Thoughts

午餐时间! 一边吃一边想了好多东西。。能吃是福。可是每次在office 我都会伤脑筋 , 不知道吃什么好。。

外表坚强的我, 应该是很脆弱吧。脑子里有很多东西想说, 可是, 不是找不到人说,就是怕麻烦到人或者让他们担心我。偶尔就会找个安静没人的地方,静静的哭。每个人都跟我说,哭过就好了。

Everyone says I am strong and I live well without u. Well.. quite true. I am still myself and as what I am in the past. But somehow a part of me 就是开心不起来。

今天就想,你已经离开了我。下一个就是爸爸了。那不是我身边的love ones 都会慢慢的离开??我真的不知道怎样accept 这些未来会发生的事情。。。

我在医院

Dear lao gong

Ended work at 3.30pm today and went to hospital to see dad. 现在就座在他旁边!

刚才走进病房,看着爸爸忧愁的脸。好伤心。爸爸又好像痩了一圈。我问爸爸吃得下吗,睡的着吗。爸爸说吃的下,可是没用,吃了还是瘦下去。爸爸说天天早上 4am 就 draw blood. After drawing blood, he cant sleep. So he went down 6am to have breakfast at canteen. 

Dad is depressed. 他很担心。。他告诉我说做化疗也没用。最候还是会死。我忽然间停了一下。。我真的不知道应该怎么回答他。我只是说,至少病情不会恶化。爸爸一直说会活不到一年。我听了,眼泪差点流下来。还好I manage to swallow it down.

爸爸在医院住了六天。一定很闷。没电视看。天天对着病房里的五个病人,几个missy小姐。。不然就是看着天花板daydream. He really wish he could discharge soon. Doctor say if his jaundice level continue to go lower and not so yellowish , he can discharge in another 4 to 5 days.  

天天没事情做。。呆呆的望着天花板。。一定会胡思乱想。我告诉自己,在怎么忙,天天都要来 hospital visit 他。要不然,以候要看见他,真的没机会了。

Dad made a fren next bed to him. A retiree uncle.  For past 4 days both of them cant sleep.  They will chat through the night and morning will go breakfast together. Today uncle discharged.  He tell me later at night no one chat with him liao. 

Dad has a colleague visiting him now while I blog. He tell him he worry the pain at the last few days of his life when 癌细胞扩散。haiz.. 我真的不知道该怎么样帮他。I feel so helpless!!!!你可以告诉我应该怎么做吗???

I really want to know .. if a person know hes dying soon. How will he feel and what will he do? I really dunno if I can take it if doctor tell me my days r numbered. 每个人都会死。。死亡真的是那么恐怖吗? 

爸爸生病了

Dear lao gong 

5th day since dad admitted himself in hospital.  After various tests, doctor confirm he is stage 3 liver cancer. No chance of cure. Survival period is an estimated one year. I have prepared myself for this news. Therefore I managed to keep my calm and did not over react when I meet doctor this afternoon.  Doctor say the best way to PROLONG his life is to do chemotherapy. 

好不容易卖了自己的屋子。。有一点点钱开始享福。。不幸的事,却发生了。dad looks sad when me and brother visited him. But trying his very best to behave normally. 爸爸做了以辈子的功。。can say hes a workaholic and a very responsible worker.  Hes 62. To many, he is too young to die. I kept my cool.. trying to talk and talk to make him happy and divert his attention. 

我问他有什么心愿为了。。我跟弟弟会尽量帮他实现。his wish is to see my brother getting married. Which he only plan in next 3 yrs. Not to be a pessimistic person but I doubt he can get to witness. .他会死不瞑目吗? 

Brother and I should be planning to bring him travelling before his last days. Well, he has work through entire life and never enjoy before. (Besides his constant drinking habit which is so called his enjoyment) . I had suggested to visit europe and to visit Liverpool and its stadium as dad is a big time Liverpool fan. Ive been there last yr. So I can be a free tour guide to him. 

可是。。为什么我们要等到and知道他的寿命不多才give him attention and bring him to see the world. 太可悲了。everyday. . We r busy with our own stuff and neglected our parents. Isnt it a bit too late? On the contrary. . At least we showed more care and concern and didn't abandon him.

Ive requested dad to stay with me when he discharged.  Since a workaholic, 他放不下工作。I will need to force him to work lesser and come home daily.  After visiting him, brother and I went to Courts to get him a nice and comfy bed for him to 修养。we will get him tv in the room too. 

好不容易慢慢的学习坚强,学习自己站起来。忽然间听了爸爸的消息,差点又崩溃了。为什么不幸和伤心的是每次都发生在我身上。难道。。。要开心真的那么难吗?? 

一个人的路。。好难走

Dear 老公。。

我已经独自帮你走了 3 and a half yrs. 感觉好累。 sometimes really feel like giving up. But 我不可以.   

Moving on .. 都那么久了。我不应该死捉着你不放。everytime I wanna put it down .. seems so difficult.  I dunno y. 不是我不要放,我不知道为什么我总是放不下。

Dad got admitted to hosp today at SGH. Conditions seem bad. Results out tmr. I am feeling very lost. I dun know how am I going to take it but ive prepared myself for the worst. 

心理的病还是没医好。went SGH to visit dad in the afternoon.  I had flashback and tremors on the morning I went to identify ur body at the mortuary.  I remembered so clearly ur pale injured face and bandage over your head. I could not feel u , cos u r behind a glass window. I could only see u from far. 最候一次的触摸,都没有。那是我一生的遗憾。today, at the moment when I pass by the mortuary block, I feel like breaking down. I dunno who to tell and what to say. I don't wan ppl ard me to worry for me. I am suppose to grow stronger. . I am no 弱者。

No one to talk to. I am feeling really lost. If only u r with me now.. 好想念你温暖的拥抱。is everything really ok or 我在欺骗自己?

These 3 yrs I grow a lot and learn a lot.  At times I do feel really down. I learnt to curb my feelings and probably grow stronger. And I am a little happier with good frens and love around me. I am really thankful and grateful to them to accept what I am and who I am. 

接受事实。。好难好南。我很喜欢欺骗自己。告诉自己明天会更好。感觉好难受。如果可以一了白了,那该多好? 我知道这不是办法。do u feel me? 

Exactly 2 years , since we parted

Dear lao gong

sorry that i havent been writing. been busy with stuff, trying my very best to move on as much as i could.

a very emotional day today. Especially at this hour, 10pm. Today is exactly 2 years since we parted. This is the day when we kissed goodbye and u left from my home to your house. I  still remember very clearly, your tired eyes and ur warm smile and kiss before u turn and left. Never could imagine it's our last. Couldn't hold back my tears and whenever i think of u and the last moment u left, i still cry. A moment ago i was looking at pictures of u in my facebook, i really wish u were still here.

Its 2 years. Many things happened, many things changed. However, never my love for u. I've met many people and some good men crossed my path. But i still couldn't let go of u. I will always do comparisons between u and them and whenever i passed by places where we've been before or the similar things that we've done together. I still miss u very much. Many of my close friends cared for me and advised me not to close my doors to others. I still couldn't and i don't think i ever will accept another person in my life.

the time we've been together was really short. everything happened so fast. from the day we met, to the happy days we shared, to our marriage to having a baby. I really thank god that i've found u. I never reget choosing u. And i know u love me too . I've heard stories from mother and from your friends about how much u love me and how proud u r to be a hubby and a daddy.

i am trying very hard to be happy. Many times, i felt really shitty. but i just got to hide my feelings in front of everybody. I'm not a attention seeker. I just want everyone to know, I AM OK!

Bella ... OMG she's 2!! Mother always tell me how happy u were when u become daddy. She knows that u love Bella a lot. She means the whole world to me. Never fails to make me happy. Playful and naughty .. I'm sure u r watching her well in heaven.

tmr is ur 2nd year death anniversary. How time flies. It's scary. walking alone is never easy . Well, never a choice at all. i love u baby. thanks for watching us and keeping us safe. I love u always...

The 365th day since u left me

Dear lao gong

At this very moment a year ago , is the day we parted. I never thought that i could never see you again. I still remember very clearly that we were sitting in the living room at my home, watching tv, snacking and u were planning what to do on my birthday. I can also remember how tired you are after duty on the previous night. It seems like everything just happened yesterday. Didn't know that it's already been a year.

I'm sorry that i've not written for the past months. Been struggling hard, trying to live life without u, getting back my usual routines, opening out to my circle of friends, trying to be as cheerful and optimistic as ever, keeping myself busy.. No matter how hard i try, it's still so hard. Maybe it's getting a bit better with my busy schedules. But at the end of the day, you will still be running in my mind. I've been trying my very best not to look at your photos whenever i think of u. But i just couldn't. Tears still flow whenever i see your face. How i wish u were still around with me.

I really hate this feeling of missing you everyday. I felt so miserable. No one can understand how i feel. I feel so lost without u. I have to do everything on my own. I feel helpless. I am feeling really tired. So tired to force myself to be happy everyday...

Tomorrow, will be a year since u left all of us. Still can't accept this truth. I don't know why this will happen to me. My heart will always sink whenever i go to places that we've been before. Scenes of our happy moments will flash across my mind. How long will these torturing stuff haunt me ? I think they will always be here throughout my whole life. My life, never be completed without u ...

I really missed ur hug .. I always feel so safe when i was in your arms... I love you, i always will. No one can ever replaced you. U r the most special person in my life.. dearest to me. So please, wait for me...

It's "dumpling day" tomorrow !

Dear lao gong

Still remember dumplings is one of your favourite food. I know u always love this "dumpling day" .. My aunt is very good in making delicious dumplings.. U still get to taste 2 years of her home made dumplings .. I love my aunt's dumplings too , i always tell u it's the one the only in Singapore. I can have dumplings for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 1 consecutive weeks ! But this year, aunt do not have the time to make rice dumplings as she needs to take care of Bella .. hmm .. not more delicious rice dumplings this year !

Bella is sick since thursday .. has cough and flu .. Poor baby has been sneezing and coughing non stop for the past 2 days. She hates to take medicine. She always cries, struggles and shouts so loudly when we feed her the medicines. Hopes she gets well soon , it's really heart breaking to see her suffering ..

Our little angel's birthday is coming in less than 2 months time ! Can't believe time pass that fast ! Bella's 3rd tooth is coming out ... Her birthday party venue is more or less confirmed. It will be held in the chalet .. I struggled quite a bit when i was planning for her birthday party ... It will be great if u were around , at least there's someone to discuss with and someone to help me to organise her party .. Hope everything goes fine and she enjoys it!

In another 2 months and 2 weeks time, will be your death anniversary ... Still couldn't believe that everything happens so fast. It will be a sad sad day for all of us. I really wonder what does it feels like when we passed away .. do we really know what's happening ? I still misses u a lot .. and it's really torturing .. i really hate this feeling !

"see open"

Dear lao gong

Worked half shift today.. was on morning shift.. after work i brought dinner home for aunt and myself .. Bella's timetable is pretty routine now. Wakes up at 5.30am , drinks her milk at 6am , wash up at 7am , cartoon on tv from 7.30am , morning nap at 8.30am , wakes at 10am , porridge at 11am , playtime at 11.30am , afternoon nap from 1 to 3pm , bathe at 3.30pm , milk at 4pm , play till 6.30pm then have her milk again, sleeps at 7.30pm till the next morning .. Very active and noisy . She loves the crowd. And she loves shopping. Sometimes i will bring her or drive her to the nearby shopping malls for walk and dinners. She really enjoys going out . And she will smile to anyone who smiles at her.

Yesterday when i met up with May to visit u , she asked me whether would i remarry if i meet another right guy in the future. Well, i've already told myself i won't marry again and i wouldn't want to find another boyfriend. I only have u in my heart.. She also ask me whether do i still feel as sad as before. Scars are still scars. It still hurts .. I still cry whenever i think of u and whenever i look at your photos. I need more time .. I still have Bella ..

Hmm... trying my best to "see open" now.. yesterday when we were walking around at the cemetery .. we saw a 2 year old little boy's grave. He passed away about a month ago. And just nice when we were about to leave, there is this old man and a young woman who came to visit the little boy. I nearly broke down in tears when i saw the old man , looking at the little boy's photo , and talking to him while the young woman is arranging the toys and the flowers on the grass patch.. It must be real hard to lose this cute little boy ...

Last saturday evening when i was back from work around 10pm, someone has passed away at the block opposite my place cos' there were people busy setting up the wake at the void deck.. The next morning , i found out from my aunt that the person is a uncle that she knew living opposite our block. She said that this uncle just fetched his wife to work in the morning on the day before he passed away .. and in the late afternoon, he has a heart attack and passed away in the hospital. I have walked passed a few times at the wake for the past few days ... i always hear his wife crying beside him .. Today was  his funeral .. whole family must be devastated for the sudden loss of this kind man ..

I think i've started to "see open" .. tat life is indeed fragile.. Doesn't mean u need to fall sick to die .. U can die anytime anyday at any moment .. It is real scary .. Not scary to die , but scary to see our love ones crying and feeling heartbroken for the lost. I've learnt a lot .. learn to cherish every moment i have with my family and friends , learn not waste any time , learn to do whatever things that i want to do ... I don't want to have any regrets in my life , or at least to the minimum..

Freaking tired !!

Dear lao gong

Seems that time is not enough for me everyday .. every seconds, minutes and hours passes by so quickly .. sorry for not writing for so long . I've been real busy with work and Bella everyday. I'm feeling real tired too .. Have been working for 36 hours for the past 3 days. Finally off today. Hmm.. really not sure whether am i getting old or i'm just too busy with my life. I can really feel the tiredness in me.. Everyday i have to wake up around 5 plus in the morning no matter how late i slept the night before as Bella will be awake at 5.30am without fail.. During days when i'm not working or when i worked half shifts, i will be taking over the job from my aunt to take care of Bella so that she can get some rest. I'm not complaining, i really enjoyed my times with Bella whenever i'm with her. I just feel that time is passing so fast. U were gone for more than 9 months and Bella is turning 10 months soon.

Finally got the time to visit u after so long. This morning, May and I went to visit u .. I've cleared up the discoloured flowers for u. I've chatted with u for a while, hope u can hear what i said. I've also found a little card at your tomb. It was wrapped with a plastic wrapper. At first, i thought it was a piece of rubbish. When i picked up and took a closer look, i saw "for vincent's wife". The card was pretty damage . Must be there for quite sometime. When i opened the plastic wrapper to see what's the note inside, the envelope was torn as it was wet. Really not sure who is the person who wrote this note for me. It must be a friend of yours. Whoever he or she is, I wanted to say thank you to him or her for the encouragement. Here's the card that i've found

I haven't been visiting mother for the past 2 weeks as i was working on Sundays and other days she was not free. However, i did call her sometimes to talk to her and check whether she is alright. Mother has been feeling real remorsely recently. She told me that she regretted not bringing u to church when u r young . She said she should make it a habit so that as u grow older, u will visit the church every weekend. She keeps thinking that it's her fault now cos' she believes a lot in God. She felt that God might be able to save you from this accident if u were to stay devoted to him. I kept telling mother that it's not her fault. Everything is fated. We have no control over fate. We gotta learn to accept what it is now.. I know it easy to say than done. Mother is still staying strong, and i really salute her for her braveness. Mother told me that she will be going for a day tour this coming sunday with her church friends. It's good to see her hanging out with friends when she's free cos' she really worries me if she stays home during the weekend and keeps thinking about u.

"Trying my best to survive" is the thing i gotta do now . It's not for any other people but just for the sake of Bella. I envy u so much .. Now living in the world free from pain and worries. How i wish i can join u ... But for Bella, i can't. And i'm sure u doesn't want me to join u either. I hope that u will wait for me .. when the time is right, please wait for me at the other side of the world.. U r the only one that i want to meet after i breath my last breathe..

It's Mother's day !

Dear lao gong

Mother's day today!! and i've been working like a freaking mad dog for the whole day. Super tired! Reached home at 10pm yesterday after work and worked for 14 long hours today ... and this is how i celebrated my first mother's day as a MOTHER . pretty pathetic , am i ?

Anyway , it's the general election yesterday .. as predicted .. PAP still won most votes.. however, the winning margin is not that great between the opposition. Finally it's over after more than a week of non stop actions of the different parties and it's seen on tv, newspaper, radio, youtube and facebook ! it's really freaking me out!! If u were around, who would u vote for? Anyway , the workers party at your place still hold his post .. no longer Mr Lau .. it's replaced by another one .. still pretty popular among the residents. I felt really sad that Mr George Yeo didn't manage to win the votes and Mr Chiam loses his homeground and his GRC. Hope they can win back their position in the next election.. All the best to both of them!

Finally off tomorrow ! Life is pretty hectic for me. I guess i really need a break. Life is so different now as compared to the past. How i wish u will be around.. to talk to me, listen to my complains and give me a nice warm hug .. Where were u when i needed u the most?

It's our 1 year wedding anniversary

Dear lao gong

Last year, on this day, 2nd May 2010, is the day we exchange our vows in front of our families, relatives and friends. How time flies .. One year has gone... Still remember we've been so busy organising our wedding events and the photo shoots... After our wedding lunch is over, we felt tired yet we were both filled with  happiness.. I can see how happy u r .. U never stop smiling ..

Feels like shit today when i wake up in the morning. Feeling so sad to know that u r no longer by my side to celebrate our yearly affair.. Everybody understands my sadness, but they wouldn't know exactly how hurtful it is. I really feels like driving down to the cemetery today to keep u company , but i know that i can't stop crying the moment i stand in front of u . I don't want u to see me crying and feeling so down cos' today is supposed to be a happy day for our family ..

It's my off day today and it's also a replacement public holiday today .. If u were around, we should be spending time celebrating this special day . Felt extremely sad to the core today .. U were  not by my side anymore .. and God , didn't give us a chance to celebrate our first year wedding anniversary. Where are you? Do u still remember this day?

Our little angel is 9 months old today .. So cute and pretty . Bella loves shopping .. Whenever i'm free during my off days, i will bring her out to shopping malls and meals. She's now learning now to crawl and balancing herself in sitting position. I've bought her a bikini and a float .. intending to bring her to the swimming pool soon ..

Bella misses daddy .. Here's her pictures for u ..
Happy anniversary my love...

7 months old Bella

8 months baby ..

so cute .. isn't she ??

Puff puff puff !

Dear lao gong

It's my off day today .. and your very kind classmate of yours , May, brought me to visit u at the cemetery. She is really nice .. a very busy and strong woman with 3 kids .. will never fail to fetch me to visit u every month. Really got to thank her , if not i wouldn't be able to visit u that often. Well, i've gotten my licence now, which means i can drive over to keep u company during my off days...

We know u love smoking and drinking. But i think u will hate alcoholic drinks now as that's what causes u to leave this world. We've lighted a cigarette for u to smoke at ur grave. Hope u will enjoy it... Next round, we will bring u a packet of ur favourite Marlboro Menthol light..

Seems that there are still friends who come by to visit u .. cos' whenever i was there, there will be fresh flowers on your tombstone... wondering who are they .. I really wanna thank them for taking some time to pay u a visit. All of us are still feeling so heartbroken with your sudden departure. I guess most of your friends have started to accept the truth... Cos' life still has to go on .. For all of them, losing a good friend like u is really a pity. And yet, there's nothing we can do.

PASSED!

Dear lao gong

Finally .. after 5 months of driving lessons ... i've managed to pass my driving test ! Feels good .. don't need to drag myself to attend driving lessons during my off days... Pretty nervous during the test but luckily managed to pull through .. Now i'm a qualified driver. I know this is what u want. Still remember u've told me to get a licence asap so that i can be the driver and u can be the passenger .. I know u will be happy for me, but too bad i can't be your driver to drive u around ...

Bella is 8 and a half months old .. very mischievous yet cute. She never fail to brighten up my day .. whenever i was sad thinking about u .. Bella will put a smile on my face. I guess without her .. i wouldn't be breathing at this point of time ...

It's 10 April 2011

Dear lao gong

This day , 10 April 2009 , is a Good Friday . This is the day when we first met . It's not a love at first sight thingy .. But we just clicked. We have common interest .. pretty much the same type of character that we looked for in a relationship ..And many things happened. Life is unpredictable . Lots of sweet memories .. We laughed, we cried, we have small arguments, we celebrated, we enjoyed, we shared, we planned, we did loads of stuff together. But then, time is not enough. Fate left me a broken heart.

This day, when i met u, my whole life changed. U were the best and u gave me ur best. No deny to that. Though u can be playful and immatured sometimes, but u always put me as your number one priority. I'm really flattered. Thank you for giving me your all. U always tell me I am special and i'm so different from the others. U told me that i'm the one for u. I'm not sure what have i done that made u say this. I reciprocated. I've given my best and my all to you too. U've made me a happy woman ..

As what people always say, happy moment doesn't last forever. Well.. true enough it really doesn't. And happy moments are so short .. at least that's what i felt. I really envy my surrounding friends with a loving husband and watching their children grow up. And whenever i'm out, I was jealous when i see happy families. I really don't understand why it is so unfair. All my life, i'm in pursuit of happiness. I've made it .. why can't i continue to be happy? Is life really that UNFAIR? I really hate myself and my life now...

I always love going out with u .. I love to go for walks , window shopping , browsing at stuff in the supermarket .. Since u have left, things changed. I don't really like to go out in the day. Cos' i really dread to see happy families and loving couple. They make me feel inferior. During my off days, I will stay at home to look after Bella. I hate going out to face the world. But i have no choice if i got to go to work. I will always look down or look outside the window. I guess i still need to take time to get used to going out without u..

Since u've left, i've changed. I used to be a happy go lucky person and cheerful person all the time. Now, i'm always moody. I still try my best to be the original me when i'm out with my friends. I laughed, i create jokes and i tried to act cute sometimes. My close friends will see the difference in me. They know i've tried very hard and they have given me encouragements. U r my antidote. Well.. i guess i will never be cured since the antidote is gone forever ... =(

Things i miss doing with u ..

Dear lao gong

Ever since u were gone .. there are so many things i miss doing with u . Though some are very minor stuff .. but i do enjoy doing anything with u . Well .. I miss ..

• watching tv on our bed together
• doing nothing at home during our off days
• watching movies
• clubbing
• having breakfast in the morning in our off days
• talking lame stuff
• jogging
• scrubbing each others back
• giving u a good massage
• surf the web
• going for holidays
• slacking
• ktving
• chilling out
• snacking
• having late night suppers
• eating cheesecakes
• sharing food with u
• gossiping
• making fun of each other
• slow walk in the park

and so much more ...

whenever i think of the happy times we've shared , i always smile .. but whenever i think of the day that u left me , it was really a nightmare. I feel so scared .. so scared that u left me alone in this world. I really wish we could do all these stuff again. I know it's all wishful thinking , and it can never come true..

Happy birthday my love

To my dearest

Today is your 33 yr old birthday .. Suppose to be a happy occasion for both of us. We should be celebrating this happy day with our little angel , out for a nice birthday lunch and spending some quality time with u when Bella is asleep.. Still remember we celebrated ur birthday last year at my place & I've bought a beautiful cake for u. U've made a wish. Your wish to spend every birthday with me And Bella .. God didnt give u a chance . He is cruel ..

This morning I've brought Bella over to mother's place . Mother has arranged for the whole family to visit u today .. 6 of us went to the cemetery . Mother , 2nd brother & wife, 3rd brother & wife and myself .. First bro & wife din come along cos they went
Malaysia .Mother was very sad today . So do all of us . Forgive mother for scolding ur mistakes for drink & ride that caused the mishap .. She doesn't mean it & I know u understand as she can be naggy sometimes . She was just too heartbroken . We prayed for u , prayed to god to save ur soul and u r in the good hands of god . I know u r watching over us .. Keeping us safe . Thank you my dear .

It's really so sad to spend this day feeling so down .. A lot of people cared for me and give me lots of support . Some of your friends & colleagues whom i've never met before give meloads if encouragement. I'm really thankful to all of u for being there with me and empathize me. However, moving on seemed impossible for me . I will always be grieving.It is definitely a permanent scar that can never be healed.

It's supposed to be a joyous day .. My blog shouldn't be so gloomy .. Still miss u a lot. And I will miss u forever . I have no regrets loving u cos u r indeed a great man. It's really a pity that we can't sPend the rest of our lives together when we both have a head full of grey hairs and even, become grandparents. I will, finish ur incomplete journey & when I meet u one day , I will tell u all the wonderful moments . Wait for me my dear . 永远爱你的老婆。

i strike toto !!!~

Dear lao gong

I strike group 4 toto on thursday .. First time picking my own system 7 toto numbers and i hit 5 numbers .. I bought my age, ur age, bella's birthday , our wedding date and the day we knew each other. Collected by prize of $1396 on friday .. It's really a very rare case that i will buy toto or 4d cos' i dun believe i have lottery luck. I guess if u r around , u would be happy too ...

I've decided to donate a portion of my winnings to the red cross for the japanese. It's really crisis there .. everyday my heart breaks when i read the news about japan .. what's has mother nature done ???

I have started to feel Bella porridge.. and she loves it !! she's 7 and a half months old now ... Hmm.. now should be the time for me to start planning my leave and planning how to celebrate her one year old birthday ..

August will be a month of mix feelings for me.. Celebration for Bella .. and an anniversary for u .. Contradiction . That's really what i hate the most . And the worse part is .. I still got to spend many Augusts .. feeling the same thing over and over again...

My impression of u

Dear lao gong

The first impression that u've given me .. weren't that great though . To me, u r just another playboy that i've met in pubs that i've frequent. Well.. time really proved me wrong . U were great . In fact, the greatest. I really thank god for letting me meet such a good guy. Though time is short .. memories are always the sweetest ...

U've shown me the most sincere side of u and u've given me all the love that u can give. It is really amazing. To walk down the aisle holding your hand tight and making the vow of our lives. I really love u. Thank you for treating me and giving me the best that you could. I will never forget all of them ..

U were a great man .. U had a good personality .. U r a good hubby.. Though u can be childish at times and act cute in front of me . I'm always proud of u , proud of your job , proud of everything that u did. U r a responsible person. Serious at work , looking stern in ur army uniform , and after a day of hard work, u r a responsible hubby. U were a simple guy leading a simple life. U were honest too and u've revealed to me everything about your past. Thank you for your honesty .. As i've said before , the past were the past . I don't mind anything .. we should look forward to the future and change for the better ..

Mother can be naggy at times .. This is her way to show care and concern for u .. I understand why sometimes u raised your voice at her cos' after a long day of work, u were tired and yet mother still nags at u. I've asked u before , will u do the same to me in 10 years down the road after u got sick and tired of me. U promised u won't .. Thank u my dear .. that really means a lot to me ..

Whatever u did and u have given me .. Were the best i've ever had... I've never blamed you for leaving me so early.. I can only submit to fate. Learning to be strong is the toughest mission in my life .. Every night i will think of u before i sleep .. This has become a habit. I think i just miss u too much ..

It's been a while

Dear lao gong

Sorry hasn't been writing for the past weeks .. been busy with work and home and it's been so long since i last on my laptop .. Most of the time i've used my iphone to surf the web .. been real tired .. it's been closed to 7 months since u were gone . Still feeling so heartbroken and i still miss u a lot . Has been hanging out with my friends and colleagues recently for some happy hour drink after work . The feeling is even worse when i get high on alcohol .. Guess i really need a break ..

Last tuesday i've been to the cemetery with Bella to visit u .. How have u been ? I've given u a nice polish and i've put 3 angels to watch over u .. Hope u like it .. Bella is 7 mth 12 days old .. Time really pass by so fast .. in a few months time .. she will be a year old .. It's really great to see her growing day by day .. I know u've missed her .. And i know that u are feeling so hurtful for not being able to watch her grow and carry her in your arms .. Bella is getting cuter .. Now she's learning how to crawl .. She recognises people and keeps calling "papa" everyday .. How i wished u could hear her calling papa .. U will be touched with tears .. I still remember that u told me u nearly cried when u witness the birth of Bella . U said u controlled your tears cos' there are doctor and nurses around .. How egoistic can u be ... But u're forgiven cos' u've told me how u felt ..

Been visiting mother with Bella for the past few Sundays .. Mother is still the same .. Heartbroken .. And sometimes still can't believe the fact that u're gone .. I always believe life is unfair and can't be perfect ! u gain some , u lose some .. The biggest loss in my life is losing u .. No one expected that . Mother always ask me whether have u found your way up in heaven and in Christ arms .. I don't have an answer . I really don't know . Do u still remember us and miss us ? I don't have an answer either .. But i really hope u do. Cos' all of us here .. miss u so much.

Big tragedy happened last friday . Massive earthquake which resulted in a deadly tsunami in Japan . I've watched the news that shows what happened to Japan .. I really can't believe it .. I cried when i watched the news .. Life is just too fragile .. I'm learning to cherish every moment .. learning to be happy which is real difficult .. I felt a difference in me and in my life .. It's tough .. really so tough .. why do i have to learn it by the hardest way .. it's so unfair ! and i really hate it !

3 little angels with u ..

newly bought flowers

LITTLE BELLA AT 6 MONTHS OLD

missing u like crazy

Dear lao gong

Many of my friends tell me to take things easy .. and learn to let go . Well, it's really very difficult to control my mind when my heart tells me a different thing . It's been more than 6 months, but i still couldn't let go .. not even a little bit .. whenever i think of u , i will cry ..

I always miss u .. whenever i miss u , i will look at pictures of u .. and whenever i look at them .. naturally , tears will flow . I know this thing is irreversible .. How i wish it could be. I really don't want to live in this world without u .

2 more weeks to my driving test .. Next week will be back in driving school during my off days to refresh my driving skills .. I'm a gan cheong spider .. really hope everything will go fine .. Not  really have the confident to pass though .

How long more do i need to suffer? Though i've always behave back to my happy-go-lucky self .. but my heart still bleeds .. Non-stop bleeding .. and the blood will not stop flowing till the day i die .. I still blame God .. for taking u away from me . I really feel lonely without u .. no one to listen to me when i feel down , no one to ask for opinions when i really need it , no one to listen to my nonsense and no one to share my happiness .. What can i do ? I can only keep quiet ..

Half a year

My dearest ..

16 Feb today .. it's been half a year since u were gone .. How time flies .. felt pretty scary .. sorry i haven't been writing these few days as i was struggling to stop myself from switching on the computer and look at facebook.. I hate to read up facebook these few days as 2 days ago was Valentine's day .. I'm sure many of my friends in facebook will post lovey dovey notes for their beloved ones and putting up pictures of their gifts and how they spent their valentine's day .. I'm jealous .. real jealous .. Why couldn't i celebrate with u .. ?? It's just not fair at all !! I really hate ocassions .. big big time !!

It's really nice of your friend, May .. she fetched me to the cemetery on Valentine's day to visit u in the afternoon .. scorching hot sun , we've stayed and chit chatted with u for a while .. I missed u .. and really wished u were here with me to celebrate valentine's day for the rest of our lives .. she has sent me back in the late afternoon and for the rest of the day .. i was feeling really down. However, in the evening, a friend called me out for dinner after his work as he knew that i'm feeling down .. We went chomp chomp for late dinner .. I had all my favourite food , just felt slightly better .. but still , it will be perfect with u around. Really wanted to thank him for making my night a bit better ..

Yesterday at work, i had a long conversation with my buddy .. As usual, my buddy knew that i was feeling down. He asked me 3 questions , if I were the one who leave this world and you are the survivor with Bella .. God prepared a contract and i was requested to make a decision and sign it :
1) Will i want u to join me in 21 years time after Bella can take care of herself or would i want u to continue living to ripe old age and enjoy my life to the fullest ..
2) Will i want u to stay widowed for life , find a partner , or get another wife if a good person comes by ..
3) Will i want u to stay happy or want u to be sad for the rest of your life ?
Buddy told me that whatever my answer is to these 3 questions, will also be the same as u ...
These 3 questions really makes me think, what i really want for myself ..

The love that u've given to me was the greatest .. i truely appreciate what u have given me . I will never forget u my dear . U will always be in my heart ..

Your favourite songs

Dear lao gong

As usual, i love to watch MVs and videos on youtube when i'm free.. and in the past, during our free time, both of us will sit in the room watching youtubes if there were no good tv programs on TV .. It's been so long since i last heard your favourite songs from the early 90s.. During that time, i only listen to english music .. i always told me that i missed out all the nice songs in the past.. You were the one that introduce me to the nice songs of the early 90s which i've never heard before .. Theses are your 3 favourite songs which will always remind me of you:

张学友 - 她来听我的演唱会

動力火車 ─ 想你是臨睡的習慣

古巨基 - 中箭

These 3 songs are really so meaningful and nice. And i will never forget the way u sang these songs .. they were so beautiful and touching.. It will always be in my mind.. Not sure why , but whenever i heard these songs , i will feel very emotional and i will cry. It just seems like yesterday we were sitting in our room listening to these songs and today u were gone.. I can never forget how well u sang these songs ..

Still remember i told u i wanted to find shops that print photos onto tiles so that i can stick it onto your tomb ? I've found it. The shop is located at bugis junction .. Didn't really deliberately went down to check out the shop, just happened to pass by some of the push carts and i saw it. I've checked with the girl , she said that she only need 45 mins to complete the tile. I will probably go down in the next 2 weeks to print the photos once i've finished arranging them.

Today is the 6th day of chinese new year .. work has been real busy as many people come to try their luck for the new year .. During the past new year , u will always have gathering at your best friend's house and everybody will start to gamble and drink at their house .. I guess this year they will still have their usual gathering .. without u playing black jack with them , they should be feeling sad too.

Friends and relatives still do always comfort me by telling me that u have gone to heaven and in god's arm .. Thanks everybody for their nice comforting words. But is it really true that when one dies , their soul will either go to heaven or hell ? No one will have the answer unless one really dies. I know they just want me to feel better by telling me all these stuff .. All i know is that I really don't know where u have been to and i really miss u so much... when can i see u again ? I will always be looking forward to this day to happen ...

LAO GONG .. HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR

Dear lao gong

today it's the 2nd day of the rabbit year.. gone are the sad sad tiger year .. hope rabbit year will be better.. though it won't be perfect without u around.

Eve of CNY , after ending my work at 6pm, i rushed to mother's place for our reunion dinner at home. Everybody were there .. mother prepared lots of nice dishes.. there were your favourite fried prawns, chicken , duck , abalone , fish and crabs. All were so nice .. However, i can feel that everybody was sad without u around. Especially mother .. Though i was enjoying mother's cooking , but my heart was bleeding real bad. I really envy first , 2nd and 3rd brother having dinner with their wives and children. As for me, i was eating alone by myself, without u sitting beside me. Tears nearly dropped, i managed to control it well . After dinner, everyone left at about 9 plus and first brother went to work with his wife. Having seeing mother was alone at home, i decided to sit with her and accompany her for a while before i go home to take care of Bella. We had a long chat .. we chatted about our families .. I reached back home just before midnight .

First day of CNY , we went to mother's place after Bella took her morning nap .. I dressed her up in pink cheongsam .. she looks really pretty and cute. Mother's face immediately lighted up with smile the moment she saw Bella... She showed me pictures of u when u were a baby .. Bella really looked like u when u were young .. We left at about 5pm to my aunt house at woodlands .. Bella was so tired that she felt asleep in my arms after finishing her milk in the evening . Our little angel really loves the crowd. She smiles at all our relatives whenever she sees them . I was so afraid that bella might be afraid when she sees so many people around .. but she's not .. she is a real friendly baby .. Bella is a rich little baby now .. she has collected loads of ang pows from everybody . I shall deposit the money into her bank account after CNY is over ..

I can still remember last year , Bella was just about 3 months old in my stomach when we celebrated CNY .. We were both in joyous mood celebrating the new year and planning for our wedding .. I really miss ur presence .. I miss everything about u . Every night I will think of u before i sleep.. and i will still cry . I'm really not sure whether will i stop crying one day . it's really difficult .. especially when i see happy families around celebrating the holiday seasons and i'm just alone with Bella. I really envy happy families.. And i really hate myself for not having a complete family. Why is that so ? And why is it so unfair ?

rainy gloomy day

Dear lao gong

It has been raining for 2 days .. seems like free flow of water from up above .. Hope water doesn't goes right in to your grave .. so cold these 2 days .. How i wished u were around to tug under the blanket tightly.. need your warmth desperately.. where r u ?

Bella is getting better. Brought her to KK hospital A&E for checkup cos' she doesn't seems to get any better after 3 visits to the GP. Been sleep deprived cos' she's not well and keep waking up in the middle of the night crying.. Last 2 nights she has plenty of rest. Been giving her lots of water so that she won't dehydrate. Today she is much better. Able to laugh loudly when i played with her..

My off day today .. thought i could have a good rest as i've finished my driving lessons. My driving test date will me on 7th March.. wish me luck my dear .. i really need plenty of that. Though is my off day, i woke up very early in the morning to take care of Bella so that aunt can go to the supermarkets to stock up chinese new year stuff.. We are ready to welcome the year of Rabbit.. Tiger is going off soon. I really hope the rabbit year will be much better for me. I know it will never be perfect without u .. but as i always say .. what can i do ? i don't have any choice...

Went to the cemetery to visit u this morning after more than a month !!! so sorry my dear for not visiting as i was real busy .. i know u will understand. U r always a very understanding person .. and from up in heaven , u can see all our activities. Brought some new flowers to arrange at your place and i've thrown some discoloured ones. I've also cleaned up your place and polished your photo. U r ready to welcome the new year too .. After CNY i will go shop for some stuff to decorate your place.. i will also put up some photos of us on your grave. This morning i've saw one of your neighbour , a 20 year old boy's grave carved in a shape of a ship. It was so nicely decorated with beautiful flowers and his favourite toys. His family went to print his photos on tiles and stick it onto his tombstone. I will source out for shops who do these tiles and stick it on yours too ..

In the afternoon , your colleagues (chief clerk Sally , your direct boss Chris and colonel) came to visit me .. Very nice of them to arrange a time out of their busy schedule to visit us and asked me how am i doing. I really appreciate their kindess.. It's really so nice to have good colleagues like them.. But too bad u r not around to work together with them anymore. To them, it's really a big loss to lose u in this mishap.

Wednesday will be the eve of chinese new year .. still remember last year u joined my family for a nice steamboat dinner at my place.. u've bought bah kwa and dried mushrooms for my family too .. Our family had early reunion dinner this year and i will be going to mother's place for dinner on wednesday. We had our dinner on saturday evening, Though it should be a happy ocassion. I felt extremely sad without u sitting next to me, scooping food for me and helping me to shell prawns. I know i will be sad in every ocassions. Wednesday i will be working till 6pm , after work i will rush to mother's place for dinner .. i guess it will be a sad sad affair for all of us.. First brother will be doing the cooking..

My dear .. here's pictures for u .. our precious little one .. turning 6 months on the eve of CNY

Trying out the new headband aunt bought for her

Just dressed up .. going over to mother's place on sunday

Bella recovering from her diarohea .. getting thinner .. our poor baby

Bella watching soccer match !!

Baby Bella is sick

Dear lao gong

i've fully recovered .. appetite is still not that good though ... but the bad news is .. Bella has got my stomach flu virus.. She has diarrhoea for 4 days .. Brought her to the doctor for 3 times as the medication doesn't seem to work on her .. our poor baby .. my heart breaks when i see her this way ..

This morning when i brought her to the doctor, she said that Bella is teething. Her lower gum is swollen . Usually babies will have diarrhoea for about 3 days when they're teething. And her stomach flu make it worse.. She doesn't have appetite too as there is a lot of wind in her stomach.

Aunt and I are still monitoring her situation .. If it doesn't get better tomorrow, i will bring her to KK hospital for a detail check as the GP might not be experienced enough in checking babies. Luckily Bella still drinks water.. i was so afraid that she might get dehydrated ..

Very tired this few days as Bella keeps waking up in the middle of the night cos' she was feeling unwell. This afternoon went for my last driving lesson.. finally completed !! can book for my driving test ... my instructor was very nice.. he advised me to book for a few revision lessons just a week before my test so that i can remember the things that i've learnt instead of having revisions weekly. He said by doing this can save money and time .. I shall heed his advise..

I really need u to be around for Bella .. feeling so tired to take care of her. How i wished u were around to share some burden. SIGH !

road to recovery

Dear lao gong

I'm finally recovering ... after 8 days of non stop diarrhoea. I've finished my medication on friday and yet still running to the toilets, therefore i went to see doctor again yesterday. She gave me stronger types of medication. Works pretty fast, no more toilets in the evening .. finally out from hell.. haven't been eating for the past few days as i felt very bloated and no hunger pangs at all .. CNY is coming close.. hope i can get well soon ..

Off day today and tomorrow. Finally can get some proper rest. Brought Bella to mother's place this morning. Mother misses Bella a lot as i've been working for the past 2 sundays and haven't been  visiting her. Mother was sick too . She has cough and flu but she's recovering now.. She wore a mask when she played with Bella but did not carry her as she doesn't want to pass her virus to her. Next visit will be on first day of CNY as i've got to work for the next few sundays...

On new year eve, i'll be working till 6pm .. after work, i will be going back to mother's place for reunion dinner with the family. Everybody will be at mother's place for dinner. Big brother will be doing the cooking for all of us.. It will be the first time for our family to have reunion dinner without u around. I guess it will be sad for all of us .. Everybody misses u .

Yesterday after work, i went downstairs to buy dinner. I passed by Sheng Siong supermarket. There were loads of CNY goodies and they have taken up all the empty spaces that they can around the supermarket. Suddenly, i think of u . Still remember last year we were shopping for CNY goodies at the supermarket for our home .. We were still laughing and making fun of the new year songs that they've played. One year has gone.. how time flies.. and u r not around anymore.

Next week i will be making a trip down to CCK cemetery to pay u a visit and to clean up your tombstone. So sorry that i haven't been visiting u as i was busy with work, driving and taking care of our baby. I hope u will understand. Since CNY is coming soon, i will go there to polish up your place for the new year.. I know u've missed me.

Everyone has been consoling me telling me that you will be in heaven looking over us .. well, it is true? No one has the answer until one really passes on. I wish u will be looking out for us too.. making sure that Bella is safe and healthy.. Many people around me have learnt to move on without u in their lives. It seems like i still have the difficulty doing so. Though at times i may still behave back to my happy-go-lucky self.. but in my heart i still feel the very bad pain without u. I know it's uncurable.. but still, i don't have any choice. I really wonder why God didn't give me any chance but just ONE WAY to go .. I hate this feeling and i don't want this feeling. What can i do?

still sick

Dear lao gong

Flu and fever gone .. still have bad diarrhoea .. I was off yesterday .. went to the doctor . Doctor diagnosed that i had stomach flu . Has given me 2 days of MC .. As usual , stubborn me will go to work cos' i dun want to trouble my colleague to take over my shift. Doctor said that i must avoid eating fruits, vegetables, oily food, spicy food and milk product.. really hope i can get well soon after all the medications given to me..

Yesterday i went for driving lesson .. 1 more lesson to go and i can book for my driving test . Hope everything goes well .. might be due to constant diarrhoea that makes my legs weak ... couldn't really control my clutch well yesterday.. my instructor was really understanding .. 

Appetite was really bad.. Don't feel like eating these few days and i've been wasting a lot of food. Didn't have dinners these 3 days as i felt really bloated. Been waking up so many times in the middle of the night just to go to the toilets.. Must be the stomach flu that is making me feel this way .. I know if u r around, u will be worried for me .. and will buy food for me and make sure i have my regular meals. Really really wish u were around. I really need u . It's so difficult to live on my own ... i'm very tired.

2 nights ago... I dreamt that i died in a car crash .. someone was the driver and i was sitting beside the driver.. We were travelling in very heavy rain and the condition was really bad. We can't see what's in front of us. Suddenly a big trunk skidded and the driver stepped on the brake. There was a big bike opposite , lost control of his bike , ride up the trunk and landed on our car and right on top of my head. I died on the spot.. scary dream .. it was a nightmare.. not sure what's wrong with me having strange dreams.. must have a reason somehow i guess..

Here's some pictures of our cute little baby .. she is 5 mths and 17 days old now ..

My malfunction body

Dear lao gong

Weather has not been good these few days .. Think I've catch a cold .. Having fever since Yesterday.. Been surviving on panadols .. Feeling letargic and tired . Slept for 12 hrs on Friday night , still not well ..working till 10pm on Friday , another 13 hr today & 12 hr shift on Monday before my off day on tues .. Hope I can pull through this . Don't want to take mc as I dun wan to trouble anyone to cover my shift ... I know if u r around u will surely nag at me to see a doctor and rest at home cos I only take mc when I really can't move out from my bed ..

Our little girl had her immunization on Friday . Seems like she has got good memory .. The moment I sat down in the room with the nurse preparing for injection , she cried so loud .. But she is brave , she stopped after the injection is over .. Bella is now 6.85kg and 63cm tall .. Nurse said she is growing normally juz that her head is a little big .. Next visit to polyclinic will be in may .. No injection , only routine checkup of 9th month growth development ..


Since yesterday I had bad diarrohea .. Not sure what stuff I ate .. Been running to the toilet many times in middle of the night till now .. There is still big war in my stomach .. I really hate this sickly feeling especially when I am working ..

How I Wish u were here with me ..

my strange dream

Dear lao gong

It's tuesday .. finally off day is here ... !! trying to slow the pace of my lifestyle .. last night i dream of u again .. a strange dream .. people always say there are meanings to different types of dream , but i dunno how true is that .

Last night i dreamt of u ... can't really remember much again . I only can remember that we've chatted and hugged. I was in a dark place .. with no light around .. then the next moment i was standing right in front of your grave.. u were standing beside the grave, waiting for me. I looked at u and u smiled at me .. and it just feels like u r waiting for me there for so long . cannot remember what is our conversation , all i can remember is that i felt so happy to see u and to hold u .

what does this mean ? r u telling me that i've not been visiting u for the past 2 weeks ? or r u just waiting for me at the other side of the world ?

Learning to move on

Dear lao gong

I'm back from Genting on friday night . Didn't have time to talk to u cos' i'm working for the past 2 days .. One more day of full shift for me before my off day comes on tues ... On tuesday .. i still have 4 hours of driving lessons .. Suddenly felt that my life is very hectic .. feeling so tired .. maybe i should slow down my pace.

Company trip to genting is a pretty relaxing one for me .. Didn't visit the casino though cos' gambling is not my cup of tea .. I'm just there hanging out with my colleagues and enjoyed the nice cold weather .. It's pretty cooling there at this period of time .. About 12 to 18 degrees Celsius .. free flow of air con !! u will surely love it if u r there . Basically me and my colleagues were singing songs at ktv for 2 consecutive days , drinking at night and feasting for these 3 days .. However, I'm missing Bella so much when i'm in Genting . Travelling now is so different compared to last time . In the past, i was always feeling very excited and looking forward to holiday trips.. But now, even when i'm not home for a full shift work, i will miss her. I guess next time i will bring Bella along for holidays.. I want to make her the happiest girl in this world. I really hope i can do that.

Your time has stopped moving forever .. U will never grow old .. Will be remaining at 32 yrs old .. As for me , my time continue to move without u by my side. You are always afraid of getting old and getting fat .. Now u've got your wish .. stopped growing .. How i wished i could be like u . I really want to stop getting old and stop moving on. Where is my finishing line? I really don't know. I'm still struggling and learning to move on , with close friend and buddy giving me the support. It's been so difficult. I still got to learn. But if .. one day .. i leave this world full of wrinkles and white hair .. will u still recognise me ?

My untitled post ..

Dear lao gong

Hard disk in my brain is not working .. can't think of a title to put .. anyway i shall let it be untitled post.. Today is my off day .. Went for 4 hours of driving lessons .. very tired .. cos' i slept late last night and wake up early in the morning . Progressing well on my driving lessons, just need to learn to be more confident .. I've learnt vertical parking and next lesson will be my parallel parking. Ending my subjects soon , just a few more lessons to go .. Next 3 days i will be at genting .. it's our company trip . Which also means i can't see Bella for 3 days !! I will miss her so much ..

Yesterday i worked at full shift at chinatown branch. In the past, i used to float quite frequently at chinatown. This is the place where u first pick me up from work , fetch me to work and having dinner with me after work. Most of the days u will pick me up from work at chinatown cos' u were afraid that i was too tired to take a public transport home as it's a pretty long journey. In some days, i can see that u r very tired .. but u will still make the effort to fetch me even though i assured you that i can go back on my own. I'm really glad that u've cared for me so much .. thank you for loving me and always treat me like a queen ..

Next 3 days will be a relax day for me.. I don't gamble.. so i won't be visiting the casinos there .. and for the theme park , i've finished all the games many years back , and i'm too old for that. So most of the time i will enjoy the cool air and sleep .. Hope that i can cure my very BAD dark circles below my eyes .. my poor aunt has to take care of our little baby for 3 days .. should be ok cos' she is a very experienced person. Going to bed soon .. got to wake up at 4am to pack my stuff and get ready to go .. have to reach causeway point by 6am .. Good night my dear .. miss u loads..

The New Year

Dear lao gong

Today is the 2nd day of 2011 .. It's the new year.. I really hope this year will be a much better year for me. I've really had enough of sadness during the last quarter of 2010 .. I don't wish to go through any unhappiness this year. I know many things are not within my control .. but for those controllable stuff , i will definitely make it better.

Year end party .. I went to vivocity to have a nice dinner and some good beer at Brozeit with some colleagues and friends.. good place for dinner and chill out .. after dinner, we went st james for countdown party.. managed to control the amount of alcohol i've took so that i can get a MRT home. I've been to so many countdown parties in my life , surely there won't be any taxis available after midnight .. safely reached home at 3am while my friends continue to party till dawn ..

Bella is 5 months old today .. suddenly felt that time flies by so swiftly .. I really love the little angel of ours so much ! I love the way she rubbed her eyes when she just woke up and when she is tired .. she is just so cute.. Yesterday aunt went to JB with my brother to do some shopping .. I've took over the job to take care of Bella and did some housework .. Had a pretty enjoyable day with our little baby..

Today we went over to visit mother. It's been 2 weeks since i've last visited her cos' i'm working for the past 2 sundays. I've explained to her about my job scope.. luckily she is able to understand and not being angry about it. It seems like her mood is getting a bit better. At least she won't repeat those sad things about you .. Today she cooked lots of yummy stuff .. she prepared chili crab , scrambled egg and braised pork .. I really love her food. How nice if you were around and we can enjoy the dinner together ..

Back to work tomorrow .. a week of leave passes by so quickly .. maybe i'm busy all the time that's why i felt that time flies by extremely fast. Still felt tired even though i'm not working for a week .. Anyway tomorrow i will be on full shift at the busy branch.. gonna be shacked tomorrow .. I will rest early tonight .. Happy new year my dear .. love u always !

End of 2010

Dear lao gong

Been quite moody this week even though christmas is over.. I guess holiday seasons really affects me a lot.. I was real grumpy too .. whenever my friends or colleagues talk to me .. i will give one word answer instead of being my talkative self. I felt quite bad about my behaviour .. especially my buddy .. he was affected the most. Buddy , if u r reading this .. "so sorry for showing some pek chek attitude to u, i really didn't mean it" .. Please forgive me !!

I'm on childcare leave for the whole of this week.. Though on leave, still quite busy at home.. I've let my aunt go on leave too .. Monday i've after my morning driving lesson, aunt went out shopping after i took over Bella .. Tuesday i have driving lesson .. wednesday stayed at home to take care of Bella so aunt can do some cleaning at home .. and today .. went for my final theory test and driving lessons.. All goes fine .. i've passed my final theory and completed my stage 2 driving .. tomorrow is the end of 2010 .. should be meeting colleagues for dinner and a countdown party after that ..

Last year 2009 , we had a simple meal .. watched a live concert and went to your good friends place for gathering.. though simple .. it was fun .. as long as we spent time together. We had wine and played games till late. I really missed the times where we celebrate ocassions. Though we are both party people, we don't do countdowns in club cos' it will be very packed and we won't enjoy together. We will always prefer to spend time with our friends and families instead ..

2010 .. it's really a year of ups and downs for me . It is supposed to be a very good year for us .. Getting married and welcoming the birth of our baby girl .. And you , getting a promotion .. And we, building a happy family.. I do agree that Good things do come to an end , but i never know it will end so soon . U've left us on 16 august. 16 August 2010 .. the most painful day of my life .. 2 May 2010 .. happiest day of our life when we exchanged our vows .. 2 August 2010 .. the arrival of our beautiful baby girl .. these are the 3 days that will be imprinted into my heart ..  how ironic can life be  ? or is just heaven that is making a fool of me ?

I really hope 2011 will be a better year for me .. I wanted to be happy and feel happy from my heart.. But it doesn't seem to work at this moment no matter how hard i try .. No matter what i do i will think of u . I will think of the things we used to do and the things u used to say to me. It is so hard for me not to think of u .. And i guess i will never forget u .. I still do miss u .. and as time passes by .. i miss u more everyday ..

Merry merry Xmas to u my dear !

Dearest lao gong

25th December 2010 .. Wishing u a Merry Xmas .. Hope u enjoy yourself up there in heaven .. It's the first Xmas without u .. A joyous occasion making me feel superbly sad .. I know u will never come back to celebrate with us . Really feel so down today ..

I'm on morning shift today .. from 8am till 2.45pm .. it will be great if u r still around. U will be waiting for me at home and Bella to celebrate our first Xmas together as a family. Anyway , i meet up with my good sister for a nice late lunch at Bishan and head back home to accompany Bella ..

First time after so many years of counting down for Xmas that i didn't attend any countdown party last night.. A few friends invited me to clubs and pubs for countdown .. but i've rejected them all .. I'm moody .. Really not in the mood to celebrate this great ocassion .. Just hoping that u will be around with me.

Slept pretty early last night as i was tired . I dreamed of u and Kenny .. in army uniforms .. sitting and chatting with each other .. and there were some army boys around .. I saw Kenny face and your face .. smiling .. looks pretty real to me . Maybe u guys have found each other . Can't really remember much of the dream when i woke up in the morning ..

It's sunday tomorrow .. Working full shift .. which means i can't visit mother again .. After tomorrow, i will be on a week on childcare leave .. Most of the time will be staying at home to take care of Bella so my aunt can take some time off for shopping and her own stuff .. Bella is a active baby .. never stop moving her hands and legs the moment she opens her eyes .. she loves to laugh and smile. Should be a happy person when she grows up .. Bella misses Daddy .. I miss u .. Merry Christmas my dear.. Love u always..

My mood

Dear lao gong

It's the holiday season .. 2 more days to christmas .. everybody around me are in joyous mood and counting down to christmas .. I'm sure if u were around , we will be looking forward to christmas. A season to share joy and happiness. Well, in fact , i was so not looking forward to christmas. Holiday seasons seem extremely sad to me. It will always remind me of the happy times we've once had .. I really envy couples and families that can celebrate and enjoy holidays together. When u left , u have taken away a big part of my happiness in life.

Still feeling emotionally unwell .. I thought i'm getting better. Maybe it's christmas that makes me feel this way. I'm feeling so tired to cry when i think of u everyday. I really wish i can stop. But i still can't..

I guess i've did quite a good job in putting a strong front to everybody. I got to learn to be strong cos' Bella has only mummy to depend on now, and of cos, with daddy watching over her from up above..

Today is my off day .. Went for 4 hours of driving lessons .. Pretty tiring , especially my legs .. Lessons are getting tougher as now i'm learning how to reverse , doing 3 point turn , turning into crank course and much more.. Need good balancing of clutch , brake and accelerator .. Now i know driving is not that easy after all ..

I've always miss Bella a lot whenever i'm not with her.. everyday when i finished work , i will always rush back home to see her and take care of her. I guess this is call motherhood .. And i will do what it takes to make sure she grows up well. I never expect anything in return , I just want her to be happy always . That is the only mission in my life . And i will complete it before i can rest in peace.