've put up these pictures in the blog so that I won't forget all these sweet memories when i grow old .. It seems like my memory is getting worse now . Keep forgetting stuff here and there , maybe i'm getting old .. If i were to lose my memory one day, all these pictures will remind me of the good times we had ..

I will always remember how well u have treated me, especially when i'm pregnant .. always giving in to me, whenever i'm tired after work, u will massage my shoulders and my legs .. u will buy my favourite chocolates for me .. pick me up from work almost everyday cos' u don't want me to take the public transport back .. when my stomach is bigger and heavier, i walked slower , u will always slow down and follow my pace .. eat the things that i liked with me .. sometimes u will take leave to send me for checkups .. take time off to accompany me during my off days .. I still remember while i was about 7 months pregnant, during work , i stood on a stool to pin some notices up on the wall . U were supposed to pick me up at 8pm after my work but u came earlier.. When u passed by the branch to check out what i was doing and saw me standing on the stood, u quickly came to me and asked me to come down from the stood. I can see how worried u r for me .. U offered to help me pin the notices up. It was really sweet of u .. these little actions from u really touched my heart and showed how much u care for me.. I always know u love me the most and u have given me all the love that u can give. I really appreciate that. I'm still struggling hard to live the life without u .. It's never easy and will never me easy for me..

Lao gong.. thank u for loving me and give me 101% of your love to me.. I know u r always worried that one day i will leave u .. Please don't be .. cos' i will never leave u .. Even though u have left me, my heart will still be with you as always..

Our happy moments

Dear lao gong

We have so many happy moments together .. from the day we first met till the day u left me .. U have given me so much of happy moments which i will never forget.. from the day u proposed to me to the day we found out that we are having a baby to our wedding photoshoots to our wedding day to the birth of our baby .. it's really wonderful.. I know happy moments don't last forever but i never know it was so short.

This is your favourite picture of me and u. U have specially ask the bridal shop to enlarge and make it to a big wall picture to put in the room of our future house that we are getting soon..

Our only family photo taken during our big day.. Without u in our family really makes us feel so hurt. Not only me that is hurting and crying .. so do the rest of our family members whom really love u so much . Many tears were shed, but still, we can't bring u back anymore.. U were the youngest in the family, mother worried for u the most, your brothers care for u the most cos' u r the baby in the family.. never did they expect u to be gone so soon.

Yesterday mother went to the cemetery to visit u .. 1st brother fetch her there .. She said they have lost they way and have trouble finding the place. But luckily they managed to find it after so many rounds. They reached home quite late and mother was very tired.. She said that she did prayers for u and hope that u can hear. It's really great to see the relationship between mother and 1st brother is getting better. Whenever 1st brother cooks at home, he will cook an extra share for mother which he usually doesn't do that .. It must be u .. thank u for making their relationship better..

Last night, i went to a pub in serangoon gardens to watch the big match between ManU and Liverpool with my buddies .. though Liverpool lost, it's a good match.. very exciting. How i wish we are able to watch this match together .. U will always purposely support the opposition to spite me .. even though we felt childish , but we always have a lot of fun watching matches every weekend.. My buddy ordered Hoegarden for me .. Hmm.. Hoegarden .. my favourite beer. Still remember last time when we drink together, u always order or buy for me this beer .. It's been a long time since i drank Hoegarden as i can't drink during pregnancy,, Seeing this pint of beer on my table really makes me feel sad, cos' it will always remind me of u, the great times we had while hanging out in pubs..

I just came back for JB .. May brought me to her hairstylist cos' i told her that i wanted to have a new hairstyle.. This hairstylist was really great. I remembered u telling me not to cut my hair shorter anymore cos' u prefer me to have long hair with bangs and preferably with curls, just like last time, before i cut my locks.. The hairstylist recommended me a hairstyle which suits me .. It will be my current hair length with curls .. something like a korean look hairstyle .. I was quite nervous while he was perming my hair cos' i was so afraid that i don't look nice .. after about 3 hours of perming and washing hair , the results is really good. I love my new look .. really wish u can take a look at me now .. I know u will surely like it..

A happy life is a meaningful life.. The meaning of life resides in joy and the feeling of harmony connected to happiness.. without happiness, life loses meaning.. And with me now without u , life doesn't have a meaning to me anymore... I only have a mission and a responsibility in my life now .. After completing the mission , i will be free to go ..

All about ... ur mum

Dear Lao gong

Yesterday i brought Bella back home to mother .. As promised , i'll make it a point to bring her back every weekend so that she won't be bored.. Today Bella was awake the whole afternoon and she had a great time playing with her .. i'm so glad to see the smile on her face again.. However, she said some stuff to Bella which really hurts me .. like a thousand arrows hitting into my heart .. she keep asking Bella "where is daddy?" "daddy is not around to see u anymore", "u r so cute and yet daddy can't see u", "daddy can't sayang u anymore", "daddy has already changed to a better man, but too bad he is not here anymore" .. all these words are so hurtful to me when i heard her say. I don't blame mother for saying all these to Bella , cos' she won't understand either. I know deep in her heart, she felt really upset to lose such a good son.

Mother and I had a long chat yesterday .. talking about ur past , how u turn from good to bad and to good again , how u treated mother , how are your past relationships .. Mother has quite a good impression of Miss P,a brief 3 mths relationship between u and her and suddenly one fine day just ended. Mother said she is a fine teacher and a very decent girl. But she is not sure y u totally ignored her one day. She said that Miss P loved u a lot .. but really don't understand why u behave this way .. anyway i've told mother u must have your own reasons for doing that. Yup she agreed, cos' relationship thingy is really complicated sometimes. However, mother has a very bad impression of ur ex gf before Miss P.. I shall not elaborate as u should know why .. She really doesn't like Miss Y very much due to her bad habits and influence. I just tell her that Love is Blind . Mother said that u totally changed to another person after u know me , u have try ur best to stop ur bad habits and she was quite impressed with what u did. She asked me what have i done to u, I just tell her that u changed for the better , but not for me , it's for ur own good.

You are always treated like a king at home.. The moment u reached home, u throw ur clothes on the floor , mother will pick it up and wash for u , mother will prepare dinner for u , mother will clean the room for u , mother will pay ur monthly bills for u . We are both fortunate children . My aunt did the same thing for me .. Therefore most of the time we will be at either of our homes for our dinner. Yup it's true, we love home cook food, esp. the food prepare by mother or my aunt. They will always prepare the best things for us. U always complain saying that y didn't i learn cooking , i always have the excuse saying that everyday we have homecook meals prepared by our parents , so don't need to learn cooking for the time being. Sorry for being lazy , i should have learn cooking earlier so at least u can try my cooking for once. Sometimes, when u r in the mood to prepare food, u will. Then i will be by your side taking the role of ur helper. We have prepared spaghetti , prata sausages, garlic bread, mushroom soups, wedges, nuggets and instant noodles before in your kitchen. And during Chinese new year this year, we have prepared a romantic steamboat dinner at your place, just the 2 of us.. Even though it's just a simple steamboat dinner prepared by us, it was very sweet. I will never forget that moment.

I still remember that the first night we met, i went to ur place to stayover with a group of friends.. It was really enjoyable. I guess we are fated to meet on Good Friday last year. After that night, we practically met up almost everyday. U will always come pick me up after work and we spend time together and have fun. On the 2nd week, u wanted to introduce me to ur mum as ur gf. At first, i hesitated. I felt that it was too fast to do that. But u insisted, so i guess i have no choice. From then on, we will always go back to ur place to have homecooked dinners after work. Mother was so happy that u go back home for dinner almost everyday.. What a wonderful feeling.. But i guess happy moments are always so short..

Mother said that she wants to give me some money when she gets her salary every month. I tried rejcting her many times, telling and assuring her that my monthly salary is enough to support Bella. But she insisted saying that u r gone, she should give me some money for the baby.. Anyway not to worry, i will keep the money aside for the time being and won't use it..  I know that she has good intentions, i keep telling her to keep the money for her own use. But she said a very sad thing, she said that she is old, no point keeping the money for herself. I really felt so sad after hearing what she said.. I'm sorry, i am really not sure how to reply her ..

Just saw a friend of mine posting this on her facebook :

"遇上一個人，只需一分鐘；喜歡一個人，只需一刻鐘；愛上一個人，只需一小時；但要忘了一個人，卻要一生"

It's true .. one really need a lifetime to forget a person, especially that very beloved that she once loved. What is love ? Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.. Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

I've posted our wedding photoshoot in my facebook .. That time i was 4 months pregnant .. taking these photoshoots were really tiring and i still have to go back to work in the evening till midnight that day .. Everything was so rush . I still remember u were so angry with the photographer who is a butch. She kept giving me a lot of her attention and totally ignored u. U were so jealous and said that she was interested in me.. tat was so funny , u r indeed a very possessive person, but it's ok , i like the way u r ..

Hmm.. seems like my blog today is not as sad as before .. I'm trying my best to be as positive as i could. Cos' to affect people around me and make them cry everytime they read my blog really makes me feel bad.. But deep in my heart , i still feel sad .. still as sad as before .. still thinking of u and the scene that day still haunting me..

Nice song & movie that we both loved..

Your final goodbye

Dear lao gong

Are these the things u wanna say to me??

Sometimes I wish I could rewind my life,
To think about all my actions one more time,
And to think about all the people I hurt.
I knew all the pain would one day come back to haunt me,
And sure enough in the end it hit me.
Like a knife to my heart,
And a bullet to my brain,
I finally felt the pain early morning that day.
I knew I should have said good bye,
But I didn't want to see you cry,
I never knew I was going to die.
I thought I'd be back,
With plenty of time to pick up my slack.
The accident, it wasn't my fault,
I guesss i was a litte tired,
With some alcohol adding to fire.
I just wanted to have a little fun,
No harm would be done.
Now I lie here as my life passes me by,
I don't even have the strength to cry.
I see the face of my friends at my side,
And think of u and mummy who would surely cry.
My darling,
You didn't get to say goodbye,
And neither did I.
I want you to know my love for you was dear.
Tell Bella that I love her,
And tell that to my mummy, and my 3 brothers.

To all who loved and all who cared,
Thank you and goodbye.
I can hear the sirens now,
But my heart is filled with fear.
It's too late,
Death must be my fate.
So I guess my life ends here,
Please don't shed a tear.
I love you very much and my heart you DID touch.

Lao gong .. i really wish i just have five minutes with u ..

If I only had five minutes the day you passed away,
I would have had time to tell you all the things I needed to say.
I never got to tell you how much you mean to me,
Or that you were the best hubby, better than any man could be.
The last time that I talked to you
I wish I would have known.
I would have said I love you,
and kept you by my side.

If I only had five minutes,
the morning you passed away,
I'd give you one last hug so tight and see your great big smile.
I'd tell you that I don't think I could live without you,
not even for awhile.
I'd kiss your cheek and take your hand and tell you it's okay to go
And tell you that I'll miss you,
more than you'll ever know.

But you were gone so quickly,
One last car ride you'd take.
Before you even knew it,
you were standing at heavens gate.
Now God has called upon you,
It's time to get your wings.
To leave this life behind you,
And enjoy all of heavens beautiful things.
So wait for me in heaven my dear,
Don't let me come alone.
The day the angels come for me,
Please be there to bring me home.

Contradicting Life

Dear lao gong

Do u think that life is a big contradiction? I felt so contradicting .. At first , we were so happy celebrating life and when 2 weeks passed, i am mourning your death .. It isn't easy for me .. so happy at one moment and suddenly felt heartbroken on the other.. I'm sure u feel the same way too ..

My heart is dead the moment u left me .. I'm just like a walking zombie, with the responsibility to take care of Bella and make sure she grows up well.. Everything else seems not important to me anymore. I'm feeling so tired that i really want to sleep with you in the coffin forever .. I want to go to the place where u r now, free from pain and worries .. I wish i can , but i know i can't cos' i still have a big responsibility ..

I have a number of past relationships .. But u r my first true love . U r the one can gave me the feeling to spend the rest of my life with .. This kind of feeling is different from my past relationships.. U do feel the same too right? That's the reason why u asked me to marry u when we just knew each other for about 3 months.. I always thought that u r crazy to proposed to me in that short period of time. But every little things u do for me really touch my heart .. I know u loved me , more than any of your ex girlfriends .. I love u too , more than anything else.. Now u r gone , i can only hold on to the sweet memories that we've had .. My buddy said sweet memories are meant to be happy and make u laugh , but i don't feel the same . Whenever i think of the good times we had, i will feel very sad, cos' i know we don't have the chance to do that anymore ..

I went for postnatal checkup yesterday evening.. Dr Tee did the scanning for me and checked on my stitches.. he said everything is very good .. He did pap smear test and will post me the result in a month's time .. My next appointment will be next year at this time , to do a pap smear test yearly.. hope everything will be fine .. He asked me about family planning too .. I said i had no plans now , he asked me why , but i didn't tell him what happen and give him a sad look ..

I know u have a lot of things to tell me too .. But u will surely wanted to tell me Sorry .. Please don't be sorry , cos' i know u wouldn't want this to happen .. I understand .. People around me feel sad for u and me.. It's fate that is making a fool of us .

I'm not a person who is into blogs and i don't have the habit to read blogs written by others. Maybe that's not my interest.. U too, dun like to read blogs .. But i guess i have no choice but to write blogs so that i will feel better .. I may be stupid to write so many stuff here, cos' i know u won't be able to read it. I just have to, so that everytime after writing blogs, i felt much better..

Hmm.. it's TGIF .. if u r around, ur mood will be good cos' weekend is coming.. Not sure why, but i felt really sad whenever weekend is here.. I longed for u to be around to spend time with me and Bella .. I feel extremely lonely during the weekends when u were gone .. No one to talk to , no tv progammes to watch and no place to go .. Haizz... not sure how many lonely weekends i have to go through to reach my final destination ..

It's been a month

Dear lao gong

It's a month since u've been gone.. I've been grieving for a month.. hmm.. i guess i've already lost touch of time.. The longer it is .. the more i miss u .. Do u know that besides me and Bella , u r being missed by everyone too.?? Usually people will celebrate one month anniversary .. I am too .. ur sad one month anniversary.

i can still remember clearly on this very day, 15 august 2010, when u kissed goodbye to me and left my place at 10pm. I remember very clearly the way u looked at me .. even though u have big big eyes, but the way u looked at me always make my heart melt.. U were tired even though it's a sunday as u have overnight duty the day before. I can see how tired u r, therefore i asked u to go back home earlier so that u can have a good night rest and be fresh for work on monday. I really felt heart ache to see u so tired and stressed up with work .. I've asked u to stay with me and Bella over at my place, but u insisted to go home cos' u did not bring your uniform with u. I should have insisted to let u stay, if u stayed with us, nothing would have happen. If u have stayed with us, u can help to take care of Bella and not asking your friends to go out for drinks in the middle of the night.. I wanted u to have more rest, but i guess i was wrong .. I really should have insisted u to stay on ..

16 aug 2010 morning was the worst day of my life. It is especially hurtful when I went to the mortuary to identify your body. I can still remember so clearly that u r lying motionless in the room, your eyes closed, with bandages on your head, white blanket covering  your body, some bruises on your face and your pale lips.. I really couldn't believe that the person lying there is my husband.. how can god be so cruel to u ? I broke down, i cried like i never cried before in my life.. i just couldn't control my emotions..

I've been to the accident scene twice.. Images are still fresh on my head.. The broken bark fallen off from the trunk, the pieces of damages and broken parts from the bike, the thick blood from your head left on the grass, the plastic gloves left behind.. The scene of your accident keep running through my mind. I can imagine that u were travelling in high speed, crashed onto the tree, flew out of ur bike and landed straight on your head. U must be unconscious at that moment and was struggling for your life. In the end, u gave up and left us.. tat's just too cruel.. I know u have tried your very best to survive at that point of time, I won't blame u for leaving us cos' if u have a choice, u won't ..

Yesterday May fetched me to visit u at the cemetery.. I've put more colourful plastic flowers on the grave. Hope u won't feel 'girlish' cos' your grave looked really colourful with the different colours and types of plastic flowers.. Miss P said that u can't pay u a visit today as she is busy.. she wanted me to say 'hi' to u and 'she misses u'.. I'm not really sure what kind of relationship is between u and Miss P or have u met up with her recently.. But i can tell from her messages that she is very sad to lose u..

At the moment, I won't cancel your mobile line.. cos' we still can hear your voice in your mailbox. It really means a lot to us when we are able to hear your voice.  And that is the only place we can hear from u.. Even though it's just a word from u saying "Vincent" ..

I was wondering .. when Bella grows up and asks me about her daddy.. what should i tell her ?? Should i tell her that daddy has gone to a far far place and will never come back? I guess she will feel very sad if her daddy is not around with her. All i can do is to show her pictures of u and tell her how great u were. I really hope she will understand some day and won't feel as heartbroken as how i feel now.. I am also worried that when she goes to school one day or when i bring her out, how will she feel when she sees happy families around, kids with mummy and daddy.. Will she feel unfair that she only have mummy and doesn't have a daddy?

I went to Yishun Central in the morning to pick up some stuff.. I pass by Northpoint and saw the place where u usually wait for me when u pick me up from work.. I felt so sad and cried. It just seems like yesterday when u waited for me there.. I really don't like to go out to places where we usually go.. Places like Hougang Mall, Ang Mo Kio hub and Northpoint.. Whenever i go to these places, i will think of u .. I can picture out the scenes that we talked and held hands walking in the malls.. I think i will avoid going to these places for the moment. Sweet memories of u and me really makes me so sad..

Later in the evening i will be going for my post natal checkup at AMK clinic.. Still remember when i was pregnant, u always bring me there for checkups and u r always very excited to see our baby when doctor is doing ultrasound scan .. Not sure whether i will cry later .. but i will try to hold back my tears .. Haiz..  seems like crying is my new hobby ..

Why you ?

As each day passes

I sit and wonder why?

why you were taken

without a chance to say goodbye

and as I start thinking

with tears running down my cheeks

I think of life without you and it really makes me weep



I think of the future

and nothing seems that bright nothing is the same without you by my side

all I have is memories and a hole inside my heart

I knew how much I loved you from the very start



I look at the pillow beside me where you use to rest your head

now all I have is a grave to look at instead

I longed for you to hold me

tell me everything's ok

I just want so much for this pain to go away


You take life for granted without a thought about the day someone that you truly love is suddenly taken away

幸福的小女人

Dear lao gong

U always said that u will make me your 幸福的小女人.. Yup no deny.. U really make me feel like one.. I'm really thankful for all the love and care you have given me.. I know u have some very personal things that u wouldn't want to share with me.. cos' u don't want me to worry for u.. I understand and i will not blame u. Thank u for giving me the sense of security that no one has ever given me before.. I will never forget u my dear. And if u can, please remember me always..

Many people have given me encouragement and hope that i can stand back up again.. I'm so afraid that i will disappoint everyone. I really have no confident.. I'm feeling so pressurized by the people around me.I can't breathe. I know they meant well and do not want to see me so down thinking of u day and night. I really can't stop thinking, maybe i just love u too much. I've tried to keep myself busy at home and asking my friends out for dinners and coffees.. But whenever i go out or whatever i do, i still think of u. Whenever i go out to places that we have been to, i will feel sad. Whenever i eat the food that we used to love, i will feel sad. Whenever i do the things that we used to do, i feel even sadder. I really don't know what to do..

I know my blog has always been so negative and always make readers feels sad. I really wish i can write a more positive one someday. I used to be a cheerful and positive person. I always believe that there are solutions to all problems. But i have this problem of missing u , which i could not find any solutions at all.. I admit that i am a crying baby. I will cry to every little thing that makes me feel sad. U know i am a big time crying baby cos' most of the time i will cry in front of u , not because u make me sad , but are all the sad movies and sad things that happened around us. I always lend me your shoulders to cry on and wipe away my tears.. But now, u can't do that anymore. I only can cry alone..

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" -(A line from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem, "In Memoriam A. H. H.")  this is indeed a very meaningful phrase , at least this is what i feel.. Love is such an important experience that even the pain of losing someone you love is better than not having loved that person. It's painful, no words can really describe how i feel..

Gone, Forever

I miss the times when you were here

telling me to have no fear

To hold my head up high and strong

add happy notes to my sad song



I miss the way you look at me

As if I were too blind to see

The path I’m on might hurt and scathe

But all goes well if you just have faith



I miss the sound of your sweet voice

Through bitter times a saving noise

That told me what was right and wrong

But rang in my ears for far too long



A caring person, you were such

That helped and hurt me, oh so much

You’d guide and mislead me through the day

You left me lonely when I’d rather you stay



Over things like that you had no control

A rock set in motion will continue to roll

No matter how hard you tug and heave

You were always pushed and forced to leave



Then one day you never returned

My tears so hot they almost burned

Aware now about what I lack

But crying and mourning wont bring you back



For me to let out what I need to say

I can’t do much more than pray

No longer am I weak, my hearts quite strong

From adding a happy chorus to a sad, sad song

I can't stop loving u

Dear lao gong

I can feel that u r still around me. I can feel that whenever i cry, u will cry with me. I really wanted to stop crying, but somehow i just can't. I was so afraid to step in to our room back in Hougang. All the memories at kept there.. We are a very homely couple.. we spend most of our time at home, in our room. I can't stop crying, especially when i see our photos in the room, your clothes, your laptop, our bed, the tv and the stuff in our room.

I just came back home after bringing Bella to mother. I can tell that she loves Bella a lot.. She talked to her and asked Bella whether can she see u. I know Bella can see u. Bella can see daddy talking to her.. I was so afraid to step in to our room just now. I know i will cry. And yes i did, especially when i saw our photos in the room. Mother brought out all your photos taken in ur uniforms with the rest of the army colleagues. U really looked smart in your uniform. U must be proud to serve the country. I opened ur cupboard, just wanted to look at your clothes.. There were so many nice shirts that u wore only once or a few times. I asked u before why u don't wear all these when we go out.. u said that u wanted to wear it on occasions only, so that u won't spoil the clothes. But now, all are left hanging there inside the cupboard. U have new shoes and new belts and new boxers in the room, all brand new.. I really don't know what to do with them, i don't bear to throw all of them away..

I know that u r sad. U r even much sadder than i am. I still have Bella with me. But u r alone somewhere in a far away place without your love ones. I felt lonely, but u r even lonelier than me.. Haizz, wat can we do ??

U love to play games during your free time. Everytime u will play Godfinger and scrabble game in ur Iphone .. at home when u r free, u will play warcraft and mafia wars. I never understand all these games cos' they are not my type of game. U always said i was simple minded, cos i only play simple games. I'm sorry that i can't continue all these games for u as i really don't understand these games..

It's gonna be a month since u were gone.. I'm not sure how i struggled but i still manage to survive till today. Must be u, giving me the strength to hold on till now.. Still remember on saturdays we will find time to watch soccer games cos' soccer is my favourite. I know u dun support any team.. Whenever i support my Liverpool, u will support me even though u said the team is weak. Without u around, i dun watched soccer .. even though i'm a die hard Liverpool fan and supported them for 15yrs.. I have no mood to watch soccer anymore.. Not sure why, maybe things just can't be done without u.

I really wanted a happy family.. With u , with bella and maybe another baby boy or girl to keep bella company. I really feel so sad .. Our family is never complete.. We are so far apart now and we won't be able to see u anymore.. But our love still stays strong.. I can't stop loving u..

I am not that strong after all

Dear lao gong

Everybody ask me to be strong. To be strong for myself and for the sake of Bella. I've been trying very hard, putting in all my best. Do u know that it's really very tough? I think of u everyday, the thoughts always make me cry. To put up a strong front isn't easy. I have to hide my tears and feelings and have to pretend that i'm alright in front of everyone is not simple. I do not want people to get worried for me, i want them to know that i am getting better, i don't want to seek attention neither do i want people to pity me. I know i'm not that strong after all. Sometimes it's just so difficult, i still broke down and cry..

Everyday when i sleep, i feel so lonely. Before u were gone, we always chat on the bed before we sleep. It has become a habit to us. We will discuss matters, joke and gossip about anything. Since u were gone, i feel that the bed is so empty without u. It's so difficult to get to sleep no matter how tired i felt, i'm not sure why, maybe i'm not used to sleeping without u by my side.

I can feel your sadness. I know u r crying too. I know u don't want to leave us. I know that u won't let go of us. I know that u love us with all your heart. I know that u know u left us because u don't have a choice as it's all fated. I am not blaming u for leaving so soon. I know tat have no choice too but to accept that this is our destiny. I am crying now cos' it really hurts so bad. Can u feel how much i miss u ?

I woke up this morning, feeling unwell. I had diarrhoea and vomited many times. I guess it's food poisoning. I still remember how u took care of me when i had kidney infection last year. U took time off to visit me, buy food for me, feed me and make sure i have enough rest so that i will get well soon. I know u were very worried when i had kidney infection and so afraid that something bad will happen to me. When the lab test report is out, u were so happy that it is only an infection and nothing more than that. When i felt unwell just now, i really want u to come back to take care of me. I know u won't come back and it's not possible for u to come back to me. I'm so sad.. Please don't get worried for me.. I'm feeling much better now, only a little weak. I will be alright. I didn't bring Bella back home to mother cos' i'm not feeling well today. I'm sorry. But i will bring her back tomorrow.. I know mother wants to see her very much.

Lao gong, i want u to know that our family will never be complete without u. Bella miss her daddy.. and i miss u ..

I miss u, Vincent

I awake each morning to start a new day

But the pain of losing you never goes away.

I go about the things I have to do

And as the hours pass I think again of you.

I want to call you and just hear your voice

Then I remember that I have no choice

For you are not there and now my heart cries

Just to see you again to tell you goodbye

To say darling I love you and I always will

And hope that much of you, in me you've instilled.

The day that you left I just didn't know

That you were going where I couldn't go.

And now all my memories of you are so dear

But gosh, how I miss you and wish you were here.

Who now can hear me when I need to cry?

It so hard to tell you "Goodbye my dear."

Someday I know all will be well

And I'll see you again with stories to tell

Of how you were missed and how we have grown

And how good it is to finally be home.

Until then my memories of you I'll keep near

And I'll pass them on to those who are dear.

I miss you my darling, Vincent

And forever i will.

My Greatest Fear

Dear lao gong

Did u remember that we once talk about our greatest fear ? We have the same answer. That is, to lose our love ones.. I did told u that if u were gone before me, i really don't know how am i going to cope with it. It is true. I really don't know how to handle it. I have been thinking through for so many days, but i'm still unable to find solutions to my problem. I guess all i can do is to grieve now. I'm not sure whether will i be able to stop grieving or when will i stop grieving.. maybe time will give me an answer. Many people said that i'm still young, a long journey ahead, i shouldn't look backwards and rather, i should look forward. It's true, a long journey ahead. But only God knows how long my journey will be. No one can predict that. Just like u, a fine young man, full of hopes and dreams.. U were so well one day and the next day u were gone. So, i guess only God knows what will happen to me in the future.

To tell u the truth, after ur funeral.. the idea of committing suicide keep coming to my mind.. I was telling myself.. i've bought a lot of policies, even if i'm not around, my parents will be able to survive... I really would want to join u cos' i couldn't find any reason to live anymore. I was thinking, maybe i should just dash across the main road beside my block, got knocked by a car and just die.. It was easy, i just need to close my eyes, when a car is coming at fast speed, i will run to the road and it will be the end of story.. When i die, i will want to bury my body beside yours, we can be together forever. But whenever i think of killing myself, i would think of Bella. Yes it's true when i die, my parents will be able to take care of Bella.. But how about Bella? She will be an orphan.. it will be very unfair for her if i do that. Bella is the one that stopped me from dashing across the road. I shouldn't do that, it will be very selfish for me. And if i really do that, i know u will never forgive me..

I am a free thinker.. I know christians and catholics believe that when a person pass away, he or she will go to heaven, it will be a place with no pain and no sufferings as they are with God. For buddhist, they believe that the dead has to go to hell first to do assessment before they are brought to heaven or remain in hell.. However, i don't know whether it's true. I don't think anyone will have an answer. We will only know whether this is true when we die. For me, i only believe that when one dies, it's just like falling asleep forever and never wake up.. Anyway, it is not important so long u don't feel any pain or sufferings.

The long weekend is here.. Tomorrow will be Hari Raya Pusa.. If u were around, i know u will be looking forward to this long weekend to have a break. I used to look forward to our off days together and it's really difficult for us to have the same off days due to my nature of job. Therefore, whenever u got the chance, u will try to accomodate me.. Well, off days doesn't matters to me anymore and I won't be looking forward to my off days either..

I just looked through the photos in my handphone.. Those were the photos taken during our dating periods.. Lots of funny photos taken.. Many sweet memories flashes through my mind. It's still so hard for me to accept that u r gone. I still think that u will come back to me one day..  though it's never possible anymore..