Dear lao gong
I have a heartache .. which most of the people couldn't understand. Having my most beloved person leaving me forever is the worst nightmare a person can ever had. I never expect this will happen to me. I can never understand why am i the unfortunate person... Or probably the most unfortunate person in the world... How am i supposed to walk to the end of the journey all by myself?
Still remember i told u before that i only wanted to live till 55 years old and i hope i can die at that age?? U always said 55 is not enough and u won't let me leave .. I've always wanted to die young cos' I don't want to live till 70 or 80 years old and be a burden to everybody else in this world. U've told me that if i die at 55 , we will only be married for 28 years , which is not enough for u. U wanted to spend at least 40 years together with me as husband and wife before we leave this world together.. I really feel so touch after hearing this and you've made me change my mind. But since u were gone, I'm at a total loss .. I really hate walking through this journey all alone..
Just reached home from work not long ago.. Worked from 7.30am to 9.30pm today. Felt pretty exhausted. In the past, after my shift, I will always get to see u after work . In some days while u r on duties in camp, I can hear your voice and talk to u after work. Still haven't get used to not seeing and talking to u after work everyday. I really missed u ..
Nearly forgotten to clear off my 6 days of childcare leave as this year is ending soon... Childcare leave cannot be brought forward to the next year. I've given last minute requested from my boss to clear all my childcare leave at the last week of December. Really nice of her to accommodate my last minute request.. felt quite bad to clear leave again after just back from work and man power is really tight...
December is coming.. It's your favourite month of the year as u will be clearing leave .. If u were around, u will surely be so excited as u can clear leave to take care of our baby girl... I still remember that u told me that u are looking forward for december to come .. Last december u have rested for almost the whole month .. Completely out from your stressful work and enjoy spending time with me. I really enjoyed the days where u were free from stress as I always feel so heart pain when u r so stressful with your job everyday.
Tomorrow I will be going to the Subordinate court for your verdict so that your case can be closed. The coroner will be reading out the reports to the judge .. It will be at 11am .. after that i will be going back to work in the afternoon till 9.30pm.. Gonna be a long day for me again ..
Feeling quite tired now .. going to have an early night today as i'm still having cough .. Good night my dear. I miss u so so much.. =(
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Favourite day of the week
Dear lao gong
Needless to say , ur favourite day of the week will be Saturdays. U were always so looking forward for Saturday to come after a week of hard work . U were looking forward to spend time at home , slacking and hanging out with friends. However, due to my job nature , i got to work on most weekends. I know u always hate to see me work on weekends as we couldn't spend time together. U r always disappointed that I have to work on most of the weekends. Due to my job nature, most of my rest days falls on weekdays. U've even asked me to change to a office hour job so that we can spend more time together during weekends. However, i've told u that i prefer retail hours than routine office hours. We actually had a debate over this issue , but in the end , u still give in to me.
Most of the saturdays u will be waiting for me to come back from work. If i worked morning shift, I will end around 3pm and u will pick me up from my workplace and we will either go out or stay at home if i'm tired. And if i worked afternoon shift, i will end work at around 9plus and we will go for dinner . Most of the saturday nights we will be staying at home to watch soccer matches and favourite variety programmes on tv .. and on some sundays when i'm off, we will be meeting our friends for supper or party till late.
As both of us are soccer fanatics, we will always watch soccer matches together. Everytime we will choose a team to support and the loser will pay for the a meal the next day. I really enjoyed the times we have on saturday nights when we will cheer and jeer for the soccer teams. Though we felt childish at times, but it's really a form of enjoyment that we've shared. And now, watching soccer alone is so different and lonely..
I really missed the Saturdays that we've spent together. And now, Saturdays will never be the same again without u. I really want to thank you for understanding my job nature. Sometimes, i really feel sad for not spending the weekends with u and i can feel how lonely u were when u have to stay home during the weekends to wait for me to be back home from work. I've always ask u to meet up with your good friends for coffee or meals.. but u've told me that u will not go without me.. Thank you for being such a understanding husband.
It's midnight.. It's Monday , my off day today. Later i will be going for my driving lesson in the afternoon. Feels pretty tired this week though i have alternate off days as i'm engaged to many activities during my off days. Still have sore throat and now cough is coming .. Will try to stay a bit far away from our baby girl as i don't want to pass my virus to her. I can feel the difference now after having a baby.. I will miss her whenever i go to work.. So now, during my off days, i will spend most of my time with her. Many of my friends told me that kids grow up real fast .. i will always be by her side to watch her grow..
Needless to say , ur favourite day of the week will be Saturdays. U were always so looking forward for Saturday to come after a week of hard work . U were looking forward to spend time at home , slacking and hanging out with friends. However, due to my job nature , i got to work on most weekends. I know u always hate to see me work on weekends as we couldn't spend time together. U r always disappointed that I have to work on most of the weekends. Due to my job nature, most of my rest days falls on weekdays. U've even asked me to change to a office hour job so that we can spend more time together during weekends. However, i've told u that i prefer retail hours than routine office hours. We actually had a debate over this issue , but in the end , u still give in to me.
Most of the saturdays u will be waiting for me to come back from work. If i worked morning shift, I will end around 3pm and u will pick me up from my workplace and we will either go out or stay at home if i'm tired. And if i worked afternoon shift, i will end work at around 9plus and we will go for dinner . Most of the saturday nights we will be staying at home to watch soccer matches and favourite variety programmes on tv .. and on some sundays when i'm off, we will be meeting our friends for supper or party till late.
As both of us are soccer fanatics, we will always watch soccer matches together. Everytime we will choose a team to support and the loser will pay for the a meal the next day. I really enjoyed the times we have on saturday nights when we will cheer and jeer for the soccer teams. Though we felt childish at times, but it's really a form of enjoyment that we've shared. And now, watching soccer alone is so different and lonely..
I really missed the Saturdays that we've spent together. And now, Saturdays will never be the same again without u. I really want to thank you for understanding my job nature. Sometimes, i really feel sad for not spending the weekends with u and i can feel how lonely u were when u have to stay home during the weekends to wait for me to be back home from work. I've always ask u to meet up with your good friends for coffee or meals.. but u've told me that u will not go without me.. Thank you for being such a understanding husband.
It's midnight.. It's Monday , my off day today. Later i will be going for my driving lesson in the afternoon. Feels pretty tired this week though i have alternate off days as i'm engaged to many activities during my off days. Still have sore throat and now cough is coming .. Will try to stay a bit far away from our baby girl as i don't want to pass my virus to her. I can feel the difference now after having a baby.. I will miss her whenever i go to work.. So now, during my off days, i will spend most of my time with her. Many of my friends told me that kids grow up real fast .. i will always be by her side to watch her grow..
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Pursuit of Happiness
Dear lao gong
Happiness .. is what i yearned for all my life. It is a thing money can't buy. I'm sure u'll feel the same way too.. Happiness to me is very simple. To lead a simple life with u and our baby girl. With your departure, happiness will never be complete for me. What can i do ? I guess i still have to continue to walk on without u by my side. It is such a scary thing to do.. No guidance , no discussions , but just me alone .. I feel so small in this world .. U've really given be a lot of security which no one has ever given me before. Since now u r gone, it's my turn to give this security to our baby..
I'm a poor decision maker .. Most of the time you are the one who will make decisions .. Now i got to learn to make wise decisions .. I hope I can be a good decision maker for both me and Bella . Do forgive me if i didn't make a wise decision as i've already tried my very best .
It's my turn to fall sick .. Got very bad sore throat for the past 2 days. Today i've lost half of my voice and i sounded like a man when i talk .. must be due to the weather. Been drinking lots of water , hope i will get well soon ..
Today is my off day .. Got to work full shift tomorrow .. So i brought Bella back to mother's place this morning .. Bella is getting better. Flu is off , but still have cough due to her phlegm .. I've mixed soy powder and milk powder for her . However, her phlegm is still not getting better .. I will continue to monitor her condition for the next few days ...
Mother took MC yesterday. She said that her right leg was very painful and she couldn't walk .. She went polyclinic to see a doctor yesterday morning.. Doctor advised her to see a specialist for a detail check on her leg .. She told me that she don't want to see specialist as she is afraid that she might need to go for leg operation as advised by the doctor at the polyclinic.. I've talked to her about the consequences and told her that it's better for her to see a specialist .. But she still refused .. She said that she will see when she really needs to see . I've already tried my best to persuade her, but still in vain. I'm sorry my dear..
Many of my friends told me to be brave and i'm trying to be .. as best as i can . I'm still not used to living without u. But i still have to, for the sake of our baby. I guess what i can do now is to keep myself as busy as i can to minimise my pain .. One of your friend said "时间可以冲淡，但不可能忘记" . Yup it's true .. time can slowly minimise the pain in me, but it is impossible to 100% heal me by totally forgetting u. You will always live inside me. And i will always love u , till the day i die...
Happiness .. is what i yearned for all my life. It is a thing money can't buy. I'm sure u'll feel the same way too.. Happiness to me is very simple. To lead a simple life with u and our baby girl. With your departure, happiness will never be complete for me. What can i do ? I guess i still have to continue to walk on without u by my side. It is such a scary thing to do.. No guidance , no discussions , but just me alone .. I feel so small in this world .. U've really given be a lot of security which no one has ever given me before. Since now u r gone, it's my turn to give this security to our baby..
I'm a poor decision maker .. Most of the time you are the one who will make decisions .. Now i got to learn to make wise decisions .. I hope I can be a good decision maker for both me and Bella . Do forgive me if i didn't make a wise decision as i've already tried my very best .
It's my turn to fall sick .. Got very bad sore throat for the past 2 days. Today i've lost half of my voice and i sounded like a man when i talk .. must be due to the weather. Been drinking lots of water , hope i will get well soon ..
Today is my off day .. Got to work full shift tomorrow .. So i brought Bella back to mother's place this morning .. Bella is getting better. Flu is off , but still have cough due to her phlegm .. I've mixed soy powder and milk powder for her . However, her phlegm is still not getting better .. I will continue to monitor her condition for the next few days ...
Mother took MC yesterday. She said that her right leg was very painful and she couldn't walk .. She went polyclinic to see a doctor yesterday morning.. Doctor advised her to see a specialist for a detail check on her leg .. She told me that she don't want to see specialist as she is afraid that she might need to go for leg operation as advised by the doctor at the polyclinic.. I've talked to her about the consequences and told her that it's better for her to see a specialist .. But she still refused .. She said that she will see when she really needs to see . I've already tried my best to persuade her, but still in vain. I'm sorry my dear..
Many of my friends told me to be brave and i'm trying to be .. as best as i can . I'm still not used to living without u. But i still have to, for the sake of our baby. I guess what i can do now is to keep myself as busy as i can to minimise my pain .. One of your friend said "时间可以冲淡，但不可能忘记" . Yup it's true .. time can slowly minimise the pain in me, but it is impossible to 100% heal me by totally forgetting u. You will always live inside me. And i will always love u , till the day i die...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The 100th day since u were gone
Dear lao gong
Today is the 100th day since u were gone and we have been separated for that many days already. How many hundred days can i survive without u ? I really don't have an answer . But i hope we will really meet one day .
It's my off day today . Usually i will sleep till afternoon during my off day and we will go out in the evening . But now, i will wake up very early in the morning to take care of our baby. Now i realise that time is too precious. I have no idea when will i leave everybody in this world so i got to make full use of it before i am gone. In the past, my hobby is sleeping . Now it's not my hobby anymore as i will have plenty of time to sleep after i die...
What is our aim in life ? Mine is a simple one. With a stable job and regular salary so that i can survive in this world .. Yours ? U used to want a simple life too .. as long as life goes on happy for u and your family, u will be contented. However, due to peer pressure , u've changed. U have seen a lot of your friends earning big money and having very well-paid jobs. By comparing with them to your current job, u wanted to have a higher standard of living and hope to earn as much as they do. Therefore, u've become ambitious. U wanted to earn big money in a short period of time to provide me and our baby good life in the future. However, things are not as smooth as what u thought... U've been through many problems and finally u realised that it is not easy to earn big bucks .. and u've changed. I don't mind your past .. who never make mistakes in the past ? As long as u r willing to change, everything will be alright .. This is what i've told u . And u agreed with me and moved on with your life .. u agreed to strive hard for our future with me too... But then, God didn't give u a chance to complete this mission in your life ...
This morning i brought Bella to the doctor again. Cos' last night she has been sneezing non-stop till this morning. Doctor said that she has caught the flu virus as the weather has not been good for the past few days. Doctor has given her some medicine which will make her drowsy . Therefore, today she is not as active as before. Hope she will get well soon. It really hurts to see our baby girl falling sick .
I'm working full shift tomorrow .. and on thursday will be my off day again. Thursday i'll be going for my driving lessons in the morning . Hope that everything will go on smoothly and fine.. There is something i want to tell u ..
Today is the 100th day since u were gone and we have been separated for that many days already. How many hundred days can i survive without u ? I really don't have an answer . But i hope we will really meet one day .
It's my off day today . Usually i will sleep till afternoon during my off day and we will go out in the evening . But now, i will wake up very early in the morning to take care of our baby. Now i realise that time is too precious. I have no idea when will i leave everybody in this world so i got to make full use of it before i am gone. In the past, my hobby is sleeping . Now it's not my hobby anymore as i will have plenty of time to sleep after i die...
What is our aim in life ? Mine is a simple one. With a stable job and regular salary so that i can survive in this world .. Yours ? U used to want a simple life too .. as long as life goes on happy for u and your family, u will be contented. However, due to peer pressure , u've changed. U have seen a lot of your friends earning big money and having very well-paid jobs. By comparing with them to your current job, u wanted to have a higher standard of living and hope to earn as much as they do. Therefore, u've become ambitious. U wanted to earn big money in a short period of time to provide me and our baby good life in the future. However, things are not as smooth as what u thought... U've been through many problems and finally u realised that it is not easy to earn big bucks .. and u've changed. I don't mind your past .. who never make mistakes in the past ? As long as u r willing to change, everything will be alright .. This is what i've told u . And u agreed with me and moved on with your life .. u agreed to strive hard for our future with me too... But then, God didn't give u a chance to complete this mission in your life ...
This morning i brought Bella to the doctor again. Cos' last night she has been sneezing non-stop till this morning. Doctor said that she has caught the flu virus as the weather has not been good for the past few days. Doctor has given her some medicine which will make her drowsy . Therefore, today she is not as active as before. Hope she will get well soon. It really hurts to see our baby girl falling sick .
I'm working full shift tomorrow .. and on thursday will be my off day again. Thursday i'll be going for my driving lessons in the morning . Hope that everything will go on smoothly and fine.. There is something i want to tell u ..
能拥有你的爱是我一生最幸福的事。我爱你。
Monday, November 22, 2010
Starting work
Dear lao gong
Back to work today .. worked from 7.30am to 9.30pm today at choa chu kang branch .. quite tiring .. lucky can i still remember all of the things that i'm supposed to do at work .. Just home and bathe .. feeling tired .. Had a bad sore throat today , been drinking loads of water..
Bella kept coughing last night . I didn't really sleep cos' i was up taking care of her the whole night .. maybe that's the reason why i felt tired today at work. This morning aunt brought Bella to see doctor .. Doctor said that we need to change to soya powder for her instead of milk powder as the current brand that she is drinking might not be suitable for her .. that's why her phlegm is building up and she starts to cough... Doctor wrote down the brand that we can try on her , hope it's suitable cos' it really hurts me to see her coughing and coughing non stop at night due to the phlegm that was stuck in her throat.
Last night .. I was getting really emotional as i sat in front of my computer and looking through your photos . Crying crying and more crying .. I know no matter how much tears i shed , i can't bring u back . But i still can't stop crying .. I always tell myself to be strong cos' no one can help me except myself .. I've been trying real hard. But sometimes i just feel so weak .. i guess no one can give me the strength except u . On the contrary , i know that i shouldn't be so overly dependant on u as u r no longer around . I have to constantly remind myself that I have to be independent...
Back to work today .. worked from 7.30am to 9.30pm today at choa chu kang branch .. quite tiring .. lucky can i still remember all of the things that i'm supposed to do at work .. Just home and bathe .. feeling tired .. Had a bad sore throat today , been drinking loads of water..
Bella kept coughing last night . I didn't really sleep cos' i was up taking care of her the whole night .. maybe that's the reason why i felt tired today at work. This morning aunt brought Bella to see doctor .. Doctor said that we need to change to soya powder for her instead of milk powder as the current brand that she is drinking might not be suitable for her .. that's why her phlegm is building up and she starts to cough... Doctor wrote down the brand that we can try on her , hope it's suitable cos' it really hurts me to see her coughing and coughing non stop at night due to the phlegm that was stuck in her throat.
Last night .. I was getting really emotional as i sat in front of my computer and looking through your photos . Crying crying and more crying .. I know no matter how much tears i shed , i can't bring u back . But i still can't stop crying .. I always tell myself to be strong cos' no one can help me except myself .. I've been trying real hard. But sometimes i just feel so weak .. i guess no one can give me the strength except u . On the contrary , i know that i shouldn't be so overly dependant on u as u r no longer around . I have to constantly remind myself that I have to be independent...
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Last day of maternity leave
Dear lao gong
Today is sunday , the last day of my maternity leave. 16 weeks gone by fast . Going back to work tomorrow. I will miss Bella .. and i will miss u too . Tomorrow i will be attached to my mentor for a full shift to refresh my memory and to update my work.
Brought Bella to visit mother .. today all of us (mother, 1st bro and his wife, 2nd bro and his wife, 3rd bro and his daughter and me) visited u at the cemetery . U must be happy to see all of us there .. Mother was so sad that she broke down and cry .. she prayed for u .. asking christ to save your soul and protect u .. I can't hold back my tears and cry .. Really not sure why i can't control my emotions especially when i looked at your photo at the tombstone. It's really hard .. so hard for me .. why did u leave us so soon ?? The reason why all of us visited u today is that we wanted to check whether the tombstone is done properly before giving the payment. It is nicely done .. May u rest in peace lao gong .. hope u will be free from worries .. please do not worry for us , we will definitely take good care of ourselves ..
Mother decided to rent out our room cos' she wanted to have extra cash on hand .. she has cleared out everything in our room .. all your clothings were moved to the store , and our photos too .. i've told mother not to throw your clothes away as i will bring everything to our new home in 3 years time .. I felt so sad when i see our empty room this afternoon .. But i guess mother was right .. she said that when u r around , u will give her $500 to $1000 every month . Since u were gone , u will not be around to give her this allowance anymore .. she said that everything is so expensive and she still has to pay for monthly installment for her house . So she has no choice but to rent our room out so that she has some spare cash...
Bella is getting more responsive .. Whenever i'm free , i will sing to hear and she will look at me and smile . When i make funny faces , she will laugh loudly .. and now, she is able to catch toys when i move the toys around as i played with her .. Sometimes she will "talk" to me and hold the your ring that i always wear around my neck. She is really cute , playing with her really makes my day .. I'm sure if u r around , u will love to tease her and see her laugh .. I've bought a education policy for Bella , it is a 21 years plan, but i will only need to pay for 12 years. The policy will mature when she is 21 years old .. The sum will be enough to fund her till university ..
Here's Bella's newest toy that she loves .. Please do remember that Bella loves her daddy so much... and i'm so glad that i've found u ..
Today is sunday , the last day of my maternity leave. 16 weeks gone by fast . Going back to work tomorrow. I will miss Bella .. and i will miss u too . Tomorrow i will be attached to my mentor for a full shift to refresh my memory and to update my work.
Brought Bella to visit mother .. today all of us (mother, 1st bro and his wife, 2nd bro and his wife, 3rd bro and his daughter and me) visited u at the cemetery . U must be happy to see all of us there .. Mother was so sad that she broke down and cry .. she prayed for u .. asking christ to save your soul and protect u .. I can't hold back my tears and cry .. Really not sure why i can't control my emotions especially when i looked at your photo at the tombstone. It's really hard .. so hard for me .. why did u leave us so soon ?? The reason why all of us visited u today is that we wanted to check whether the tombstone is done properly before giving the payment. It is nicely done .. May u rest in peace lao gong .. hope u will be free from worries .. please do not worry for us , we will definitely take good care of ourselves ..
Mother decided to rent out our room cos' she wanted to have extra cash on hand .. she has cleared out everything in our room .. all your clothings were moved to the store , and our photos too .. i've told mother not to throw your clothes away as i will bring everything to our new home in 3 years time .. I felt so sad when i see our empty room this afternoon .. But i guess mother was right .. she said that when u r around , u will give her $500 to $1000 every month . Since u were gone , u will not be around to give her this allowance anymore .. she said that everything is so expensive and she still has to pay for monthly installment for her house . So she has no choice but to rent our room out so that she has some spare cash...
Bella is getting more responsive .. Whenever i'm free , i will sing to hear and she will look at me and smile . When i make funny faces , she will laugh loudly .. and now, she is able to catch toys when i move the toys around as i played with her .. Sometimes she will "talk" to me and hold the your ring that i always wear around my neck. She is really cute , playing with her really makes my day .. I'm sure if u r around , u will love to tease her and see her laugh .. I've bought a education policy for Bella , it is a 21 years plan, but i will only need to pay for 12 years. The policy will mature when she is 21 years old .. The sum will be enough to fund her till university ..
Here's Bella's newest toy that she loves .. Please do remember that Bella loves her daddy so much... and i'm so glad that i've found u ..
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Life is so different
Dear lao gong
Sorry for not writing for the past 3 days as i was busy .. busy packing my own stuff and busy spending the last few days of my maternity leave with our baby .. Finally finished packing my 4 full cupboards of apparels after 2 days .. I still remember the first time u saw so many clothings in my room and the other room.. u nearly fainted. Before going back to work, i've decided to clear out some old and out of fashion clothings.. managed to clear off 40% of the clothes and have some free space. I've thrown away some very old and clothes and for the rest which i wore once or twice, i've packed aside and will send to the salvation army next week during my off day ..
Life is so different now. It is supposed to be very different for us due to the arrival of our baby . And our life are supposed busier with work and taking care of Bella . But it is even more different when u r not around .. I'm so scared of loneliness .. I will return to work on monday. Usually after work, we will meet up for dinners , without u around , nobody will have dinner with me every night when i finished work . It will be tough for me .. hope i can pull through this..
My days are so lonely without u .. No one to share my joy when i'm happy and no one to share my sorrows when i am sad . I really don't know what am i supposed to do. All i know is i have to carry on with me life and believe that TIME can really heal me.
My christian friends told me that when a person dies , his soul will be around for 100days .. The soul will be back with his family and watching over them .. After the 100th day , he will be gone completely as he will be up there in heaven with God. Memories will be gone with the soul too .. I was so sad when i hear this .. Today is the 97th day.. which means only 3 days left before u will really be gone. Not sure whether if it's true. But if really is , it means that i will forget all of us in another 3 days time.. I really don't want u to go .. and i really don't want u to forget us .. do u know how much we love u ?
I brought Bella to the cemetery this morning to visit u as the tombstone is ready .. Can't help to control my emotions when i see your photo at the grave.. I love u , with all my heart. I really hope that we can meet someday.
Sorry for not writing for the past 3 days as i was busy .. busy packing my own stuff and busy spending the last few days of my maternity leave with our baby .. Finally finished packing my 4 full cupboards of apparels after 2 days .. I still remember the first time u saw so many clothings in my room and the other room.. u nearly fainted. Before going back to work, i've decided to clear out some old and out of fashion clothings.. managed to clear off 40% of the clothes and have some free space. I've thrown away some very old and clothes and for the rest which i wore once or twice, i've packed aside and will send to the salvation army next week during my off day ..
Life is so different now. It is supposed to be very different for us due to the arrival of our baby . And our life are supposed busier with work and taking care of Bella . But it is even more different when u r not around .. I'm so scared of loneliness .. I will return to work on monday. Usually after work, we will meet up for dinners , without u around , nobody will have dinner with me every night when i finished work . It will be tough for me .. hope i can pull through this..
My days are so lonely without u .. No one to share my joy when i'm happy and no one to share my sorrows when i am sad . I really don't know what am i supposed to do. All i know is i have to carry on with me life and believe that TIME can really heal me.
My christian friends told me that when a person dies , his soul will be around for 100days .. The soul will be back with his family and watching over them .. After the 100th day , he will be gone completely as he will be up there in heaven with God. Memories will be gone with the soul too .. I was so sad when i hear this .. Today is the 97th day.. which means only 3 days left before u will really be gone. Not sure whether if it's true. But if really is , it means that i will forget all of us in another 3 days time.. I really don't want u to go .. and i really don't want u to forget us .. do u know how much we love u ?
I brought Bella to the cemetery this morning to visit u as the tombstone is ready .. Can't help to control my emotions when i see your photo at the grave.. I love u , with all my heart. I really hope that we can meet someday.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The 3rd month
Dear lao gong
It's the 3rd month since u were gone .. still haven't been able to hold myself up well.. the thought of u always makes me cry .. I'm still learning to be strong. It is really so tough .. How i wish i'm like u , free from worries and pain . But i couldn't leave just yet, cos' i got a uncomplete mission ..
Went for my 3rd driving lesson yesterday morning .. really shaky when i drove on the 'real road' .. the instructor said that how come i can control so well in the circuit , but at the road i forgotten everything .. i even panic while i change gear .. he kept on telling me not to worry so much and just relax and take my time , but everytime i will still panic and forgot some important steps. I nearly knocked down a motorcyclist as he drove by me at high speed, cos' when i checked the mirrors and blindspot , everything was clear , when i drove to another lane, he suddenly dashed out from nowhere .. luckily the instructor stepped the brakes on time .. if not , i would have knocked him down .. after the lesson , both my legs were weak .. guess i was not brave enough to drive on the real road .. I think i have coordination problem too , can't change gear and turn at the same time .. hope i will be better after a few more lessons ...
Yesterday was the day i signed the lease for our new home and paid 5% of the downpayment which is about $18k .. paid off everything by CPF as there were enough in my CPF account . Our new home will be ready in about 3 years time .. The customer service lady told me that i can monitor the process of our flat by logging in to the HDB website.. The next time i will go to HDB hub will be the time i collect the key for our new home. So now, i will start to look for home and decoration magazines to check out on the different designs for our flats. When u were around, u were always so excited about our flat and said that u wanted to design the flat on our own. But u were gone, I will have to do this on my own. Looking our for design that we like and most importantly , to set aside a budget to work on. Not to worry , i'm sure i will do a good job. Cos' this is one of your biggest wish .. A home sweet home for our family.
It's the 3rd month since u were gone .. still haven't been able to hold myself up well.. the thought of u always makes me cry .. I'm still learning to be strong. It is really so tough .. How i wish i'm like u , free from worries and pain . But i couldn't leave just yet, cos' i got a uncomplete mission ..
Went for my 3rd driving lesson yesterday morning .. really shaky when i drove on the 'real road' .. the instructor said that how come i can control so well in the circuit , but at the road i forgotten everything .. i even panic while i change gear .. he kept on telling me not to worry so much and just relax and take my time , but everytime i will still panic and forgot some important steps. I nearly knocked down a motorcyclist as he drove by me at high speed, cos' when i checked the mirrors and blindspot , everything was clear , when i drove to another lane, he suddenly dashed out from nowhere .. luckily the instructor stepped the brakes on time .. if not , i would have knocked him down .. after the lesson , both my legs were weak .. guess i was not brave enough to drive on the real road .. I think i have coordination problem too , can't change gear and turn at the same time .. hope i will be better after a few more lessons ...
Yesterday was the day i signed the lease for our new home and paid 5% of the downpayment which is about $18k .. paid off everything by CPF as there were enough in my CPF account . Our new home will be ready in about 3 years time .. The customer service lady told me that i can monitor the process of our flat by logging in to the HDB website.. The next time i will go to HDB hub will be the time i collect the key for our new home. So now, i will start to look for home and decoration magazines to check out on the different designs for our flats. When u were around, u were always so excited about our flat and said that u wanted to design the flat on our own. But u were gone, I will have to do this on my own. Looking our for design that we like and most importantly , to set aside a budget to work on. Not to worry , i'm sure i will do a good job. Cos' this is one of your biggest wish .. A home sweet home for our family.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Loving you ..
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I know . No matter how many I LOVE YOU I said . U won't hear me . I really need u my dear ..
Sunday, November 14, 2010
100th post
Dear lao gong
This is the 100th post to you .. u r gone for 91 days . How are u over at the other side of the world? Everyone of us here miss u .. And i really miss u very much . I really feel so lonely without u . It will be great if u r around to give me a big warm hug and tell me that everything will be alright .
This afternoon i went to a potluck party at my ex GV's colleagues place in Yishun.. Time really flies by fast .. When it was about 7 to 8 years ago that i've worked with them . They are still students in the past.. And now, everyone grows up .. some married and some have kids ..
Not sure whether did i get too sensitive but i will cry over the slightest things .. when i read sad news in the newspaper , when i see people pass away , when i watch sad shows .. I used to cry very often in the past , you should know me quite well , but now it seems like i'm just too over sensitive .. really not sure why .. something must be wrong somewhere i guess..
Tomorrow morning will be my 3rd driving lesson .. seems like i've forgotten what i've learnt in the first 2 lessons cos' i've been having very bad memories since my pregnancy periods.. Hope tomorrow's instructor won't be too harsh on me ..
Well .. since it's the 100th post today .. i shall not make this post too upsetting ..
1 more week and i'm back to work !!
When will we be reunited ? I'm really looking forward to this day ..
This is the 100th post to you .. u r gone for 91 days . How are u over at the other side of the world? Everyone of us here miss u .. And i really miss u very much . I really feel so lonely without u . It will be great if u r around to give me a big warm hug and tell me that everything will be alright .
This afternoon i went to a potluck party at my ex GV's colleagues place in Yishun.. Time really flies by fast .. When it was about 7 to 8 years ago that i've worked with them . They are still students in the past.. And now, everyone grows up .. some married and some have kids ..
Not sure whether did i get too sensitive but i will cry over the slightest things .. when i read sad news in the newspaper , when i see people pass away , when i watch sad shows .. I used to cry very often in the past , you should know me quite well , but now it seems like i'm just too over sensitive .. really not sure why .. something must be wrong somewhere i guess..
Tomorrow morning will be my 3rd driving lesson .. seems like i've forgotten what i've learnt in the first 2 lessons cos' i've been having very bad memories since my pregnancy periods.. Hope tomorrow's instructor won't be too harsh on me ..
Well .. since it's the 100th post today .. i shall not make this post too upsetting ..
1 more week and i'm back to work !!
When will we be reunited ? I'm really looking forward to this day ..
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Misunderstandings
Dear lao gong
A lot of people always say .. Money will spoil relationships . I never believe in that. Money is never so important to me cos' as long as i'm working, i won't starve. I know, without money, a lot of things cannot be accomplished. Therefore, i always discipline myself to save as much as i can every month. So that i won't in panic mode during rainy days..
Today , i went to mother's place. Brought Bella over today cos' tomorrow i have a gathering with friends. I felt so misunderstood today .. i really feel like crying cos' no matter how i explain myself , it just seemed that things just don't go into mother's and brothers' head. Still remember i've mentioned in my blog saying that almost all the claims are done, except for your 2 personal accident claims which are still pending as the autopsy and blood test reports are not out yet, so there is no way that AIA can process the claims.
When i received the first hand news after my insurance agent, Jason, told me that the claims are process .. 1 can be claimed and 1 cannot be claimed out.. i immediately informed all your brothers and mother. After i informed mother, mother then told me that brother brought her AIA to ask about the claims and they went to the HSA and changi hospitals to get the reports to be submitted to AIA for them to process the claims. Mother said that they spend $300 over dollars just to get these reports. At first, i was quite shocked as in why mother need to go through so many things just to get the claims. I've already told her long ago that my agent is handling it , as it is still pending for reports , he will let me know once the claim can be processed. But mother and brother kept telling me that the claims can be processed cos' they submitted the documents. I know it's not true cos AIA already gotten the reports from the necessary departments and processed the claims. But no matter what i said, they still don't believe.
However, i was totally misunderstood by your families. They thought that i claimed my own part and ignored the rest that are still pending. They thought that i knew that mother is the beneficiary of 1 of the personal accident claims and since it's not my claim , i just ignored it. That is not true. When i asked Jason for help to claim the necessary policies, me and him have no idea who are the beneficiaries. And even if all the beneficiaries are to your families, i wouldn't mind. I just wanted to ask him to help me out with the claims , cos' i know all these monies can help your family members during difficult times.
When u passed away , your family members told me to settle the necessary things that u have on my own since i'm your wife. I said ok as i'm on maternity leave, i will have time to do that. I've asked people for help and been to many different places to submit documents and sign documents. I've been updating mother on the claims that was done and those that were still pending. I guess it's my fault that i didn't update your brothers that lead to this misunderstanding. Mother is old .. I did told her and update her, but she couldn't remember and said that i didn't tell her .. it's alright, i don't blame her for that. Just blame it on me that i didn't inform the rest.
And now, as the other personal accident claim cannot be claimed out due to a exclusion clause in it, they don't seem to believe in what i said. They still believe that since it's the same type of personal accident insurances, how come 1 can claim and 1 couldn't be claimed? I've explained to them that they are under personal accident insurances, but there are different type to it. Therefore, after AIA gotten the reports, one of the report matches what is it on the clause, so, it's no claimable. However, Jason is nice enough to help me write an appeal on it .. but he said most probably won't be successful .
Anyway what's the point of having the monies without u by my side. If all these can let me have an exchange for YOU to come back. I will ..
I really feel so sad to be misunderstood .. can u help me ?
A lot of people always say .. Money will spoil relationships . I never believe in that. Money is never so important to me cos' as long as i'm working, i won't starve. I know, without money, a lot of things cannot be accomplished. Therefore, i always discipline myself to save as much as i can every month. So that i won't in panic mode during rainy days..
Today , i went to mother's place. Brought Bella over today cos' tomorrow i have a gathering with friends. I felt so misunderstood today .. i really feel like crying cos' no matter how i explain myself , it just seemed that things just don't go into mother's and brothers' head. Still remember i've mentioned in my blog saying that almost all the claims are done, except for your 2 personal accident claims which are still pending as the autopsy and blood test reports are not out yet, so there is no way that AIA can process the claims.
When i received the first hand news after my insurance agent, Jason, told me that the claims are process .. 1 can be claimed and 1 cannot be claimed out.. i immediately informed all your brothers and mother. After i informed mother, mother then told me that brother brought her AIA to ask about the claims and they went to the HSA and changi hospitals to get the reports to be submitted to AIA for them to process the claims. Mother said that they spend $300 over dollars just to get these reports. At first, i was quite shocked as in why mother need to go through so many things just to get the claims. I've already told her long ago that my agent is handling it , as it is still pending for reports , he will let me know once the claim can be processed. But mother and brother kept telling me that the claims can be processed cos' they submitted the documents. I know it's not true cos AIA already gotten the reports from the necessary departments and processed the claims. But no matter what i said, they still don't believe.
However, i was totally misunderstood by your families. They thought that i claimed my own part and ignored the rest that are still pending. They thought that i knew that mother is the beneficiary of 1 of the personal accident claims and since it's not my claim , i just ignored it. That is not true. When i asked Jason for help to claim the necessary policies, me and him have no idea who are the beneficiaries. And even if all the beneficiaries are to your families, i wouldn't mind. I just wanted to ask him to help me out with the claims , cos' i know all these monies can help your family members during difficult times.
When u passed away , your family members told me to settle the necessary things that u have on my own since i'm your wife. I said ok as i'm on maternity leave, i will have time to do that. I've asked people for help and been to many different places to submit documents and sign documents. I've been updating mother on the claims that was done and those that were still pending. I guess it's my fault that i didn't update your brothers that lead to this misunderstanding. Mother is old .. I did told her and update her, but she couldn't remember and said that i didn't tell her .. it's alright, i don't blame her for that. Just blame it on me that i didn't inform the rest.
And now, as the other personal accident claim cannot be claimed out due to a exclusion clause in it, they don't seem to believe in what i said. They still believe that since it's the same type of personal accident insurances, how come 1 can claim and 1 couldn't be claimed? I've explained to them that they are under personal accident insurances, but there are different type to it. Therefore, after AIA gotten the reports, one of the report matches what is it on the clause, so, it's no claimable. However, Jason is nice enough to help me write an appeal on it .. but he said most probably won't be successful .
Anyway what's the point of having the monies without u by my side. If all these can let me have an exchange for YOU to come back. I will ..
I really feel so sad to be misunderstood .. can u help me ?
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tiring thursday ..
Dear lao gong
Was super shag last night when i reached home after 4 hours of driving lessons and interacting with Bella when i reached home .. Tiring left leg after 4 hours of clutching in and clutching out .. Nearly fell asleep driving at the 2nd lesson yesterday when the instructor asked me to drive round and round the circuit for more than an hour .. I knocked out at 10 plus last night .. I've booked for 2 hours lesson on next monday and another 2 hours on thursday ..
Yesterday morning my AIA agent called me regarding your pending 2 personal accident claims. Unfortunately , 1 of the accident policy is unclaimable due to a exclusion clause in the policy .. Luckily, the other one can be claimed. I have requested my agent to send the cheque down to mother for her to cash in to her bank account.. The cheque will most probably be ready by next week. Hope this amount will give her some security so that she won't need to worry so much if she is out of job.
This morning i woke up at 7am ... played with Bella for a while and i went back to laze on the bed at 8am .. after a while i doze off .. U came to my dreams .. I saw u .. always love your beautiful smile and the way u looked at me. U wore your usual brown army t-shirt and a black running shorts .. U sat beside me and talked to me .. After a while , u left . I asked u not to leave me , but u said u have to. When i woke up from my dreams with tears in my eyes wetting my pillow. I am feeling so sad .. i really miss u so much..
Was super shag last night when i reached home after 4 hours of driving lessons and interacting with Bella when i reached home .. Tiring left leg after 4 hours of clutching in and clutching out .. Nearly fell asleep driving at the 2nd lesson yesterday when the instructor asked me to drive round and round the circuit for more than an hour .. I knocked out at 10 plus last night .. I've booked for 2 hours lesson on next monday and another 2 hours on thursday ..
Yesterday morning my AIA agent called me regarding your pending 2 personal accident claims. Unfortunately , 1 of the accident policy is unclaimable due to a exclusion clause in the policy .. Luckily, the other one can be claimed. I have requested my agent to send the cheque down to mother for her to cash in to her bank account.. The cheque will most probably be ready by next week. Hope this amount will give her some security so that she won't need to worry so much if she is out of job.
This morning i woke up at 7am ... played with Bella for a while and i went back to laze on the bed at 8am .. after a while i doze off .. U came to my dreams .. I saw u .. always love your beautiful smile and the way u looked at me. U wore your usual brown army t-shirt and a black running shorts .. U sat beside me and talked to me .. After a while , u left . I asked u not to leave me , but u said u have to. When i woke up from my dreams with tears in my eyes wetting my pillow. I am feeling so sad .. i really miss u so much..
Our baby .. her turn and her always curious look ..
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Returning favours
Dear lao gong
Ever since u were gone ..my friends and relatives have given me a lot of their support .. in terms of monetary and moral support .. No words can express how thankful i am to them. I am really not sure of how to repay their kindess and their help. I guess is only way is to take good care of Bella and myself and not to let them worry for me. Without them , i wouldn't have survived.
Bella had her immunization today .. the next appointment will be on 10 dec .. Poor baby has been crying the whole day .. must be the pain from the injection. No matter how we carry her .. she just won't stop crying .. Just managed to make her sleep at about 8pm ..
Our baby has grown bigger again .. She is now 6.1kg , height of 57cm and head circumference of 40cm .. Doctor said she is growing well. But doctor said her neck is still soft .. in a month's time she will be able to hold her head up.. Time is passing fast .. Bella is already 3 mths and a week old ..
Tomorrw will be my first practical lesson for driving. I've booked for 2 lessons .. total 4 hours of driving. Feeling pretty nervous now .. pray hard that everything will go smoothly...
Counting down .. 12 more days to work ..
Ever since u were gone ..my friends and relatives have given me a lot of their support .. in terms of monetary and moral support .. No words can express how thankful i am to them. I am really not sure of how to repay their kindess and their help. I guess is only way is to take good care of Bella and myself and not to let them worry for me. Without them , i wouldn't have survived.
Bella had her immunization today .. the next appointment will be on 10 dec .. Poor baby has been crying the whole day .. must be the pain from the injection. No matter how we carry her .. she just won't stop crying .. Just managed to make her sleep at about 8pm ..
Our baby has grown bigger again .. She is now 6.1kg , height of 57cm and head circumference of 40cm .. Doctor said she is growing well. But doctor said her neck is still soft .. in a month's time she will be able to hold her head up.. Time is passing fast .. Bella is already 3 mths and a week old ..
Tomorrw will be my first practical lesson for driving. I've booked for 2 lessons .. total 4 hours of driving. Feeling pretty nervous now .. pray hard that everything will go smoothly...
Counting down .. 12 more days to work ..
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My maternity leave
Dear lao gong
4 months maternity leave are supposed to be a busy yet happy time for me .. I should be enjoying motherhood and we , building bond with our baby ... well.. that's not the case for me. I was so looking forward to my maternity leave before our baby girl arrives in this world. These 4 months were supposed to be so precious for me .. being away from work and staying home just to take care of baby and you .
But i felt extremely sad and devastated during these 4 months. Since u were gone, nothing seems right . We yearned to have a complete family with our baby girl's arrival .. but it will never be complete without u . Instead, i've spent the past 3 months mourning and grieving ..
Counting down the days to go back to work .. 13 more days .. I guess i will miss Bella a lot when i go back to work cos' i won't be able to spend so much time with her .. I have to work 2 full shifts out of my 5 day work week.. 12 to 13 hours for a full shift for 2 days in a week .. which means i won't get to see Bella 2 days a week cos' before i go for work in the morning she will be sleeping and when i reached back home from work at night she will be sleeping too .. Time is so precious .. If u were around , u will be able to spend time with her everyday cos' u r on office hours ..
Tomorrow i will bring Bella to polyclinic at 10.40am for her immunization .. I've signed up a package with the polyclinic for her immunizations from her 1st month till 2 years old .. total cost is about $500 .. There are a few different packages of jabs for babies .. but i chose the most expensive packages to cover her for all the relevant diseases and viruses .. I felt that it's good for her cos' i felt safer if she's immuned to the various dangerous viruses which might affect her health. Afterall , prevention is better than cure.
In the meantime , i am also looking out for childcare centre for Bella cos' i intend to put her to there to learn some stuff and interact with the rest when she turns 2 years old. A lot of my friends told me it's time for me to look out first and book for a placing . I thought it's too early but they said that the time she is 18mths old and i wanted to sign up for her, all the childcare centres will be full. So , my friends suggest that i should book a place for her when she is 1 year old ... Hmm... i guess i shall heed to their advices cos' they are experienced daddys and mommys . Hope u don't think that i'm too kiasu ..
4 months maternity leave are supposed to be a busy yet happy time for me .. I should be enjoying motherhood and we , building bond with our baby ... well.. that's not the case for me. I was so looking forward to my maternity leave before our baby girl arrives in this world. These 4 months were supposed to be so precious for me .. being away from work and staying home just to take care of baby and you .
But i felt extremely sad and devastated during these 4 months. Since u were gone, nothing seems right . We yearned to have a complete family with our baby girl's arrival .. but it will never be complete without u . Instead, i've spent the past 3 months mourning and grieving ..
Counting down the days to go back to work .. 13 more days .. I guess i will miss Bella a lot when i go back to work cos' i won't be able to spend so much time with her .. I have to work 2 full shifts out of my 5 day work week.. 12 to 13 hours for a full shift for 2 days in a week .. which means i won't get to see Bella 2 days a week cos' before i go for work in the morning she will be sleeping and when i reached back home from work at night she will be sleeping too .. Time is so precious .. If u were around , u will be able to spend time with her everyday cos' u r on office hours ..
Tomorrow i will bring Bella to polyclinic at 10.40am for her immunization .. I've signed up a package with the polyclinic for her immunizations from her 1st month till 2 years old .. total cost is about $500 .. There are a few different packages of jabs for babies .. but i chose the most expensive packages to cover her for all the relevant diseases and viruses .. I felt that it's good for her cos' i felt safer if she's immuned to the various dangerous viruses which might affect her health. Afterall , prevention is better than cure.
In the meantime , i am also looking out for childcare centre for Bella cos' i intend to put her to there to learn some stuff and interact with the rest when she turns 2 years old. A lot of my friends told me it's time for me to look out first and book for a placing . I thought it's too early but they said that the time she is 18mths old and i wanted to sign up for her, all the childcare centres will be full. So , my friends suggest that i should book a place for her when she is 1 year old ... Hmm... i guess i shall heed to their advices cos' they are experienced daddys and mommys . Hope u don't think that i'm too kiasu ..
Monday, November 8, 2010
Family ..
Dear lao gong
Never will I have a happy family with u again ... Cos .. u r no longer around ..
If u are around , i know it will be very tough for us to maintain our marriage , especially after we have kids . It would be a big challenge for us and i can foresee that .. U've told me this before too .. as both of us are very hot tempered person , we will surely have different views and opinions. In the past, i never have confident in marriages as i felt that i am not ready for it . I do not want to rush into marriage and end up in divorce. However, u've assured me that u will be the best husband and daddy in the world. I can tell that u r sincere .. and u've changed .. Mother said that u have changed too .. she felt that it's really a pity that u were gone after u have changed to a better man.
Marriage is easy. As long as a couple is in love and they feel that they are right for each other, marriage is not a problem. However, to maintain a marriage is a very difficult task. I've told u this before. But u said that u will try your very best. Arguments are definitely unavoidable. But u said that it's the way how we handle problems. As long as we sit down calmly after we cool down to have a good discussion , we will always find solutions to problems. I know u r a mentor and a counsellor to the boys in the army . A lot of them looked up to u as a brother .. u will always listen and give good advice to them . U assured me u will do that too , in our marriage. I know u are the right person for me , but God is so cruel to take u away so soon ..
I used to be a positive person and a happy-go-lucky one .. that's why u loved being with me cos' i always make u happy .. Ever since u were gone , i find it so hard to do that anymore. Yup it's true that i still joke and laugh among my friends .. but a part of me always feel so lonely at the end of the day .. I guess i can never truly smile from my heart anymore..
Every sunday when i go over to mother's place with Bella .. she never failed to ask me whether did u go to heaven or u r just a lost soul travelling around .. I really have no idea .. I told her that since everyday she prayed for u and u r a christian , u will definitely go to heaven .. How i really wish that i will know the answer ..
Buddy told me that in the next 2 weeks i will be going back to work .. It will be busy for me as i need to learn driving , take care of Bella and work at the same time . Therefore, i will not have the time to write here so often . He said that i should write twice a week .. just to update what happened during the week. When u r around. we will talk everyday .. whenever i am free or u have break time, u will call me to talk to me and check whether did i have my meals .. sometimes i will complain to u about nasty customers that i've come across.. At night after we finish work, we will have our dinners together and i will give u good massages after a hard days work.. I really wish we could do that again .. but i know , it won't happen again .. i miss u ..
Never will I have a happy family with u again ... Cos .. u r no longer around ..
If u are around , i know it will be very tough for us to maintain our marriage , especially after we have kids . It would be a big challenge for us and i can foresee that .. U've told me this before too .. as both of us are very hot tempered person , we will surely have different views and opinions. In the past, i never have confident in marriages as i felt that i am not ready for it . I do not want to rush into marriage and end up in divorce. However, u've assured me that u will be the best husband and daddy in the world. I can tell that u r sincere .. and u've changed .. Mother said that u have changed too .. she felt that it's really a pity that u were gone after u have changed to a better man.
Marriage is easy. As long as a couple is in love and they feel that they are right for each other, marriage is not a problem. However, to maintain a marriage is a very difficult task. I've told u this before. But u said that u will try your very best. Arguments are definitely unavoidable. But u said that it's the way how we handle problems. As long as we sit down calmly after we cool down to have a good discussion , we will always find solutions to problems. I know u r a mentor and a counsellor to the boys in the army . A lot of them looked up to u as a brother .. u will always listen and give good advice to them . U assured me u will do that too , in our marriage. I know u are the right person for me , but God is so cruel to take u away so soon ..
I used to be a positive person and a happy-go-lucky one .. that's why u loved being with me cos' i always make u happy .. Ever since u were gone , i find it so hard to do that anymore. Yup it's true that i still joke and laugh among my friends .. but a part of me always feel so lonely at the end of the day .. I guess i can never truly smile from my heart anymore..
Every sunday when i go over to mother's place with Bella .. she never failed to ask me whether did u go to heaven or u r just a lost soul travelling around .. I really have no idea .. I told her that since everyday she prayed for u and u r a christian , u will definitely go to heaven .. How i really wish that i will know the answer ..
Buddy told me that in the next 2 weeks i will be going back to work .. It will be busy for me as i need to learn driving , take care of Bella and work at the same time . Therefore, i will not have the time to write here so often . He said that i should write twice a week .. just to update what happened during the week. When u r around. we will talk everyday .. whenever i am free or u have break time, u will call me to talk to me and check whether did i have my meals .. sometimes i will complain to u about nasty customers that i've come across.. At night after we finish work, we will have our dinners together and i will give u good massages after a hard days work.. I really wish we could do that again .. but i know , it won't happen again .. i miss u ..
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sleepy Bella
Dear lao gong
Here's bella taken today before i brought her to mother's place .. she is cute rite ? never fail to make my day whenever i looked at here... Bella is sleepy the whole day .. Brought her to mother's place and she's been sleeping the whole afternoon. Mother only managed to play with her for an hour or so .. Mother told me that Bella has lovely smile , just like u when u were a baby .
Mother said she felt pain in her legs when she walks .. I've told her to see a doctor or chinese physicians to check out what's happening, But she refused .. she said that there's nothing wrong with her .. just that she walked too much .. she said that she will be fine after rubbing some ointment on the painful areas ..
Mother told me that 1st brother's room , the master bedroom's aircon is not working .. they've asked technicans to check what's wrong with the air-con. Technician told her that the main motor is not working and they need to change it. He said it will cost about $500 but no guarantee that it would work.. therefore, mother decided to change all the air-cons in the room as it's already quite old. 3rd brother brought her to choose at Gain City .. and mother settled for system 3 inverter which cost her about $3000 including installation fees .. Mother said that the 2 air-cons in her room and our room are working fine .. but since 1st brother's aircon is not working, they need to change the whole system. She said that she has to use her hard-earned money for the air-con .. I wanted to pass her some money for the air-con as it will also be installed in our room .. but she refused to accept and asked me to keep the money for the baby . She said that she still can work and support herself. She told me that she could afford the air-con, just that she felt heartpain as the 2 aircons in our room are working fine , but in the end still need to change.
At mother's place just now , while i was looking out of the kitchen's window .. suddenly i think of u . Everyday u will stand next to the kitchen's window to smoke . U told me that u do not want to pollute the house with the smell of cigarettes.. therefore u only smoke next to the kitchen's window or in the toilet.. Still remember in the past .. i don't like u to smoke in the toilet when bathing as u will choke me .. ever since i was pregnant, u stopped smoking in the toilet whenever we bathe .. cos' u said that it will be bad for our baby when i inhaled the smoke .. thanks for being so understanding ..
Mother asked me what to do to your clothings that were left in our cupboard. I told her to keep in the cupboard and not to throw away or give it to the others.. she kept telling me that u have so many new clothes that u haven't started wearing and the shirts that u bought for our wedding , u only wore them once .. she said it's really a pity that you are not around anymore. Yup, it's true. It's really a waste and all your clothings are in such good conditions. I told her that after our house is ready .. i will move your clothings to our flat .. Mother also said that the blosters , pillows and beddings are brand new. She purposely bought for us so that we will have brand new stuff when we get married. I told her that i will bring the things over to our new flat .. I can still feel she is still very heartbroken. She keeps telling me that everyday she will sit in your room when she reached home after work. She will look at photos of u that she has placed on the table.
Lao gong .. I had a wish that couldn't be fulfilled .. that is , u, me and Bella spending the weekend out together as a happy family .. This will be the greatest regret i have in my life. I know it will and can never be fulfilled ..
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Priority ..
Dear lao gong
Sorry haven't been writing for 2 days cos' i had a busy thurday. In the morning , I went to SSDC to have class and trial final theory test .. afternoon i join my friends for KTV session at lucky chinatown .. at night went to club to have a few drinks with friends ... Wasn't at home the whole day to accompany Bella .. felt so guilty ... but i promised i won't do that all the time.. Bella is always my number one priority .. Yesterday i played and take care of Bella for the whole day so that i can let my aunt have a good rest ..
Bella is my only love and my priority .. without her .. i won't be here now .. I'm just like a patient in ICU , laying on the bed .. and my only living support is Bella . If my living support is taken away from me , i will be gone too . Life is just so hard without u ..
Yesterday i brought Bella out to northpoint for a walk and lunch .. seems like she is loving it.. she was looking around curiously .. when i was having my lunch , she was talking so much in her pram and laughing continuously.. when i carry her up , she was looking around .. looking at people that passed by her. Many passersby walked pass and told me my baby was very cute... u must be so proud of her.
Inspector Collin called me up. He was the first person to attend to u at the time of your accident. He told me that your reports (post mortem and blood test) and verdict are out . The reports will be read to the judge on 1st DEC at the subordinate court. He said that it's an open court , so anyone can attend . As you are categorised under unnatural death , traffic police has to arrange a court so that your case can be closed.
Wednesday i meet up with my boss and colleagues for lunch .. My boss has passed me a donation given by everyone from the northern cluster .. I've put the money into Bella's children development account that i've opened with OCBC for her. It's a dollar to dollar savings account. So next time i can used these for Bella's education needs and also for seeing doctors . I really want to say many many thanks to them .. they are really nice people .. they have giving me a lot of support, care and concern during my most difficult times.
It's about 2 more weeks before i will be back to work .. everything are more or less settled. Just pending for letters back and their replies.. hope everything goes smoothly .. I've booked my advance theory test on 30 dec .. in the meantime, i will be having my practical driving lessons every week.. hope everything will go well too .. wish me luck my dear... love u always ..
Sorry haven't been writing for 2 days cos' i had a busy thurday. In the morning , I went to SSDC to have class and trial final theory test .. afternoon i join my friends for KTV session at lucky chinatown .. at night went to club to have a few drinks with friends ... Wasn't at home the whole day to accompany Bella .. felt so guilty ... but i promised i won't do that all the time.. Bella is always my number one priority .. Yesterday i played and take care of Bella for the whole day so that i can let my aunt have a good rest ..
Bella is my only love and my priority .. without her .. i won't be here now .. I'm just like a patient in ICU , laying on the bed .. and my only living support is Bella . If my living support is taken away from me , i will be gone too . Life is just so hard without u ..
Yesterday i brought Bella out to northpoint for a walk and lunch .. seems like she is loving it.. she was looking around curiously .. when i was having my lunch , she was talking so much in her pram and laughing continuously.. when i carry her up , she was looking around .. looking at people that passed by her. Many passersby walked pass and told me my baby was very cute... u must be so proud of her.
Inspector Collin called me up. He was the first person to attend to u at the time of your accident. He told me that your reports (post mortem and blood test) and verdict are out . The reports will be read to the judge on 1st DEC at the subordinate court. He said that it's an open court , so anyone can attend . As you are categorised under unnatural death , traffic police has to arrange a court so that your case can be closed.
Wednesday i meet up with my boss and colleagues for lunch .. My boss has passed me a donation given by everyone from the northern cluster .. I've put the money into Bella's children development account that i've opened with OCBC for her. It's a dollar to dollar savings account. So next time i can used these for Bella's education needs and also for seeing doctors . I really want to say many many thanks to them .. they are really nice people .. they have giving me a lot of support, care and concern during my most difficult times.
It's about 2 more weeks before i will be back to work .. everything are more or less settled. Just pending for letters back and their replies.. hope everything goes smoothly .. I've booked my advance theory test on 30 dec .. in the meantime, i will be having my practical driving lessons every week.. hope everything will go well too .. wish me luck my dear... love u always ..
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Bella is 3 mths old
Dear lao gong
It's 2nd Nov ... suddenly felt time passes by so fast cos' Bella is 3 months old already .. never thought time flashes by so fast .. Here's Bella at 3 months old today ..
It's 2nd Nov ... suddenly felt time passes by so fast cos' Bella is 3 months old already .. never thought time flashes by so fast .. Here's Bella at 3 months old today ..
This morning i've brought Bella to the cemetery to visit u as today is All Souls' Day .. I'm sure u did see us there. We were standing in front of u for about half an hour .. Bella looked at u too .. She was staring at your grave for about 10 mins .. Your tombstone is halfway done.. When we went there today , the tiles were built .. however the tombstone will need some time to be ready cos' they will need time to carve our names and wordings on it.. I've done some prayers and arrange your place too..
If u were around , today will be our half year wedding anniversary .. It should be a happy day for us .. celebrating our half yr anniversary and Bella's 3 months .. However, today i woke up with a heavy heart .. cos' i know that u r not around anymore to celebrate this day with me.
This is the ring that u brought for me .. and this really cost u a bomb. In January when we went to Soo Kee Jewellery to look for solitaire rings .. u asked me to choose any of the ring that i like from the display shelves.. after looking through , i've actually chose a ring which is simple and affordable. It is because i want u to save up some cash and i felt that a wedding ring is just a ring, as long as i have a ring to wear , i am alright. Actually in the first place, we already got a engagement ring. I told u that i am fine wearing that engagement ring that we have . But u told me that u should buy one diamond ring for me as it's a once in a lifetime affair. U said that the ring i chosen is not nice , then u asked for recommendations and u chose a very good quality and a bigger diamond ring for me.. thank you for giving me this ring and your vows .. i will always remember that.
I'm starting work soon .. in less than 3 weeks time .. a lot of my friends asked me whether am i ready to go back to work . I told them that i don't have a choice. I got to go back .. if i didn't work , who will support Bella ? Buddy said that it's good for me to go back to work , cos' life must still goes on .. i got to save up cash for my driving class .. and also our future home , which will arrive in another 3 years time . i will want to save up as much as i can to provide a cosy place for Bella .. I really envy couples .. cos' as a couple , they can have discussions before making a decision . But for me , i am alone now , i can't get any opinions from u .. now i can only think through the issues or problems very thoroughly before making a decision. I really hope i make the right ones.. God bless me..
Monday, November 1, 2010
习惯了的生活，却变成思念
习惯了每天想你, 习惯了叫你笨蛋
习惯了每天都可以打电话给你
习惯了每天听到你的声音
习惯了和你一起看恐怖片
然后靠着你的肩习惯了叫你笨蛋
习惯了你所有的一切
每天傻傻的看着手机等着你的电话
每天傻傻的自己一个人看早晨的太阳
每天傻傻的自己一个人看着天上的月亮
每天傻傻的自己一个人看夜色
每天孤单单的走在冷冷的大街
想你了不能打电话给你想你了不能去找你
想你了不能和你聊天
想你了见不到你
笨蛋我好想你，
每天想起我和你在一起的日子~
感觉很开心。
笨蛋没有你的日子。
我感觉好孤单喔。
每天都想哭，没有开心的理由，你知道吗?
习惯了每天都可以打电话给你
习惯了每天听到你的声音
习惯了和你一起看恐怖片
然后靠着你的肩习惯了叫你笨蛋
习惯了你所有的一切
每天傻傻的看着手机等着你的电话
每天傻傻的自己一个人看早晨的太阳
每天傻傻的自己一个人看着天上的月亮
每天傻傻的自己一个人看夜色
每天孤单单的走在冷冷的大街
想你了不能打电话给你想你了不能去找你
想你了不能和你聊天
想你了见不到你
笨蛋我好想你，
每天想起我和你在一起的日子~
感觉很开心。
笨蛋没有你的日子。
我感觉好孤单喔。
每天都想哭，没有开心的理由，你知道吗?
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