My Greatest Fear

Dear lao gong

Did u remember that we once talk about our greatest fear ? We have the same answer. That is, to lose our love ones.. I did told u that if u were gone before me, i really don't know how am i going to cope with it. It is true. I really don't know how to handle it. I have been thinking through for so many days, but i'm still unable to find solutions to my problem. I guess all i can do is to grieve now. I'm not sure whether will i be able to stop grieving or when will i stop grieving.. maybe time will give me an answer. Many people said that i'm still young, a long journey ahead, i shouldn't look backwards and rather, i should look forward. It's true, a long journey ahead. But only God knows how long my journey will be. No one can predict that. Just like u, a fine young man, full of hopes and dreams.. U were so well one day and the next day u were gone. So, i guess only God knows what will happen to me in the future.

To tell u the truth, after ur funeral.. the idea of committing suicide keep coming to my mind.. I was telling myself.. i've bought a lot of policies, even if i'm not around, my parents will be able to survive... I really would want to join u cos' i couldn't find any reason to live anymore. I was thinking, maybe i should just dash across the main road beside my block, got knocked by a car and just die.. It was easy, i just need to close my eyes, when a car is coming at fast speed, i will run to the road and it will be the end of story.. When i die, i will want to bury my body beside yours, we can be together forever. But whenever i think of killing myself, i would think of Bella. Yes it's true when i die, my parents will be able to take care of Bella.. But how about Bella? She will be an orphan.. it will be very unfair for her if i do that. Bella is the one that stopped me from dashing across the road. I shouldn't do that, it will be very selfish for me. And if i really do that, i know u will never forgive me..

I am a free thinker.. I know christians and catholics believe that when a person pass away, he or she will go to heaven, it will be a place with no pain and no sufferings as they are with God. For buddhist, they believe that the dead has to go to hell first to do assessment before they are brought to heaven or remain in hell.. However, i don't know whether it's true. I don't think anyone will have an answer. We will only know whether this is true when we die. For me, i only believe that when one dies, it's just like falling asleep forever and never wake up.. Anyway, it is not important so long u don't feel any pain or sufferings.

The long weekend is here.. Tomorrow will be Hari Raya Pusa.. If u were around, i know u will be looking forward to this long weekend to have a break. I used to look forward to our off days together and it's really difficult for us to have the same off days due to my nature of job. Therefore, whenever u got the chance, u will try to accomodate me.. Well, off days doesn't matters to me anymore and I won't be looking forward to my off days either..

I just looked through the photos in my handphone.. Those were the photos taken during our dating periods.. Lots of funny photos taken.. Many sweet memories flashes through my mind. It's still so hard for me to accept that u r gone. I still think that u will come back to me one day..  though it's never possible anymore..