End of 2010

Dear lao gong

Been quite moody this week even though christmas is over.. I guess holiday seasons really affects me a lot.. I was real grumpy too .. whenever my friends or colleagues talk to me .. i will give one word answer instead of being my talkative self. I felt quite bad about my behaviour .. especially my buddy .. he was affected the most. Buddy , if u r reading this .. "so sorry for showing some pek chek attitude to u, i really didn't mean it" .. Please forgive me !!

I'm on childcare leave for the whole of this week.. Though on leave, still quite busy at home.. I've let my aunt go on leave too .. Monday i've after my morning driving lesson, aunt went out shopping after i took over Bella .. Tuesday i have driving lesson .. wednesday stayed at home to take care of Bella so aunt can do some cleaning at home .. and today .. went for my final theory test and driving lessons.. All goes fine .. i've passed my final theory and completed my stage 2 driving .. tomorrow is the end of 2010 .. should be meeting colleagues for dinner and a countdown party after that ..

Last year 2009 , we had a simple meal .. watched a live concert and went to your good friends place for gathering.. though simple .. it was fun .. as long as we spent time together. We had wine and played games till late. I really missed the times where we celebrate ocassions. Though we are both party people, we don't do countdowns in club cos' it will be very packed and we won't enjoy together. We will always prefer to spend time with our friends and families instead ..

2010 .. it's really a year of ups and downs for me . It is supposed to be a very good year for us .. Getting married and welcoming the birth of our baby girl .. And you , getting a promotion .. And we, building a happy family.. I do agree that Good things do come to an end , but i never know it will end so soon . U've left us on 16 august. 16 August 2010 .. the most painful day of my life .. 2 May 2010 .. happiest day of our life when we exchanged our vows .. 2 August 2010 .. the arrival of our beautiful baby girl .. these are the 3 days that will be imprinted into my heart ..  how ironic can life be  ? or is just heaven that is making a fool of me ?

I really hope 2011 will be a better year for me .. I wanted to be happy and feel happy from my heart.. But it doesn't seem to work at this moment no matter how hard i try .. No matter what i do i will think of u . I will think of the things we used to do and the things u used to say to me. It is so hard for me not to think of u .. And i guess i will never forget u .. I still do miss u .. and as time passes by .. i miss u more everyday ..

Merry merry Xmas to u my dear !

Dearest lao gong

25th December 2010 .. Wishing u a Merry Xmas .. Hope u enjoy yourself up there in heaven .. It's the first Xmas without u .. A joyous occasion making me feel superbly sad .. I know u will never come back to celebrate with us . Really feel so down today ..

I'm on morning shift today .. from 8am till 2.45pm .. it will be great if u r still around. U will be waiting for me at home and Bella to celebrate our first Xmas together as a family. Anyway , i meet up with my good sister for a nice late lunch at Bishan and head back home to accompany Bella ..

First time after so many years of counting down for Xmas that i didn't attend any countdown party last night.. A few friends invited me to clubs and pubs for countdown .. but i've rejected them all .. I'm moody .. Really not in the mood to celebrate this great ocassion .. Just hoping that u will be around with me.

Slept pretty early last night as i was tired . I dreamed of u and Kenny .. in army uniforms .. sitting and chatting with each other .. and there were some army boys around .. I saw Kenny face and your face .. smiling .. looks pretty real to me . Maybe u guys have found each other . Can't really remember much of the dream when i woke up in the morning ..

It's sunday tomorrow .. Working full shift .. which means i can't visit mother again .. After tomorrow, i will be on a week on childcare leave .. Most of the time will be staying at home to take care of Bella so my aunt can take some time off for shopping and her own stuff .. Bella is a active baby .. never stop moving her hands and legs the moment she opens her eyes .. she loves to laugh and smile. Should be a happy person when she grows up .. Bella misses Daddy .. I miss u .. Merry Christmas my dear.. Love u always..

My mood

Dear lao gong

It's the holiday season .. 2 more days to christmas .. everybody around me are in joyous mood and counting down to christmas .. I'm sure if u were around , we will be looking forward to christmas. A season to share joy and happiness. Well, in fact , i was so not looking forward to christmas. Holiday seasons seem extremely sad to me. It will always remind me of the happy times we've once had .. I really envy couples and families that can celebrate and enjoy holidays together. When u left , u have taken away a big part of my happiness in life.

Still feeling emotionally unwell .. I thought i'm getting better. Maybe it's christmas that makes me feel this way. I'm feeling so tired to cry when i think of u everyday. I really wish i can stop. But i still can't..

I guess i've did quite a good job in putting a strong front to everybody. I got to learn to be strong cos' Bella has only mummy to depend on now, and of cos, with daddy watching over her from up above..

Today is my off day .. Went for 4 hours of driving lessons .. Pretty tiring , especially my legs .. Lessons are getting tougher as now i'm learning how to reverse , doing 3 point turn , turning into crank course and much more.. Need good balancing of clutch , brake and accelerator .. Now i know driving is not that easy after all ..

I've always miss Bella a lot whenever i'm not with her.. everyday when i finished work , i will always rush back home to see her and take care of her. I guess this is call motherhood .. And i will do what it takes to make sure she grows up well. I never expect anything in return , I just want her to be happy always . That is the only mission in my life . And i will complete it before i can rest in peace.

Tired .. very tired

Dear lao gong

How i wish u were around to share my burden ... Been very tired physcially and mentally.. Been keeping myself busy so that i have no time to feel sad .. Besides working , my off day activities will be learning driving and taking care of Bella . I know things won't be this way if u were around.  Many things are just so unfair..

Today is my off day .. I given myself a break for not going for my driving lessons today . Stayed at home the whole day to take care and play with Bella .. It's been a good day for me , building bond with her. She is the one that will brighten up my days .. I really wouldn't know how i can live without her .. Can't help but i looked through your photos again .. As usual , tears flow .. I just missed u everything about u too much ..

I didn't visit mother on Sunday cos' i was working full shift .. But i still call her as usual to check out how is she doing .. Oh ya , she removed the keroppi clock in the living room that u've bought during one of your holiday trips.. She said that everyday when she sat on the sofa .. she will think of u when she saw the clock .. she still feels so sad .. everytime she will cry when she talked about u .. how i wished i can help her ..

My secondary school classmate, Joanne , has given birth to baby boy on 18 dec .. she has a hard time given birth .. after pushing for a few hours , she went for c-section instead .. Both mommy and baby were fine .. She has named him Lewis .. Felt so happy for her .. i will visit her and baby sometime next week ..

Our bella is responding well .. now she knows how to grab and hold things around her and put in her mouth .. she loves to play with toys and when she grabs it , she will take some time to look and observe the toy .. And now, she likes to suck her thumb .. It's bella again .. photos taken yesterday and today .. she is 4mths and 18 days old.. how time flies ..

The 4th month without u

Dear lao gong

Today is 16th dec .. it's the 4th month since u were gone.. I miss u a lot .. Absence makes the heart feels fonder .. U r gone forever , only leaving me memories of u . I know u won't be back .. here's our pretty little girl .. photos taken on sunday on our way to mother's place .. Bella can recognise people very well.. she always smiles at me whenever she sees me ..



Wednesday .. i meet up with some friends at Bottletree park for a nice dinner and some beers.. We chilled out and have a simple gift exchange to celebrate christmas in advance.. Bottletree park is one of the place that we wanted to hold our wedding .. But u worried that the weather is too hot for me therefore we chose to have it at Chevrons..

Went to visit you yesterday .. been busy lately. Haven't visit u for 2 weeks. I was on half shift yesterday and your secondary school classmate, May, meet me at my workplace and drove me to the cemetery.. So nice of her , to find time to send me to visit u. She has also introduced me some facial products and i've been using them now. In the past, u always say i didn't do much stuff to protect and care for my face. She has a friend who works for Clarins and i've gotten some products from her at 30% discount. Reaching 30 yrs old in 2 yrs time, it's time for me to really get serious to do some maintenances on my face before it's too late..

A few days ago, there was some news about the Hilton hotel couple. We've discussed about this very sad story when u were around .. The bride wrote to her husband everyday .. telling him that she wouldn't want to be alone in this world and how much she missed him . It was really a tragic love story . I've read the details of her entries in the newspaper .. It was so sad and heartbroken that i cried. I can understand how painful it is .. She never want to move on without her husband. She was brave .. Brave to join her husband in another world. This is the power of love. How i wished i can be like her .. to leave this world , join u in another and live happily ever after. But i can't . I still have Bella to take care. I know u will never forgive me if i were to leave this world... We have to stay apart .. for a period of time .. I will watch her grow. And when i see u one day , i will tell u everything about our baby girl and her growing up stages.. U will definitely be a proud daddy.

I was so not looking forward to Christmas.. And it is the first time in my life that i'm not looking forward to that. Still remember last year i've bought a sling bag for u cos' your current one was quite worn off .. U loved the bag. U said that it's not suitable for u to bring to camp to work as the bag might accidentally get damaged. Therefore u will only bring out when we go out instead of work.. However, u've only used for a few times cos' most of the time u will put everything in your pocket instead of bringing a bag... Now, the bag is sitting in your room .. Always feeling so sad when i looked at the bag cos' it always remind me of our first christmas together .. Never would i thought that this was the last christmas for us...

This morning .. after driving lesson , i went for hi-tea buffet with my buddy and his friend. It's my buddy's birthday today .. therefore we treated him for a nice buffet at Marriott Hotel .. After food .. we went shopping at Takashimaya .. I've bought Bella some cute and pretty new year clothings and bought 3 little angels for u .. I will put it on the tomb the next time i visit u ..

I really want to know where r u .. really miss u a lot..

Nothing seems right

Dear lao gong

Sorry for not telling u what's happening around for the past 3 days .. Been so busy with everything and time seems to pass so fast like nobody's business .. These 3 days has not been good for me .. or in fact , it really sucks .. How i wish u were around to give me the support that i really and desperately need now ..

Thursday .. finally managed to meet up with your god sister for lunch in the late afternoon .. Her office is at tanjong pagar area, which is near my branch. Therefore, we decided to meet up in the late afternoon for a quick lunch .. We chatted a lot .. She is really a nice and pretty lady .. She has given me a lot of valuable advices on how to take care of our little girl and plannings for her future ..

After my shift ended at 8pm .. i went down to Jurong west to attend Kenny's wake to pay him his last respect . . I thought i can control my emotions well .. and i kept telling myself not to shed a tear at the wake cos' it's not very nice as his families are around. By crying , i will only make them feel sadder.. When I reached around 9.30pm , the priests are having some praying session.. Therefore, i waited for a while for the session to finish before i can offer jossticks to him and see him for the last time at the coffin .. While waiting, i really couldn't control myself .. i went out of the wake area and cried at a corner .. I really couldn't believe this young man is gone and i can feel how heartbroken his families were .. The praying session finished at 10pm .. i offered joss-sticks , said some things to Kenny .. and then i went to see him at the coffin . I saw Kenny lying there peacefully .. I know all along Kenny was very thin .. However, due to the one month of struggling and fighting for his life , he has become even thinner. He was so bony when he left .. He must have fought very hard ..  Everyone praised him for his braveness to fight . No one blames him for giving up .. as one day , everybody has to leave this world. He has indeed left beautiful footprints in everyone's heart.

Reached home at around midnight after Kenny's wake .. feeling so miserable and sad . Really wished i have your shoulder to cry on and hearing your voice telling me everything will be alright.. I slept at around 2am after settling and packing some stuff at home. Couldn't get to sleep, maybe i was too sad. But after i fell asleep , i dream of u .. I saw ur face . U looked so real . U really gave me the hug which i needed the most and i really tell me not to feel sad. I can still remember the hug .. it was so tight and i really wish u could hug me tight forever and never let me go. After this dream , i woke up , feeling a cold wind passing me by .. all my hair stood up .. really not sure why i suddenly felt so cold and when i looked out of the window, it was not raining. I covered myself with blanket and went back to sleep again. This time, i dreamed of u again. We were in a room , which is sort of like our room .. I saw u busy painting the walls and arranging the stuff in the room .. I walked in and asked u what r u doing .. u told me that it's a surprise for me and asked me to wait outside until u've settled everything .. after waiting for a few moment, u asked me to come into the room .. it was a room that u've decorated for me .. everything were so colourful . And the next moment , i woke up .. I guess u must have felt me feeling so sad and u've came to comfort me. Thank you lao gong, i really feel much better in the morning. I really wish i can dream of u everyday... Though not possible, but i know u will still be there for me when i needed u the most.

On Friday .. it's Bella's immunization appointment at 11.40am at the polyclinic .. As usual , my aunt is always so 'gan cheong' and wanted to go earlier before the appointment time. She was forever rushing me and i'm always the slow tortoise waiting for people to push me from behind. We left the house around 11.15am .. I was carrying Bella so i walked slower than her.. when we just passed our block, aunt missed a step and fell onto the ground. I was too slow react to hold her back. Right side of her face was badly bruised .. there's some blueblacks at her eye area and lower jaw. Luckily she didn't sprain her legs or hands.. A bad start for the day .

Bella  is 6.5kg .. growing fine and healthy , on soy milk now. She is getting used to soy milk .. Her phlegm has reduced quite a lot .. As usual, after the injection, Bella will feel some discomfort. When she reached home, she kept crying non-stop until we carry her .. As i have afternoon shift, i got to rush to work after bringing her home. So aunt has to take care of her alone.. Aunt called me in the evening saying that Bella still keep crying.. I've asked her to measure her temperature and our poor baby has fever.. According to the nurse, usually babies will have fever after injections. Therefore, we have prepared fever medication for her. I was so worried at work and couldn't concentrate properly.. Finished work and quickly rushed back home . When i reached home, Bella was asleep. I measured her temperature every 3 hours and her fever still has not subside. We've bought fever patch from Watson to stick on her forehead to reduce the temperature.. Today , she's better , but stil having on and off fever .. I guess next round of injection i will need to get a off day instead of half day work , just in case Bella feels unwell i can be around to take care of her.

Christmas is coming .. in about 2 weeks time. I'm really NOT looking forward to christmas. Cos' it will be a sad christmas as u will not be around to celebrate with me and Bella .. Nothing seems right for the past few days besides the part that i dreamt of u .. Really hope that things will get better.. Please do watch out for us wherever u r ..

Singlehood

Dear lao gong

Life is really hard without u .. Being single and alone without seeing u everyday really breaks my heart .. I'm so used to receiving your sweet messages everyday , meeting u everyday after work and talking to u .. Eating alone without your company and I have no one to listen to my complains .. Still trying my best to be strong in front of my friends , families and colleagues .. I'm so scared being alone.

U've always wanted to be a good daddy and a role model for Bella .. U told me that u wanted teach Bella the correct ways .. U will be the bad guy educating and be firm to Bella and i will be the good guy to sayang her when she gets scoldings from u .. I guess i have to do that all alone .. Really have no idea how to go about doing it, but i will still try my best to nurture and teach her ..

Tomorrow will be a full day work for me .. after work , i'll be going down to Kenny's wake at Jurong .. To pay my last respect to him , that is the least i can do ... I'm off this sunday .. will be visiting mother with Bella ..

Snacking !! is what we both love .. I can have titbits all day without having any proper meals .. Most of the time we will shop at NTUC for our snacks and stock up in the room .. During our off days or everyday after work , we will sit in front of the TV and have our snacks.. It's really fun when we fight over our titbits .. we both love potato chips .. Ever since u were not around , it seemed like i've not eaten any titbits for more than 3 months .. Snacking alone is not fun anymore ..

I'm still learning .. learning how to stand up and learning to be strong .. I'm lucky to have buddy and good friends around to support me .. without them , i wouldn't know what to do . Thank u everyone for the support , i really appreciate the time u've spent with me giving me support and cheering me up. I realised it's a blessing in disguise..

It's a SAD day

Dear lao gong

As usual , when i travel on the train , i will on my iphone and log on to facebook to read up what's happening to my friends around me .. Today , as i was waiting for the bus to the driving centre at Admiralty Mrt station , i read a post by your colleague which is the post that i never wanted to read . Still remember about 1 month ago i've mentioned to you that your colleague, Kenny Chong, was in critial condition at the ICU as his lungs collapsed? He was on life supporting machine .. 2 weeks ago, i read from his wallpost that his condition was getting better. His sister will post the updates on his wall to let everyone know. A week ago, his condition got worse and was really critical. Everybody prayed for him and really hoped for the best. This morning, I read that he has passed away peacefully in the hospital. I couldn't control my emotions .. tears drop .. I've booked for 2 lessons of driving today, i'm really not in the mood for driving.

Though i don't know Kenny well ... but he should be a nice guy .. cos' i've read so many touching and heartwarming posts that all his friends have posted on his wall wishing him to get well soon .. He has attended your funeral but i did not have the chance to thank him face to face .. I was really feeling so sad today, i went to the toilet and cried.. Kenny was young , same age as me .. He has a bright future ahead .. But then, he has lose this battle .. I can feel how sad his family are now .. It won't be easy for them to lose a son and a brother...

Thinking of the brighter side, it might be better for Kenny .. After struggling from so long , finally he can be free from pain .. It is not easy to depend on the life supporting machine .. so many tubes and needles in and out of his body .. It must be real painful .. Now, Kenny is free from sufferings and pain... Joining u up there in heaven ..

To Kenny "May u rest in peace .. though u r gone, u will live in everyone's heart ..  一路走好"

Today's 2 lessons of driving was pretty dramatic .. I'm not in the mood and not my usual self today .. Usually I will chit chat and joke with the instructors .. but today, i just kept quiet and drove .. Just feel so sad and down. The first lesson in the morning , I nearly knocked down a china man that ran past the road even though he saw me approaching. The instructor quickly asked me to brake and stop the car. He was so angry that he horned at the pedestrian .. the pedestrian pointed middle finger at the instructor and he nearly went out to fight with him .. in the end, i asked my instructor to cool down and i quickly drove off .. The second lesson, i witnessed an accident. The motorbike in front of me skidded at the bend and the rider fell off from the bike. The rider broke his leg .. within minutes, the ambulance came .. hmm... wat a dramatic day ..

Life !! is just too fragile .. and TIME !! is moving on too fast .. I guess we must live every moment like it was the last for us before it's too late .. Kenny will be deeply missed .. and SO DO U my dear ! Love u always ..

有些东西要失去了才懂得珍惜

Dear lao gong

有些东西要失去了才懂得珍惜 .. to admit , most of the time, we take things for granted... we will only learn to cherish something or someone more after we have lost it and then we will learn our lesson .. by losing u , makes me cherish the people around me more.. I guess many of my friends do learn an important lesson from my incident .. we never know when our loved ones and our friends will leave us .. everything are predestined .. every second is very important to all of us ..

It's been a tiring week for me .. Thursday night was my company's D&D at Sheraton Hotel .. Had lots of fun and free flow of wine ... seems that my life now is about work , Bella and driving lessons .. Some pics taken at D&D

Our baby girl is 4 mths and 2 days old .. already one third of a year old .. she is growing fast .. always so happy to see her when i wake up in the morning and when i'm back home from work .. Here's Bella at 4 months .. She is responding very well and loves to smile a lot ..

"Ah Bi" ! is what mother called u .. or in fact , this is what the whole family addressed u as .. I laughed when i first heard mother called u .. It was so weird cos this nickname really doesn't suit u .. I even made fun of u by calling u Ah Bi too .. U said that u were the youngest in the family .. therefore Bi means Baby in short . A big big man being called "Ah Bi" .. it's really funny . 2 Sundays ago when all of us visited u at the cemetery .. mother kept shouting "Ah Bi" at your tombstone .. it doesn't seem funny to mean anymore.. i felt so sad.

Bella's chinese name is called MeiXin (beautiful heart) .. There's a reason why we've named her that .. Besides wanting her to have a beautiful heart .. we wanted her to have a initial similar to us .. Your chinese name is GuoXing and mine is MiaoZhu .. therefore we wanted her to have a "M" and "X" as her initial .. it's a beautiful name for our pretty little princess..

Going to bed soon .. been turning in pretty early for the past few nights .. 2 more days to my off day .. a 14hour full shift tomorrow and 12 hour full shift on Monday .. I will be off on tues and will be having 2 lessons (4 hours) of driving .. seems that i won't be seeing Bella for the next 2 days due to my full shift .. I will miss her .. and still .. miss u so very much ..

The verdict

Dear lao gong

The verdict is out today after i attended court. Your death was classified as MISADVENTURE , which means accident , by the judge. First time attending court , pretty much the same as what it is on tv serials... which the judge sitting high up, inspector reading out the report to the judge and someone to query the inspector on the points which were unclear .. After everything was done , the judge asked me whether do i have any questions to ask the inspector before the final verdict was out. The report was very clear .. no questions asked.. Therefore, the final verdict was misadventure.

I've read through the reports done by the inspector. All the information are in. Who u've met, where u have been and what u've done .. report also include blood test , cause of death and the first doctor that pronounced your death in the hospital. 

Accident happened at 4am .. A Bangladeshi witnessed the accident from far. He saw u riding fast, mounted onto the side kerb , hit the tree , fly up and landed on the pavement. He didn't called the police immediately cos' he was in the state of shock. A taxi driver passed by and called the police immediately. Ambulance came in less than 10 mins .. when the paramedic attended to u , there where no breathing and no heartbeat. They tried CPR on u , but still no reaction. Thereafter , they brought u to changi hospital .. after trying many times of CPR , still no reaction, therefore, u r pronounced dead. This means that u have already passed away the moment u landed on the ground ..

The inspector showed me photos that he has taken at the scene after u were brought to the hospital .. Pretty scary pictures.. I saw ur bike very badly damaged. The front part of your bike were all crushed .. no handles , no mirrors , no speedometer , no headlight .. There's a crack on the helmet , visor gone , blood stain inside the helmet .. (this is the helmet which i wore when u fetched me) .. Pool of blood on the pavement which i believe was from your head .. U've lost a lot of blood and it spreaded on the whole pavement .. I felt a deep heartache when i saw these pictures .. I've tried to hold back my tears ..

Blood test reports and urine test reports showed that u've drank quite a lot .. According to your friends, u have ordered 2 towers of beer .. Reports showed that u've exceeded 2 times the limit as compared to the normal and safe level .. This also means that u were drunk driving .. Don't u know that it's dangerous to drink and drive .. Moreover , u r not driving anymore .. u r riding .. and it is many times more dangerous than anything else !!

After attending court, i went to work .. Brought a heavy heart to work cos' my mood was really not good. I was so afraid that i will lose control of my emotions and cry in the office .. Luckily i've managed to hide my feelings and work as normal .. Don't really want to cry and scare all the staff at the branch ..

Many people really don't understand why did u ride while u r drunk.. They've said that u r happily married and have a cute baby .. why didn't u cherish ur live more and give happiness to your family ?.. I guess it's just a moment of folly .. u didn't expect this accident to be a irreversible lesson to learn .. U have indeed paid a big price for ur mistake .. I don't blame u cos' all of us don't expect this unfortunate things to happen ... I just feel so sad that u r not around anymore ..