Thoughts

午餐时间! 一边吃一边想了好多东西。。能吃是福。可是每次在office 我都会伤脑筋 , 不知道吃什么好。。

外表坚强的我, 应该是很脆弱吧。脑子里有很多东西想说, 可是, 不是找不到人说,就是怕麻烦到人或者让他们担心我。偶尔就会找个安静没人的地方,静静的哭。每个人都跟我说,哭过就好了。

Everyone says I am strong and I live well without u. Well.. quite true. I am still myself and as what I am in the past. But somehow a part of me 就是开心不起来。

今天就想,你已经离开了我。下一个就是爸爸了。那不是我身边的love ones 都会慢慢的离开??我真的不知道怎样accept 这些未来会发生的事情。。。

我在医院

Dear lao gong

Ended work at 3.30pm today and went to hospital to see dad. 现在就座在他旁边!

刚才走进病房,看着爸爸忧愁的脸。好伤心。爸爸又好像痩了一圈。我问爸爸吃得下吗,睡的着吗。爸爸说吃的下,可是没用,吃了还是瘦下去。爸爸说天天早上 4am 就 draw blood. After drawing blood, he cant sleep. So he went down 6am to have breakfast at canteen. 

Dad is depressed. 他很担心。。他告诉我说做化疗也没用。最候还是会死。我忽然间停了一下。。我真的不知道应该怎么回答他。我只是说,至少病情不会恶化。爸爸一直说会活不到一年。我听了,眼泪差点流下来。还好I manage to swallow it down.

爸爸在医院住了六天。一定很闷。没电视看。天天对着病房里的五个病人,几个missy小姐。。不然就是看着天花板daydream. He really wish he could discharge soon. Doctor say if his jaundice level continue to go lower and not so yellowish , he can discharge in another 4 to 5 days.  

天天没事情做。。呆呆的望着天花板。。一定会胡思乱想。我告诉自己,在怎么忙,天天都要来 hospital visit 他。要不然,以候要看见他,真的没机会了。

Dad made a fren next bed to him. A retiree uncle.  For past 4 days both of them cant sleep.  They will chat through the night and morning will go breakfast together. Today uncle discharged.  He tell me later at night no one chat with him liao. 

Dad has a colleague visiting him now while I blog. He tell him he worry the pain at the last few days of his life when 癌细胞扩散。haiz.. 我真的不知道该怎么样帮他。I feel so helpless!!!!你可以告诉我应该怎么做吗???

I really want to know .. if a person know hes dying soon. How will he feel and what will he do? I really dunno if I can take it if doctor tell me my days r numbered. 每个人都会死。。死亡真的是那么恐怖吗? 

爸爸生病了

Dear lao gong 

5th day since dad admitted himself in hospital.  After various tests, doctor confirm he is stage 3 liver cancer. No chance of cure. Survival period is an estimated one year. I have prepared myself for this news. Therefore I managed to keep my calm and did not over react when I meet doctor this afternoon.  Doctor say the best way to PROLONG his life is to do chemotherapy. 

好不容易卖了自己的屋子。。有一点点钱开始享福。。不幸的事,却发生了。dad looks sad when me and brother visited him. But trying his very best to behave normally. 爸爸做了以辈子的功。。can say hes a workaholic and a very responsible worker.  Hes 62. To many, he is too young to die. I kept my cool.. trying to talk and talk to make him happy and divert his attention. 

我问他有什么心愿为了。。我跟弟弟会尽量帮他实现。his wish is to see my brother getting married. Which he only plan in next 3 yrs. Not to be a pessimistic person but I doubt he can get to witness. .他会死不瞑目吗? 

Brother and I should be planning to bring him travelling before his last days. Well, he has work through entire life and never enjoy before. (Besides his constant drinking habit which is so called his enjoyment) . I had suggested to visit europe and to visit Liverpool and its stadium as dad is a big time Liverpool fan. Ive been there last yr. So I can be a free tour guide to him. 

可是。。为什么我们要等到and知道他的寿命不多才give him attention and bring him to see the world. 太可悲了。everyday. . We r busy with our own stuff and neglected our parents. Isnt it a bit too late? On the contrary. . At least we showed more care and concern and didn't abandon him.

Ive requested dad to stay with me when he discharged.  Since a workaholic, 他放不下工作。I will need to force him to work lesser and come home daily.  After visiting him, brother and I went to Courts to get him a nice and comfy bed for him to 修养。we will get him tv in the room too. 

好不容易慢慢的学习坚强,学习自己站起来。忽然间听了爸爸的消息,差点又崩溃了。为什么不幸和伤心的是每次都发生在我身上。难道。。。要开心真的那么难吗??