Contradicting Life

Dear lao gong

Do u think that life is a big contradiction? I felt so contradicting .. At first , we were so happy celebrating life and when 2 weeks passed, i am mourning your death .. It isn't easy for me .. so happy at one moment and suddenly felt heartbroken on the other.. I'm sure u feel the same way too ..

My heart is dead the moment u left me .. I'm just like a walking zombie, with the responsibility to take care of Bella and make sure she grows up well.. Everything else seems not important to me anymore. I'm feeling so tired that i really want to sleep with you in the coffin forever .. I want to go to the place where u r now, free from pain and worries .. I wish i can , but i know i can't cos' i still have a big responsibility ..

I have a number of past relationships .. But u r my first true love . U r the one can gave me the feeling to spend the rest of my life with .. This kind of feeling is different from my past relationships.. U do feel the same too right? That's the reason why u asked me to marry u when we just knew each other for about 3 months.. I always thought that u r crazy to proposed to me in that short period of time. But every little things u do for me really touch my heart .. I know u loved me , more than any of your ex girlfriends .. I love u too , more than anything else.. Now u r gone , i can only hold on to the sweet memories that we've had .. My buddy said sweet memories are meant to be happy and make u laugh , but i don't feel the same . Whenever i think of the good times we had, i will feel very sad, cos' i know we don't have the chance to do that anymore ..

I went for postnatal checkup yesterday evening.. Dr Tee did the scanning for me and checked on my stitches.. he said everything is very good .. He did pap smear test and will post me the result in a month's time .. My next appointment will be next year at this time , to do a pap smear test yearly.. hope everything will be fine .. He asked me about family planning too .. I said i had no plans now , he asked me why , but i didn't tell him what happen and give him a sad look ..

I know u have a lot of things to tell me too .. But u will surely wanted to tell me Sorry .. Please don't be sorry , cos' i know u wouldn't want this to happen .. I understand .. People around me feel sad for u and me.. It's fate that is making a fool of us .

I'm not a person who is into blogs and i don't have the habit to read blogs written by others. Maybe that's not my interest.. U too, dun like to read blogs .. But i guess i have no choice but to write blogs so that i will feel better .. I may be stupid to write so many stuff here, cos' i know u won't be able to read it. I just have to, so that everytime after writing blogs, i felt much better..

Hmm.. it's TGIF .. if u r around, ur mood will be good cos' weekend is coming.. Not sure why, but i felt really sad whenever weekend is here.. I longed for u to be around to spend time with me and Bella .. I feel extremely lonely during the weekends when u were gone .. No one to talk to , no tv progammes to watch and no place to go .. Haizz... not sure how many lonely weekends i have to go through to reach my final destination ..