I am not that strong after all

Dear lao gong

Everybody ask me to be strong. To be strong for myself and for the sake of Bella. I've been trying very hard, putting in all my best. Do u know that it's really very tough? I think of u everyday, the thoughts always make me cry. To put up a strong front isn't easy. I have to hide my tears and feelings and have to pretend that i'm alright in front of everyone is not simple. I do not want people to get worried for me, i want them to know that i am getting better, i don't want to seek attention neither do i want people to pity me. I know i'm not that strong after all. Sometimes it's just so difficult, i still broke down and cry..

Everyday when i sleep, i feel so lonely. Before u were gone, we always chat on the bed before we sleep. It has become a habit to us. We will discuss matters, joke and gossip about anything. Since u were gone, i feel that the bed is so empty without u. It's so difficult to get to sleep no matter how tired i felt, i'm not sure why, maybe i'm not used to sleeping without u by my side.

I can feel your sadness. I know u r crying too. I know u don't want to leave us. I know that u won't let go of us. I know that u love us with all your heart. I know that u know u left us because u don't have a choice as it's all fated. I am not blaming u for leaving so soon. I know tat have no choice too but to accept that this is our destiny. I am crying now cos' it really hurts so bad. Can u feel how much i miss u ?

I woke up this morning, feeling unwell. I had diarrhoea and vomited many times. I guess it's food poisoning. I still remember how u took care of me when i had kidney infection last year. U took time off to visit me, buy food for me, feed me and make sure i have enough rest so that i will get well soon. I know u were very worried when i had kidney infection and so afraid that something bad will happen to me. When the lab test report is out, u were so happy that it is only an infection and nothing more than that. When i felt unwell just now, i really want u to come back to take care of me. I know u won't come back and it's not possible for u to come back to me. I'm so sad.. Please don't get worried for me.. I'm feeling much better now, only a little weak. I will be alright. I didn't bring Bella back home to mother cos' i'm not feeling well today. I'm sorry. But i will bring her back tomorrow.. I know mother wants to see her very much.

Lao gong, i want u to know that our family will never be complete without u. Bella miss her daddy.. and i miss u ..