First love

Dear lao gong

This is a beautiful sad love song .. should be about a decade ago .. we both love this song.. Not sure whether did u watched this japanese serial 10 years ago . I've watched that .. Very sad love story , always make me weep .. This song always makes me cry whenever i am sad .. I still do cry , u always said i'm silly and too emotional .. maybe i am, a very emotional person .. I will cry whenever i think of u .. tat's y u used to call me a big time crying baby..

Last night, as usual i will look through the many pictures that we have took, i still cry.. thinking back of the happy moments that we've shared and I can never see u again really breaks my heart. My wound still hurts, not really recovering but i hope it will recover one day.

Whenever i had bad dreams, u will give me a warm tight hug in the bed .. Recently when i sleep, i always have nightmares and wake up crying .. No one to hug me tight anymore .. i really missed ur big warm hug , i always feel so safe in ur arms..

During my confinement month, we have discussed on how much ang pow money we are giving my aunt for helping me with the confinement and taking care of Bella.. We have agreed on the amount just the day before u left .. I've given her the ang pow on your behalf since u r not around anymore..

U said before, Food always make u smile .. U love to eat .. I'm not a big eater and don't really enjoy good food cos' i don't know how to appreciate food. As long as food can fill my stomach, i am contented. During the days when we are together, u always drive me around to look for good food . I really enjoy the times eating and enjoying food with u .. I can never do that with u anymore. Though i still have my friends to bring me around to eat, the feeling is just different without u around. Maybe i'm too used to eat with u and maybe u just pampered me too much ..

I used to be a party animal and i love to drink .. Still remember last time we used to party and drink on occasions. It's really fun . But i don't agree to drink and drowning to my sorrows cos' i know that doesn't help.. I'm already a mother and i shouldn't be so childish. I will still drink sometimes, but not to drink when i am sad .. i will drink when i am happy..

Time passes by much faster this week . Monday went to JB with May , Tues slack at home with Bella , Wed visit u at the cemetery , Thurs went out with some friends for lunch and dinner and today it's Friday .. I'm going back to work soon, somewhere mid november, hope that work can divert my attention away from u so that i will feel better.. Hmm.. i dreamt about u the night before and last night. But I can't remember my dream when i woke up, all i can remember is that i saw ur face..

I was filling up some forms from HDB just now with regards to our HDB flat .. I have to fill up the marital status as 'widowed'.. Sigh .. it's such a sad thing to do. We were just married 4 months ago, no chance for me to select the 'married' box, i have to go all the way down to 'widowed' .. I always love to be your "Mrs Tan" .. But now, i have to be addressed as "Mdm Cheen" .. Till now, i still feel God is so unfair .. I will still keep the flat and try my best to support Bella and our house.. I won't give up on this flat cos' i know u won't want me to. This is suppose to be our love nest. We are so happy when we gotten this flat and have make so many plans. Now, it's only me, to fulfill our dream home.

Everybody can feel my sadness and sorrow .. Everybody is worried about me too, worried that i think too much, worried that i can never stand up, worried that i can't move on .. no one can understand how painful i feel to lose u ..