rainy gloomy day

Dear lao gong

It has been raining for 2 days .. seems like free flow of water from up above .. Hope water doesn't goes right in to your grave .. so cold these 2 days .. How i wished u were around to tug under the blanket tightly.. need your warmth desperately.. where r u ?

Bella is getting better. Brought her to KK hospital A&E for checkup cos' she doesn't seems to get any better after 3 visits to the GP. Been sleep deprived cos' she's not well and keep waking up in the middle of the night crying.. Last 2 nights she has plenty of rest. Been giving her lots of water so that she won't dehydrate. Today she is much better. Able to laugh loudly when i played with her..

My off day today .. thought i could have a good rest as i've finished my driving lessons. My driving test date will me on 7th March.. wish me luck my dear .. i really need plenty of that. Though is my off day, i woke up very early in the morning to take care of Bella so that aunt can go to the supermarkets to stock up chinese new year stuff.. We are ready to welcome the year of Rabbit.. Tiger is going off soon. I really hope the rabbit year will be much better for me. I know it will never be perfect without u .. but as i always say .. what can i do ? i don't have any choice...

Went to the cemetery to visit u this morning after more than a month !!! so sorry my dear for not visiting as i was real busy .. i know u will understand. U r always a very understanding person .. and from up in heaven , u can see all our activities. Brought some new flowers to arrange at your place and i've thrown some discoloured ones. I've also cleaned up your place and polished your photo. U r ready to welcome the new year too .. After CNY i will go shop for some stuff to decorate your place.. i will also put up some photos of us on your grave. This morning i've saw one of your neighbour , a 20 year old boy's grave carved in a shape of a ship. It was so nicely decorated with beautiful flowers and his favourite toys. His family went to print his photos on tiles and stick it onto his tombstone. I will source out for shops who do these tiles and stick it on yours too ..

In the afternoon , your colleagues (chief clerk Sally , your direct boss Chris and colonel) came to visit me .. Very nice of them to arrange a time out of their busy schedule to visit us and asked me how am i doing. I really appreciate their kindess.. It's really so nice to have good colleagues like them.. But too bad u r not around to work together with them anymore. To them, it's really a big loss to lose u in this mishap.

Wednesday will be the eve of chinese new year .. still remember last year u joined my family for a nice steamboat dinner at my place.. u've bought bah kwa and dried mushrooms for my family too .. Our family had early reunion dinner this year and i will be going to mother's place for dinner on wednesday. We had our dinner on saturday evening, Though it should be a happy ocassion. I felt extremely sad without u sitting next to me, scooping food for me and helping me to shell prawns. I know i will be sad in every ocassions. Wednesday i will be working till 6pm , after work i will rush to mother's place for dinner .. i guess it will be a sad sad affair for all of us.. First brother will be doing the cooking..

My dear .. here's pictures for u .. our precious little one .. turning 6 months on the eve of CNY

Trying out the new headband aunt bought for her

Just dressed up .. going over to mother's place on sunday

Bella recovering from her diarohea .. getting thinner .. our poor baby

Bella watching soccer match !!

Baby Bella is sick

Dear lao gong

i've fully recovered .. appetite is still not that good though ... but the bad news is .. Bella has got my stomach flu virus.. She has diarrhoea for 4 days .. Brought her to the doctor for 3 times as the medication doesn't seem to work on her .. our poor baby .. my heart breaks when i see her this way ..

This morning when i brought her to the doctor, she said that Bella is teething. Her lower gum is swollen . Usually babies will have diarrhoea for about 3 days when they're teething. And her stomach flu make it worse.. She doesn't have appetite too as there is a lot of wind in her stomach.

Aunt and I are still monitoring her situation .. If it doesn't get better tomorrow, i will bring her to KK hospital for a detail check as the GP might not be experienced enough in checking babies. Luckily Bella still drinks water.. i was so afraid that she might get dehydrated ..

Very tired this few days as Bella keeps waking up in the middle of the night cos' she was feeling unwell. This afternoon went for my last driving lesson.. finally completed !! can book for my driving test ... my instructor was very nice.. he advised me to book for a few revision lessons just a week before my test so that i can remember the things that i've learnt instead of having revisions weekly. He said by doing this can save money and time .. I shall heed his advise..

I really need u to be around for Bella .. feeling so tired to take care of her. How i wished u were around to share some burden. SIGH !

road to recovery

Dear lao gong

I'm finally recovering ... after 8 days of non stop diarrhoea. I've finished my medication on friday and yet still running to the toilets, therefore i went to see doctor again yesterday. She gave me stronger types of medication. Works pretty fast, no more toilets in the evening .. finally out from hell.. haven't been eating for the past few days as i felt very bloated and no hunger pangs at all .. CNY is coming close.. hope i can get well soon ..

Off day today and tomorrow. Finally can get some proper rest. Brought Bella to mother's place this morning. Mother misses Bella a lot as i've been working for the past 2 sundays and haven't been  visiting her. Mother was sick too . She has cough and flu but she's recovering now.. She wore a mask when she played with Bella but did not carry her as she doesn't want to pass her virus to her. Next visit will be on first day of CNY as i've got to work for the next few sundays...

On new year eve, i'll be working till 6pm .. after work, i will be going back to mother's place for reunion dinner with the family. Everybody will be at mother's place for dinner. Big brother will be doing the cooking for all of us.. It will be the first time for our family to have reunion dinner without u around. I guess it will be sad for all of us .. Everybody misses u .

Yesterday after work, i went downstairs to buy dinner. I passed by Sheng Siong supermarket. There were loads of CNY goodies and they have taken up all the empty spaces that they can around the supermarket. Suddenly, i think of u . Still remember last year we were shopping for CNY goodies at the supermarket for our home .. We were still laughing and making fun of the new year songs that they've played. One year has gone.. how time flies.. and u r not around anymore.

Next week i will be making a trip down to CCK cemetery to pay u a visit and to clean up your tombstone. So sorry that i haven't been visiting u as i was busy with work, driving and taking care of our baby. I hope u will understand. Since CNY is coming soon, i will go there to polish up your place for the new year.. I know u've missed me.

Everyone has been consoling me telling me that you will be in heaven looking over us .. well, it is true? No one has the answer until one really passes on. I wish u will be looking out for us too.. making sure that Bella is safe and healthy.. Many people around me have learnt to move on without u in their lives. It seems like i still have the difficulty doing so. Though at times i may still behave back to my happy-go-lucky self.. but in my heart i still feel the very bad pain without u. I know it's uncurable.. but still, i don't have any choice. I really wonder why God didn't give me any chance but just ONE WAY to go .. I hate this feeling and i don't want this feeling. What can i do?

still sick

Dear lao gong

Flu and fever gone .. still have bad diarrhoea .. I was off yesterday .. went to the doctor . Doctor diagnosed that i had stomach flu . Has given me 2 days of MC .. As usual , stubborn me will go to work cos' i dun want to trouble my colleague to take over my shift. Doctor said that i must avoid eating fruits, vegetables, oily food, spicy food and milk product.. really hope i can get well soon after all the medications given to me..

Yesterday i went for driving lesson .. 1 more lesson to go and i can book for my driving test . Hope everything goes well .. might be due to constant diarrhoea that makes my legs weak ... couldn't really control my clutch well yesterday.. my instructor was really understanding .. 

Appetite was really bad.. Don't feel like eating these few days and i've been wasting a lot of food. Didn't have dinners these 3 days as i felt really bloated. Been waking up so many times in the middle of the night just to go to the toilets.. Must be the stomach flu that is making me feel this way .. I know if u r around, u will be worried for me .. and will buy food for me and make sure i have my regular meals. Really really wish u were around. I really need u . It's so difficult to live on my own ... i'm very tired.

2 nights ago... I dreamt that i died in a car crash .. someone was the driver and i was sitting beside the driver.. We were travelling in very heavy rain and the condition was really bad. We can't see what's in front of us. Suddenly a big trunk skidded and the driver stepped on the brake. There was a big bike opposite , lost control of his bike , ride up the trunk and landed on our car and right on top of my head. I died on the spot.. scary dream .. it was a nightmare.. not sure what's wrong with me having strange dreams.. must have a reason somehow i guess..

Here's some pictures of our cute little baby .. she is 5 mths and 17 days old now ..

My malfunction body

Dear lao gong

Weather has not been good these few days .. Think I've catch a cold .. Having fever since Yesterday.. Been surviving on panadols .. Feeling letargic and tired . Slept for 12 hrs on Friday night , still not well ..working till 10pm on Friday , another 13 hr today & 12 hr shift on Monday before my off day on tues .. Hope I can pull through this . Don't want to take mc as I dun wan to trouble anyone to cover my shift ... I know if u r around u will surely nag at me to see a doctor and rest at home cos I only take mc when I really can't move out from my bed ..

Our little girl had her immunization on Friday . Seems like she has got good memory .. The moment I sat down in the room with the nurse preparing for injection , she cried so loud .. But she is brave , she stopped after the injection is over .. Bella is now 6.85kg and 63cm tall .. Nurse said she is growing normally juz that her head is a little big .. Next visit to polyclinic will be in may .. No injection , only routine checkup of 9th month growth development ..


Since yesterday I had bad diarrohea .. Not sure what stuff I ate .. Been running to the toilet many times in middle of the night till now .. There is still big war in my stomach .. I really hate this sickly feeling especially when I am working ..

How I Wish u were here with me ..

my strange dream

Dear lao gong

It's tuesday .. finally off day is here ... !! trying to slow the pace of my lifestyle .. last night i dream of u again .. a strange dream .. people always say there are meanings to different types of dream , but i dunno how true is that .

Last night i dreamt of u ... can't really remember much again . I only can remember that we've chatted and hugged. I was in a dark place .. with no light around .. then the next moment i was standing right in front of your grave.. u were standing beside the grave, waiting for me. I looked at u and u smiled at me .. and it just feels like u r waiting for me there for so long . cannot remember what is our conversation , all i can remember is that i felt so happy to see u and to hold u .

what does this mean ? r u telling me that i've not been visiting u for the past 2 weeks ? or r u just waiting for me at the other side of the world ?

Learning to move on

Dear lao gong

I'm back from Genting on friday night . Didn't have time to talk to u cos' i'm working for the past 2 days .. One more day of full shift for me before my off day comes on tues ... On tuesday .. i still have 4 hours of driving lessons .. Suddenly felt that my life is very hectic .. feeling so tired .. maybe i should slow down my pace.

Company trip to genting is a pretty relaxing one for me .. Didn't visit the casino though cos' gambling is not my cup of tea .. I'm just there hanging out with my colleagues and enjoyed the nice cold weather .. It's pretty cooling there at this period of time .. About 12 to 18 degrees Celsius .. free flow of air con !! u will surely love it if u r there . Basically me and my colleagues were singing songs at ktv for 2 consecutive days , drinking at night and feasting for these 3 days .. However, I'm missing Bella so much when i'm in Genting . Travelling now is so different compared to last time . In the past, i was always feeling very excited and looking forward to holiday trips.. But now, even when i'm not home for a full shift work, i will miss her. I guess next time i will bring Bella along for holidays.. I want to make her the happiest girl in this world. I really hope i can do that.

Your time has stopped moving forever .. U will never grow old .. Will be remaining at 32 yrs old .. As for me , my time continue to move without u by my side. You are always afraid of getting old and getting fat .. Now u've got your wish .. stopped growing .. How i wished i could be like u . I really want to stop getting old and stop moving on. Where is my finishing line? I really don't know. I'm still struggling and learning to move on , with close friend and buddy giving me the support. It's been so difficult. I still got to learn. But if .. one day .. i leave this world full of wrinkles and white hair .. will u still recognise me ?

My untitled post ..

Dear lao gong

Hard disk in my brain is not working .. can't think of a title to put .. anyway i shall let it be untitled post.. Today is my off day .. Went for 4 hours of driving lessons .. very tired .. cos' i slept late last night and wake up early in the morning . Progressing well on my driving lessons, just need to learn to be more confident .. I've learnt vertical parking and next lesson will be my parallel parking. Ending my subjects soon , just a few more lessons to go .. Next 3 days i will be at genting .. it's our company trip . Which also means i can't see Bella for 3 days !! I will miss her so much ..

Yesterday i worked at full shift at chinatown branch. In the past, i used to float quite frequently at chinatown. This is the place where u first pick me up from work , fetch me to work and having dinner with me after work. Most of the days u will pick me up from work at chinatown cos' u were afraid that i was too tired to take a public transport home as it's a pretty long journey. In some days, i can see that u r very tired .. but u will still make the effort to fetch me even though i assured you that i can go back on my own. I'm really glad that u've cared for me so much .. thank you for loving me and always treat me like a queen ..

Next 3 days will be a relax day for me.. I don't gamble.. so i won't be visiting the casinos there .. and for the theme park , i've finished all the games many years back , and i'm too old for that. So most of the time i will enjoy the cool air and sleep .. Hope that i can cure my very BAD dark circles below my eyes .. my poor aunt has to take care of our little baby for 3 days .. should be ok cos' she is a very experienced person. Going to bed soon .. got to wake up at 4am to pack my stuff and get ready to go .. have to reach causeway point by 6am .. Good night my dear .. miss u loads..

The New Year

Dear lao gong

Today is the 2nd day of 2011 .. It's the new year.. I really hope this year will be a much better year for me. I've really had enough of sadness during the last quarter of 2010 .. I don't wish to go through any unhappiness this year. I know many things are not within my control .. but for those controllable stuff , i will definitely make it better.

Year end party .. I went to vivocity to have a nice dinner and some good beer at Brozeit with some colleagues and friends.. good place for dinner and chill out .. after dinner, we went st james for countdown party.. managed to control the amount of alcohol i've took so that i can get a MRT home. I've been to so many countdown parties in my life , surely there won't be any taxis available after midnight .. safely reached home at 3am while my friends continue to party till dawn ..

Bella is 5 months old today .. suddenly felt that time flies by so swiftly .. I really love the little angel of ours so much ! I love the way she rubbed her eyes when she just woke up and when she is tired .. she is just so cute.. Yesterday aunt went to JB with my brother to do some shopping .. I've took over the job to take care of Bella and did some housework .. Had a pretty enjoyable day with our little baby..

Today we went over to visit mother. It's been 2 weeks since i've last visited her cos' i'm working for the past 2 sundays. I've explained to her about my job scope.. luckily she is able to understand and not being angry about it. It seems like her mood is getting a bit better. At least she won't repeat those sad things about you .. Today she cooked lots of yummy stuff .. she prepared chili crab , scrambled egg and braised pork .. I really love her food. How nice if you were around and we can enjoy the dinner together ..

Back to work tomorrow .. a week of leave passes by so quickly .. maybe i'm busy all the time that's why i felt that time flies by extremely fast. Still felt tired even though i'm not working for a week .. Anyway tomorrow i will be on full shift at the busy branch.. gonna be shacked tomorrow .. I will rest early tonight .. Happy new year my dear .. love u always !