It's been a month

Dear lao gong

It's a month since u've been gone.. I've been grieving for a month.. hmm.. i guess i've already lost touch of time.. The longer it is .. the more i miss u .. Do u know that besides me and Bella , u r being missed by everyone too.?? Usually people will celebrate one month anniversary .. I am too .. ur sad one month anniversary.

i can still remember clearly on this very day, 15 august 2010, when u kissed goodbye to me and left my place at 10pm. I remember very clearly the way u looked at me .. even though u have big big eyes, but the way u looked at me always make my heart melt.. U were tired even though it's a sunday as u have overnight duty the day before. I can see how tired u r, therefore i asked u to go back home earlier so that u can have a good night rest and be fresh for work on monday. I really felt heart ache to see u so tired and stressed up with work .. I've asked u to stay with me and Bella over at my place, but u insisted to go home cos' u did not bring your uniform with u. I should have insisted to let u stay, if u stayed with us, nothing would have happen. If u have stayed with us, u can help to take care of Bella and not asking your friends to go out for drinks in the middle of the night.. I wanted u to have more rest, but i guess i was wrong .. I really should have insisted u to stay on ..

16 aug 2010 morning was the worst day of my life. It is especially hurtful when I went to the mortuary to identify your body. I can still remember so clearly that u r lying motionless in the room, your eyes closed, with bandages on your head, white blanket covering  your body, some bruises on your face and your pale lips.. I really couldn't believe that the person lying there is my husband.. how can god be so cruel to u ? I broke down, i cried like i never cried before in my life.. i just couldn't control my emotions..

I've been to the accident scene twice.. Images are still fresh on my head.. The broken bark fallen off from the trunk, the pieces of damages and broken parts from the bike, the thick blood from your head left on the grass, the plastic gloves left behind.. The scene of your accident keep running through my mind. I can imagine that u were travelling in high speed, crashed onto the tree, flew out of ur bike and landed straight on your head. U must be unconscious at that moment and was struggling for your life. In the end, u gave up and left us.. tat's just too cruel.. I know u have tried your very best to survive at that point of time, I won't blame u for leaving us cos' if u have a choice, u won't ..

Yesterday May fetched me to visit u at the cemetery.. I've put more colourful plastic flowers on the grave. Hope u won't feel 'girlish' cos' your grave looked really colourful with the different colours and types of plastic flowers.. Miss P said that u can't pay u a visit today as she is busy.. she wanted me to say 'hi' to u and 'she misses u'.. I'm not really sure what kind of relationship is between u and Miss P or have u met up with her recently.. But i can tell from her messages that she is very sad to lose u..

At the moment, I won't cancel your mobile line.. cos' we still can hear your voice in your mailbox. It really means a lot to us when we are able to hear your voice.  And that is the only place we can hear from u.. Even though it's just a word from u saying "Vincent" ..

I was wondering .. when Bella grows up and asks me about her daddy.. what should i tell her ?? Should i tell her that daddy has gone to a far far place and will never come back? I guess she will feel very sad if her daddy is not around with her. All i can do is to show her pictures of u and tell her how great u were. I really hope she will understand some day and won't feel as heartbroken as how i feel now.. I am also worried that when she goes to school one day or when i bring her out, how will she feel when she sees happy families around, kids with mummy and daddy.. Will she feel unfair that she only have mummy and doesn't have a daddy?

I went to Yishun Central in the morning to pick up some stuff.. I pass by Northpoint and saw the place where u usually wait for me when u pick me up from work.. I felt so sad and cried. It just seems like yesterday when u waited for me there.. I really don't like to go out to places where we usually go.. Places like Hougang Mall, Ang Mo Kio hub and Northpoint.. Whenever i go to these places, i will think of u .. I can picture out the scenes that we talked and held hands walking in the malls.. I think i will avoid going to these places for the moment. Sweet memories of u and me really makes me so sad..

Later in the evening i will be going for my post natal checkup at AMK clinic.. Still remember when i was pregnant, u always bring me there for checkups and u r always very excited to see our baby when doctor is doing ultrasound scan .. Not sure whether i will cry later .. but i will try to hold back my tears .. Haiz..  seems like crying is my new hobby ..