If only .. & Your Last ...

Dear lao gong

If only ..

• i know the accident will happen, i won't let u buy a bike
• u told me that u were going out to meet ur friends that night, i will stop u from going
• we have enough savings, u won't sell the car and change to a bike
• i dun have a bit of pre natal blues, i will talk to u more and have given u more attention
• i dun need to do confinement, i can keep u company everyday
• ur workload is not so heavy, u won't feel so stressed up everyday
• u can hear Bella calling 'daddy' and smile at u, u will be very happy
• u r around, we will be able to fulfill our hopes and dreams
• the accident didn't happen, we will live happily ever after
• i know y u left us so early
• u r here by my side, i wouldn't feel so sad
• i could tell u how much i love u
• u r here, Bella will have a great daddy
• time could stood still, i will hold u tight and never let u go
• i could just have one wish, i definitely would want u to be back by my side..

Your last ...

• goodbye - 15 august at 10pm when u left my house
• kiss -15 august at 10pm when u kiss me goodbye
• SMS - 15 august at 10.36pm when u text me to let me know u reached home safely
• meal together - 15 august, we had home cook meal at home for dinner
• time u see Bella - 15 august
• laugh with me - 15 august, when we gossip about some stuff
• Drink - beer
• country u've travelled to with me - Bali in May
• movie with me - Twilight Eclipse in AMK hub on july
• tv programme - channel 8's "Love"
• arugment with me - can't remember, it's been a really long time since we last quarrel
• shopping mall u went with me - Junction 8 , in july

I know my blog will make anyone sad when they read it. I want to say Sorry to those whose mood are affected by me.. I just want to write whatever i wanted to say to u .. I guess that's the only way i can do it .. I will feel a little bit better after i've written what i want to say. Tears are drying up..I think i've cried too much..  I've been cooping myself in the room since the day u left me, i only leave my room when there are visitors. As u know, i love to watch tv and like to laze in the living room. But now i dun do that anymore.. I've tried watching tv for the past few days, but nothing gets into my head.. i just stare blindly at the tv and kept on thinking about u.. I do not know when will i stop thinking about u.. maybe i will never stop..

Baby i love u

Dear lao gong

"Baby I love u" are the words that u will tell me everyday.. and everytime i will reply back saying "i love u too"... 15 august is the last time i've heard u say baby i love u .. it is the last time u hear me say i love u too ..

16 august 4.40am is the day u passed away .. At 9.30am i was at the mortuary, going to identify your body. At that moment i still refused to believe that u r gone. I was telling myself it it not true, it's not happening to me and it's just a dream. In the mortuary room, i saw u. I saw u lying unconsciously, ur eyes closed, with bandage on ur head and some bruises on ur face. Ur body was covered with a white blanket and ur lips was so pale. I can't believe what i've saw, i broke down and cry.. i couldn't stop crying, still refused to accept the fact that u r gone. U r a fine young man, with hopes and dreams for our future.. Accident occured at 4am in the morning, and within just 40mins, u left all of us.. U have lived for 32 years, a knocked on ur head separated u from all of us.. It was just too fast,, I guess ur injuries were just too serious, laceration of ur left brain and fractured skull in the caused of ur death.. I can't imagine how painful it is for u during the last 40 mins of ur life.. i've been to the accident scene, i can see still lot of dry blood clots on the grass, the place where u landed.. U've lost so much of blood.. I felt so hurt... it's just so scary.. Life is so fragile. From that day onwards, i can never hear u saying "baby i love u" anymore...

Yesterday, ur ex classmate told me that she dreamt of u the night before.. She dreamt that u told her u love to see the way i eat noodles. This was so true! i always have the habit to pull my noodles high up with my chopsticks. U said that i looked so silly eating this way. In the dream, u were eating minced pork noodles with ketchup.. this is ur all time favourite food which i always find it weird, cos' usually people will eat with chili, not ketchup. Both of us find it spooky, cos' u never told ur ex classmate that u like minced pork noodles with ketchup or told her that u love to see the way i eat noodles. U also told ur ex classmate to hug me and lend me a shoulder to cry on whenever i need it.. I will do that. Even though i've never seen her before and only chatted with her a few times on facebook, she is a nice lady, a very truthful friend. And even though u just recently gotten back in contact with her, u've told her a lot of things, I know she is a good listener, she understands u well too. She has given me a lot of support when i talked to her .. We will be meeting up on wednesday to visit u in the cemetery .. I will be bringing some plastic flowers tat my aunt bought to decorate ur place ..

Lao gong,this is the one and only picture u have taken with Bella,, I will show this pic to her when she grows up, telling her how much u love her and how great u were.. i really really wish to hear u say "baby i love u" to me one more time..i really wish to hear ur voice, hear u talking to me and hear u sing for me..but i know it's impossible now.. the truth hurts.. hurt me so badly.. i really dunno when will i be able to stand up again..

Can't stop thinking about u

Dear lao gong

I always tell myself, in order for me to stop crying, i have to stop thinking about u. Cos' whenever i think of u, tears will automatically flow down from my face. No matter how hard i control, i still cry.. Every minute, every hour, everyday i will think of u.. i will think of the fun moments we had, sweet memories we shared and how well u have treated me..

We seldom quarrel.. U told me before that u used to quarrel with ur ex gfs over very minor matters.. I told u i did tat too, in the past i used to quarrel with my ex bfs almost every week. I know that u r the right guy for me, so i've told myself to be a understanding person and minimize quarrels in our relationship. I've also tell myself that i've grown up, i shouldn't be so childish anymore.. Due to ur job scope, u r hot-tempered.. I know u tried ur best to treat me well and be a understanding person.. Lao gong, u really did it. U always talk to me in a soft tone and whenever we have disagreement, we will sit down and solve the problem. We won't shout at each other like we did in our past relationships. Ur mum is also quite surprised that u have treated me so nice and never shouted at me before cos' in the past, she always witness u quarreling with ur ex gfs and shouted at them fiercely.. u indeed have changed for me.. u knew tat i am the right person for u and u really cherished me..

U still have some clothes in my cupboard.. everyday i would open the cupboard and touch ur clothes.. I really missed u .. ur smell , ur touch , ur kiss .. things just happens too fast .. it seemed like yesterday u r standing in front of me and today u r gone ..

As usual, i still have the habit to check my hp everytime i'm free.. usually when u have the time, u will send me sms or mms .. when i'm free i will do tat too.. u always said i'm a workaholic.. whenever i'm at work, i will totally ignore u. I didn't mean to do that on purpose, due to my job scope, i need to do tat, really hope u can understand this. U r always worried for me tat i overworked and did not take my meals.. therefore u always sms me to remind me to eat first before i work. But now, i always stare at my hp, waiting for u to send me these smses, even though i know i will never receive them again. I feel so empty .. No one can help me, except u.. i really miss ur sweet lovely smses.. u never failed to call me lao po, dear or darling in all ur smses .. that was really sweet. Everyday , when i got the time after taking care of Bella, i will open my inbox in my handphone and read through all the smses u have sent me from day one that we met till the last sms u've sent me on 15 august.. loads of memories flash through my mind everytime i read them. Memories through our courtship, relationship and then marriage.. though it's only a short 15 months, all these memories will be kept in my heart...
My buddy, Henry, and my good friend Alvin are planning to bring me to Bangkok in october for a short trip to help me relax my mind before i go back to work. They knew that i wanted a holiday badly to relax after i give birth. Still remember 3 weeks ago we are still discussing whether we should go Taiwan or Bangkok in December when u clear ur leave, I was so excited cos' i'm really desperate for a holiday trip with u so that we can spend some quality time together .. Going holiday with Henry and Alvin every year is fun too .. but the feeling is different if i go on a trip with u .. should i go ? will my mood really gets better after the trip ?

Here's bella.. 27days old .. isn't she cute? really wished that u could see how cute she is .. I know u really wish to touch her, kiss her, carry her and talk to her.. Bella misses her daddy so much..

monday blues

Dear lao gong

It's monday, u always hate monday cos' it's starting of the work week .. it's been 2 weeks since u left us .. this week should be a relaxing work week for u cos' YOG has ended.. I'm sure u will take time off to spend time with us cos' it's been 2 long months of hard work doing the YOG stuff.. I know u feel very exhausted and totally drained off from work cos' due to ur busy schedules, u r not able to sleep and eat properly.. Its been really long since we last have a romantic dinner and watch a movie together.. In the past, we will often go for movies and good food.. I know i don't have the chance to do that with u anymore. The times we've shared is just too short.. i can only keep these memories in my heart..

Still remember the first time u came to pick me up with ur bike, it was about 3 months ago.. I did told u that i've never sit on a bike before.. I was very excited yet nervous when i sat behind u and i grabbed u so tightly. U asked me to relaxed and just follow ur movement when u turn.. It was a good experience, as i was pregnant, I was only able to sit on ur bike for 3 times cos' ur mum said it's too dangerous as my stomach is getting bigger.. i started to love bike, u said that after my confinement, u will bring me out at night for suppers and just to enjoy the cold wind ..

When u first started riding bike in May , u were so not used to it. i remembered u always complain to me saying that riding a bike was very tiring cos' u were too used to driving a car.. everyday i was worried for u and i felt very heart pain when u suffer on the roads.. i worry that it might rain and worry that the sun is too hot and worry about your safety on the roads.. U said that by the end of the year u will get another smaller car when the COE drops cos' u dun wan me to worry so much for u .. with a car we can bring bella for some outdoor activities,, i can imagine how fun it would be..

Yesterday lots of people came by to visit me ... my singapore pools colleagues and ex colleagues from goldenvillage .. they bought some gifts for Bella .. Bella is really lucky, so many people bought her new clothes.. she now has many pretty clothings to wear.. everyone said that she is very cute, i believe that she will grow up to be a pretty lady .. Like u always said, our baby is the cutest.. my frens keep me company for the whole day .. really nice of them to spend the sunday with me..  thank you everyone!

My buddy, Henry, has hired a malay lady to do massage for me... he said that this will be a belated birthday gift for me..  it is a 3 day massage, to remove the 'wind' in my body after i give birth.."thank u buddy".. when u were around, i did mention to u before that i wanted to do this massage, so that i can re-gain back my figure faster.. u said ok and asked me to go ahead.. Yesterday is the first session, she came to my house to do the massage for me. She is a very nice lady, her name is Aishah .. I've told her wat happened to u and she felt so sad .. but throughout the massage she kept on comforting me.. she said that all good people will go up to heaven earlier .. this is true, u r indeed a very good man.. She said that ur soul will still be around, coming back to see us cos' u just passed away not long ago.. Aishah asked me not to cry so much too, cos' u wouldn't want to see me so sad.. I know u will feel sad whenever i cry .. but sometimes it's just so difficult to control my tears.. She will pray for u and me..

Last night, i received a facebook message from a pretty lady (a friend that u've made in DXO). She read my blog and felt bad. Cos' previously i've mentioned in my blog that u've sent messages to people in facebook.. She explained to me that after u've gotten her number, u didn't contact her at all..  I admit that i do felt a bit angry for about an hour after i read ur facebook messages with her, but after thinking through, i've decided to forgive u.. i know u r just playful and won't do anything to hurt me, cos' u still love me the most.. She told me that she is now going through a breakup, hope she will get over it soon and will find a better guy. I believe mutual trust is very important in marriage, that is y i dun call u or pester u when u go out with ur friends.. I want u to still enjoy the same freedom as u have before we were married.. I really dun wan to tie u down and make u lose all ur friends after marriage cos' friends are equally important...

I've decided to forgive u..  forgive ur late nights, forgive ur drinking sessions, forgive ur playfulness, forgive u hanging out with friends without informing me, forgive everything that u've done.. Not because u r no longer here with me. I forgive u because i love u.. I know u won't do anything to hurt me.. u just don't want me to be worried for u .. I know u have problems sometimes, but u wouldn't want to share with me, so u will find ur good friends to chat. I don't blame u, cos' i understand that sometimes it is difficult to talk to our love ones when we have problems.. sometimes good friends can provide listening ear and give good advises..

I will pray for u . Pray that u r safe in heaven .. I believe tat u will be up there watching us .. I will take good care of our baby Bella .. she is a gift from heaven.. Vincent Tan Kok Heng, u r the love of my life, no one can ever replace u in my heart, i will keep the love tat u gave me safe in my heart. U will forever be in my heart, till the day i die ..

十万个为什麼..

Dear lao gong

十万个为什麼 ! tat's what u used to call me .. u even set this song as ur ringtone when i call u .. I know i love to ask many many questions .. tat's y u call me 'a thousand whys' .. sometimes i ask too silly questions until u really dunno wat to say .. tat's y u always call me silly girl .. i know u just love my silliness .. I really want to know why u left me so early? can someone pls tell me the answer ..

yesterday morning, i met mother at home and I went to the bank to open joint account with bella .. mother told me that before bella was born, she had a bad dream. She dreamt that a baby was lost somewhere, with many wolves surrounding her.. she was so afraid that the baby might be Bella.. so she asked me to be extra careful when i'm outside, cos' bella already lost her daddy, she can't lose her mummy too.. Mother was so afraid that u might take me away.. I was really not sure how to reply her.. cos' i really want to see u and i really dun wished to leave Bella here .. it's was really very contradicting..

A lot of images flashes on my mind when i went out yesterday .. i've passed by so many places that we used to go and u used to drive me around... especially the road where u usually drive me back home .. from ur place, to sengkang, to TPE, to SLE then back to my place.. suddenly i felt so lonely to travel alone without u..

Before i was pregnant, we always hang out in pubs and clubs to chill out during the weekends.. but after i was pregnant, most of the time we stay at home.. Home is our favourite hangout place.. U know tat i'm a person who can't stay at a place for long, sometime u will bring me to Hougang mall for walks.. even though it's always the same place, but i dun mind.. i dun mind going anywhere with u ..

I know u dun like to go to town areas, cos' u always said it's very difficult to find parking lots and it's so crowded.. therefore, we have never been to orchard road, marina square or vivocity together.. When we have time during our off days, we will always go for movies.. Usually we will go to Downtown East or Ang mo kio hub for movies cos' u prefer cathay cinemas.. Your favourite movies are horrors show, but i really dun like horror shows cos' i'm a scaredy cat.. but i still watch these movies with u, with my eyes closed. I missed the times when we go for movies during our off days.. I guess i won't be able to do that anymore.. There are so many good movies like Step Up3 and resident evil coming up.. if only u r around, we can watch it together.. Our last movie that we watched in july before i give birth was Twilight Eclipse.. u complained tat this movie is super boring. I agree.. but i still enjoy sitting together with u in the cinema eating popcorns even though the movie sucks.

Mother called me last night, said that she wanted to throw away our hamster .. I've managed to talk to her and asked her not to .. cos' that hamster is our pet that we adopt.. Don't worry, i'll make sure i keep the hamster safe.. cos' i know u liked that hamster a lot.. everytime after work if u have the time, u will play with him .. Hamster is the first pet that we adopt.. cos' we wanted to try out whether we can take care of the small pet before we can keep a dog.. Yup indeed we are able to take care without anyone's help. haizz.. our wish of keeping a dog could not come true anymore..

Bella is 27 days old today .. growing so healthily ... she has grow very fast .. from 47cm long to about 54cm long .. if only u can see and carry her now.

It's  going to be 2 weeks since u've been gone.. i'm still struggling.. trying my best to survive through this hardship. It's really not easy .. the feeling is just like drowning in the deep ocean, waiting for u to come and save me.. I really need a float to survive.. no one can help me.. how i wish u were around to help me..

a little black moth

Dear lao gong
Chinese always believe that if a person passed away, they will transform into some kind of insect to come back to  see their love ones.. Yesterday at about 10pm, while Bella is crying very loudly, suddenly i found a little black moth in my room.. The moth is moving around slowly in the room and climb up the wall.. my aunt tried to blow the moth away but it refused to move and stood stationary on the floor. I believe that u r came back to see us.. at about 12am, the moth went missing.. seems like just vanished into thin air..

Last night, Bella refused to sleep .. she kept crying so loudly that i nearly break down.. i've tried all means to stop her from crying, but she just refused to .. maybe she felt ur presence and crying out loud cos' she dun wan u toI leave us..

Still remember that we've promised to stay with each other till death do us apart. I told u before that i was so afraid of people that i loved leaving me.. be it my mum, dad, aunt, ur mum, my frens or anyone.. U comforted me and said that u will always be on my side no matter wat.. u said that our parents will be getting older and will pass away someday.. u said tat u won't leave me alone here cos' without my parents, i still have u around. I was also worried one day Bella will grow up, get married,  have her own life and won't be staying with us.. however u said that one day our children will leave us when they grow up, they should have their own life.. u told me not to worry cos' i still have u to grow old with.. U promised me to stay with me when our parents or children leave us one day,  but that will not be true anymore.. I will grow old alone.. with no one by my side.. i was so afraid of loneliness.. y did u break ur promise and leave me so soon?? it is really not fair ..

Your Favourite day of the week

Dear lao gong

It's saturday .. supposed to be ur favourite day of the week.. I guess if u were still around, this week will be a super happy weekend for u .. Cos' YOG has ended, u would have a lot more time to keep us company and enjoy and weekend .. You won't need to work from morning to night and not have enough rest. It's really a pity. Still remember if i'm not working on saturdays, we were laze in the bed.. watching tv.. talking nonsense.. they were really sweet memories .. even though we seldom go out on weekends, i will feel contented just to spend time with u.

Throughout the 15 months that we've been together, i've known u and understand u very well .. though many of them say it's just a short period of time, but the moment we've spent together were really precious .. You have some habits which i loved and of cos' some which i dun really like. I've told u to change ur bad habits.. i know u r trying hard ..

U always like to sleep with ur contact lenses on .. Before we go to bed, i always tell u to remove them cos' it's not good for the eyes .. I really dun wan u to go blind before u become a old man ..
Sometimes u r lazy to bathe and brush ur teeth before u go to bed .. I want u to be cleaned before u go to bed so that u can have a good night sleep..
U smoke too much. I always told u to quit smoking.. cos' i really dun wan u to die before me..
During occasions, u drank too much .. i know u can hold ur liquor well .. but i really wouldn't want u to have hangover the next day ..
Sometimes u make a promise but u broke it .. it's really ok .. i can understand ..
U snored so loud in some nights tat i can't get to sleep .. i really dun mind, i know u r tired after work .. cos' i can watch u sleep .. and in the morning .. it's ur turn to watch me sleep.
Ur left leg is always painful.. I always nag at u asking u to see doctor .. but u always said nvm .. sorry tat i always nag regarding this issue , cos' i dun wan to see u  suffer everyday.

I know i'm not perfect too .. but thank u lao gong for being so patient with me .. i know i'm hot tempered, stubborn and ridiculous sometimes .. thanks for ur endurance and ur guidance in teaching me how to be a better girlfriend, wife and a mum .. u really make me change a lot , change for the better ..

Beautiful people

Dear lao gong

There are so many beautiful people around me.. i guess at this point of time, i am the hot topic to everybody.. A lot of people care for me, keep me company, talk to me and sent me gifts.. I'm really grateful.. Cos' without time, i won't be sitting in my room and writing this blog now.. Now i really know the importance of love from friends and families ..

This afternoon, the father of the Church of Singapore, together with the sister, came by to visit me.. They are really nice .. they talked to me and pray for u and me .. He told me that we are just apart for the time being, when the time comes, i will go up there in heaven to meet u there.. u will be waiting there for me .. i really hope so .. He told me it's ok to grief and be sad at this point of time. He asked me to cry out loud so tat i will feel better. He told me i have to move on after a period of time.. I will try ..

I've received a lovely letter from my good pal, Joanne whom u know, this afternoon .. This letter was very touching and meaningful .. though she was not with me , she felt for me .. Here's some of the contents in the letter:

"Death is a sad an tragic affair
Even when it is long anticipated
But no death is as hard on the living
As the unexpected death of a loved one

Death does not always come with warning
With time to say the sad farewells
Sometimes it comes, unannounced
With no time for even a brief goodbye

There are the saddest of times
When death takes one to dear to us
Without warning, unexpected
And in our grief, we bid our sad farewell"

"Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed and very dear"

"I know it is difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
but looking back in memory may help comfort you tomorrow.
Hold tight to memories for comfort,
lean on your friends for strength,
and always remember how much you cared about,
May your memories give u strength"

Beautiful words.. really touched my heart ..

However, life is becoming so routine without u by my side .. everyday i wake up, eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and rake care of Bella then sleep. In the past, with u around, i always looked forward to meet u... it's so different everyday with u around .. we laughed , we joked , we shared our views , we have hopes , we have dreams .. ya it's true tat i have to accept this reality and to move forward .. still unable to move , stucked here .. in this dark room .. with a glimpse of hope ..

I dream of u ..

Dear lao gong

Last night, i dream of u .. I saw u dressing up so smartly preparing to leave the house .. I've asked u where u are going , u said that u r going somewhere, but u will be back. I asked u when will u be back, but u never gave an answer, u said u will call me when u get there .. I sent u off .. Before we parted, u give me a warm and tight hug.. so tight that it seems like the last hug u will give me.. U said goodbye to me and u left.. It was so real, ur beautiful eyes, ur nose, ur lips and ur touch .. When i tried to call u back, u never answer my call..

Suddenly i woke up.. feeling so heartbroken .. i broke down and cry ..

100 things that u love..

Dear Lao gong

here's the 100 things that u love:

1. our beautiful baby Bella
2. me
3. ur family
4. urself
5. ur Iphone
6. our hamster
7. our bed
8. sleeping
9. spending time with me
10. bathing with me
11. cars
12. motorbikes
13. ur job
14. making funny faces
15. doing funny moves
16. watching movies with me
17. food (ban mee, carrot cake, minced pork noodles)
18. colas
19. making love
20. watching tv with me
21. me massaging u
22. hanging out with good friends
23. singing in ktv
24. admiring urself in the mirror
25. going holiday trips with me
26. smoking
27. plucking ur toe nails
28. green and orange colours
29. pretty girls
30. kissing me
31. hugging me
32. talking to me
33. smelling me
34. making me laugh
35. act cute
36. do 'pervertic' actions
37. pick me up after work
38. dancing
39. ur laptop
40. nice beach resorts
41. air-con
42. slacking at home
43. visit Grand Canyon
44. the movie "Ip man"
45. me in pyjamas
46. jogging
47. eating cheesecakes with me
48. watching soccer matches
49. squeeze black heads for me 
50. buying food for me
51. playing computer games
52. adventures
53. taking afternoon naps
54. building our happy family
55. dogs
56. protect me
57. giving me good advices
58. get jealous when guys message me
59. me to scrub your back when u bathe
60. bring me out for walks
61. window shopping with me
62. look at me acting silly
63. look at my photos
64. give me ur assurance
65. prepare breakfast and dinners for me
66. take time off to keep me company
67. play Iphone games
68. listen to music
69. save money for rainy days
70. shelter me
71. home cook meals
72. provide me with the best that u can give
73. act fierce sometimes
74. tell the world that u loved me
75. send me sweet messages
76. make me happy when i'm down
77. telling 'cold' jokes
78. ur 'or-biang' bag
79. singing songs for me
80. taking care of me
81. eating japanese food
82. supermarkets
83. driving me out in the middle of the night to nowhere
84. pubbing and clubbing
85. me giving u attention
86. me to sayang u
87. spend the rest of ur life with me
88. being on time
89. finding ways to save money and to earn more money
90. chilling out with me
91. putting on perfume
92. reading information on gadgets
93. be a superdad
94. me to disturb u
95. make sure i'm safe
96. me caring for u
97. rainy days
98. the weekends
99. scratching ur head
100. me .. to be ur lovely wife

Death ..

Dear Lao gong

Now i know that death is not scary at all ...

Losing someone u love is so scary .. it is the scariest thing in the world... it's so scary till no matter where u hide, u still can't avoid it .. I believe u feel the same way too .. To leave me and Bella here, is not a choice that u've made.. I've lost someone whom can't be replaced .. Y did u leave so soon ? Home sweet home .. we will always be here .. waiting for u .

U always know i mean no harm by nagging at u to stop smoking and stop drinking colas.. U know that all these will be bad for ur health.. I know u heard my words, i can see u making an effort to put a stop to all these unhealthy stuff too.. cos' u want to live longer.. 80 .. 90 years old .. to see our baby grow up and to keep me company when we are old ..

Many friends and families stood by me through this hard times.. they gave me lots of support, keep me company , care for me , encourage me ... but .. if only u were around , nothing beats that .. one word from u really beat a million words that they say .. but i really got to thank all of them , without them , i wouldn't have survived and i wouldn't know wat will i do .. they feel heartbroken for me too .. they cried with me .. i really dun want them to worry for me.. i will try my best to put up a strong front ..

"Daddy" will be the first word that i will teach Bella .. I know u will be the happiest daddy in the world .. I talked to Bella everyday .. she is growing up healthily and will be one month old soon next week .. i know if u were still around, u will definitely be happy ..

Superdad ! is what u r in my heart .. i won't forget the first time in the hospital .. the way u look at Bella .. how u fed Bella and how u carry her .. U said to me, no matter how stressful and tired your work is, u always look forward to coming home. Ur stress and worries will go away when u see me and Bella at home.. Lao gong, u have grown up.. from a playful boy to a superdad .. I made the right choice .. u r indeed the best hubby ..

will u wait for me

I need to talk with you again,

Why did you go away,

All our time together, just feels like yesterday,

I never thought I'd see,

A single day without you,

The things we take for granted we can sometimes lose.

And if I promise not to feel this pain,

Will I see you again,

Will I see you again...



Cause time will pass me by

Maybe I'll never learn to smile,

But I know I'll make it through,

If you wait for me.

And all the tears I cry,

No matter how I try.

They'll never bring you home to me,

Won't you wait for me in heaven.



Do you remember how it was,

When we never seemed to care.

The days went by so quickly,

Cos I thought you'd always be there.

And it's hard to let you go,

Though I know that I must try.

I feel like I've been cheated,

Cos we never said goodbye.

And if I promise not to feel this pain,

Will I see you again

Will I see you again...



Cause time will pass me by

Maybe I'll never learn to smile

But I'll know I'll make through

If you wait for me

And all the tears I cry

No matter how I try

They'll never bring you home to me

Won't you wait for me

In heaven...



Cause I miss you so

And I need to know

Will you wait for me.

Well respected CSM

Dear lao gong

Encik ! is wat ur men called u .. U r a well repected master sergeant in camp .. U take pride in your work and u r a very responsible person. A lot of ur colleagues told me that u r very hardworking and cooperate well with them. I don't deny that. Cos' whenever u r with me, u were always worried with things in the camp and will call them to make sure everything is ok. I know it's not easy to be a CSM, u need to take care of more than 100 people in the camp.. i can always feel how stressful u r everyday after work when u came back home.. Sometimes u would tell me ur problems, even though i can't help u much, but i will always be a good listener to u .. I will always try my best to make u feel better after work by giving u good massage and tell u jokes which sometimes u think is not funny at all ..

I know u love ur job a lot .. u always put in 100% to ur work ..  u wanted to put in ur best effort in this job so that u will get promoted faster .. sometimes i would complain to u when u spend too much time at work .. whenever u hear my complaints, u will find time to get off days just to accompany me. I know how good u've treated me.

As u r assigned to some duties for YOG, for the past 2 months,  u have been very busy at work. U always apologised to me for not spending time with me due to ur tight schedule. I understand that. U promised that after the YOG ends, u will have more time to spend with me and u r looking forward to that. Today is the last day of YOG .. it is supposed to be a happy day for u .. but now, it doesn't matter anymore.. I know tat u r really tired everyday due to the YOG stuff ..  everyday u went to work early in the morning and reached home past midnight. sometimes, u have to stay over there to do duties .. it was really hard for u .. i know u r so tired that u really hoped to take a break after the YOG .. looking at u so tired everyday, i felt so helpless.. i really wished that i could help ...

Lao gong, do u know that u always look so good in uniform ??  i didn't tell u tat .. but it is the truth ...

My heart has stopped beating since the day u left me .. But i still got to breath .. cos' i still have Bella .. i am still struggling hard .. My world is in complete darkness without u . I am so afraid of the dark .. only u can light up the way for me .. but u r gone .. gone forever and not coming back to me anymore ..

Your military burial was really a great one .. all your colleagues came to walk the final journey with u .. Loads of tears were shed .. You r indeed a great soldier, a well respected CSM.

天天想你

Dear lao gong

i missed u every second . this is the picture on our wedding during the tea ceremony with ur mum. I can see how happy u were when we got married. still remember last year October how u proposed to me. U didn't prepare a ring nor kneel down to proposed to me like wat usually the movies did. U just ask me a simple question "can we go to HDB to apply a flat together?" I know u r a straight forward person and a simple guy. Though without a ring, i still accept ur proposal cos' i can see how sincere u r and can feel how much u love me..

During the preparation of our wedding, we have been through a lot of obstacles. But eventually we managed to work it out and our wedding ceremony was done very smoothly.. U were so happy when everything is finally over and we are husband and wife on May 2nd 2010. U told me that this is the happiest moment of ur life and u will cherish me and love me forever. After the wedding, we are so looking forward to the arrival of our baby Bella. everyday u will be worried for me as u r so afraid that i overworked and skipped my meals. U always text me and call me to make sure i'm fiine. Baby bella is a very active baby, she often kick me hard in the stomach. U will always tell Bella not to kick me so hard and be a good girl.. U knew tat i had pregnancy blues, therefore u will try many ways to make me laugh and make me feel better. I really missed  the time when u make funny faces and do the funny actions. I will always remember that. Thank u lao gong. U r the best hubby in the world.

Even though u have a very bad temper, but u never shout at me before.. Your mum told me that in the past, u often had quarrels with ur ex gfs and shouted at them so loudly. She was too, surprised that u didn't shout at me once. Your mum said tat u've told her that i'm a very understanding and reasonable person, though very stubborn. U also told ur mum that i always listens to u and respects u a lot. U will never find another person like me in the world again. Therefore u've told ur mum i am the right girl for u whom u want to spend the rest of your life with.

I know sometimes i'm very unreasonable and make u angry.. U always said i have da xiao jie temper and wanted me to change. But whenever i was unreasonable with u, u r not angry. U always talked to me nicely and make me calm down. Ur actions were really sweet and that really makes me want to change for the better. And i did promised u that i will change.. i'm trying my very best to do it.

Taking care of Bella really isn't easy without u. Still remember 2 weeks ago when we take turns to take care of her. Sometimes when bella cough or sneeze, i was so worried for her. Really wished that u r beside me, i won't be afraid if u r around. Parenthood is really wonderful.. giving birth is really wonderful too.. How amazing life is .. I'm so sad that we can't take care of her together, watching her grow up and calling u daddy.. wat to do .. it's all fated.

U r a dog lover.. and u wished that we can get a dog together. Last year when u brought me to Pasir Ris pet farm, we nearly bought a dog. But i said we should delay buying a dog as we are going to set up a family together. So u told me tat when our baby girl is 3 years old and when we collected our flat, we will buy a dog. I agreed ..

Lao gong, u always take good care of me and protect me .. whenever i had problems u will  help me to solve it, whenever i had complaints u will listen to me and give me advise, whenever i'm bored u will keep me company, whenever i am sad u will make me happy, whenever i'm tired u will put me to sleep.. when people take advantage of me, u will tell me wat to do, when cockroaches come near me u will help me to chase them away, when i am sick u will take care of me and make sure i am well again, when i am hungry u will cook or buy food for me.. u've done a lot for me, but i dun have the chance to do the same things to u again .. 

i always yearn for a happy family.. as i grow up from a not-so-close family, i've always wanted us to have a happy family. Whenever we walked on the streets and i see happy family together, my heart always melt. U promised me u will do the same thing too, provide me with a happy family.. we will grow old together, our childish growing up, get married and we becoming grandparents.. but my wish will never come truer ,..

I have to admit that i'm quite a lazy person.. u always ask me how come all the girls will go for facial, medicure, pedicure and i don't do all these .. i always tell u tat i dun need all tat .. but u say tat girls should often go for facial and do some self-maintenance.. i know u wanted to have a  pretty wife as u have high expectations on me , a person with good complexion and sexy body  .. I did make efforts to do tat, but i did it in a more thrifty way. I do mask at home, bought some cream to put on my face, i dun eat oily food so tat i won't grow fat.. U said u will buy SKII for me after my confinement so that i can have a nicer complexion.. After my confinement, u promised to go for jogs with me everyday so that i can regain my figure, i guess now i only can go for jogs alone.. But i will try my best to stay pretty and maintain my body shape, just for u ..

I always have bad habits when i converse, i used very broken chinese and english when i talked to u and u always scold me. After a few months i've actually influenced u and u talked in broken languages too.. But u said tat we shouldn't talk to Bella this way as she will talk like us next time too.. I promised u i won't, i will teach her the correct way..

A lot of my friends and colleagues told me that i've changed a lot since i've met u. I used to be very naughty, i love to drink and club and get to know many people .. Since i've met u, i've become a different person, in fact, i've changed to a better person. Thank you for that.. Through ur firiends, i know that u used to be very playful too, but after u met me, u changed, changed to a better person just like me .. guess we are just perfect for each other.. a match made from heaven..

resting pace

Dear lao gong

Here's the picture i've took yesterday on my birthday. I went to visit u, talk to u and crying my heart out for u.. this place is so quiet and peaceful .. may u rest in peace lao gong ..

Every morning, u will say to me "good morning lao po" without fail .. in the afternoon , u will often text me while u were at work and when u got the free time, u will call me and have a small chat with me .. i know deep down in ur heart, i'm very important to u.. still remember once u've told me tat u will only save me if everyone were to drop into the deep sea.. i did say tat u were very selfish, why didn't u save anyone else but only me? U told me tat i am the most important person in ur life..u can live without the others, but not me. I was so touched tat i gave u a big hug.

whenever i see u feeling sad or stress after work, i will try all means to make u laugh.. that's the least i can do to see u smile.. I will make funny faces, do funny actions and used broken hokkien to talk to u .. most of the time i did manage to make u smile, tat's why u always said i was i silly girl.. i know u just love the way i am.. u've told me that everyday after work, u r just looking forward to see me.. and during the weekends to spend all ur time with me ..

In may, we went for our short 5 days honeymoon trip in Bali. I know u felt bad as u wanted to bring me to a nicer beach for our trip.. but i did tell u tat i dun mind going anywhere, as long as i can go with u.. u know i love the sun, the sun and the sea, therefore we went to Bali.. we didn't spent much for our honeymoon, cos' we wanted to save up for our baby Bella.. though the trip is simple, but it's reall beautiful.. Here's some of the pics tat we've took,

'                                                                                                                             

Time passes by so quickly whenever we are together .. 1 year 3 mths was indeed very fast, it just flashes by like the lightning .. memories are still so clear in my mind like it just happened yesterday. However, without u, time suddenly moves so slowly, like a broken clock ..There is a phrase which goes like this "Don't marry with a person whom u can live with , marry a person u can't live without" . This is very true .. cos' we can't live without each other. You could never be replaced by anyone..

A blessing in disguise

Dear Lao gong

My buddy told me it's a blessing in disguise after ur departure .. U've pulled my family members closer, my relatives closer, friends closer and even my long lost friends closer.. A lot of people learn tat life is so unpredictable through u .. cos u'll never know wat will happen tmr .. they have learn to cherish their love ones and live life to the fullest .. But God don't give me this chance to do this with u .. surely, life is unpredictable .. and i never know this thing will happen to u .. if only i could stop this from happening ..
Buddy also ask me tat if i could turn back time, will i try to stop this accident from happening? of cos' i will .. i really wouldn't want u to leave me here alone.. But buddy said i shouldn't stop this accident. Cos' it's all fated.. who knows if i stop this accident from happening and other worse things might happen to us? i think that's true.. this is wat God has given to us .. we must accept the submit to fate.

Last night, my ex working colleagues, Sharmaine, Ivan, Joanne, WeiHong and Mdm Chin came by to visit me. I've never seen them for more than 2 years and never really keep in touch.. but they were so nice. they knew that it's my birthday yesterday and make an effort to came over to my house to keep me company after work..

Relatives and friends bought a lot of things for Bella.. from baby's playpent, to mittens, to baby's cap..they've also bought lots of tonics for me..   these are the things which we've planned to buy together after confinement .. i really sincerely thank them for helping us with this stuff .. I guess all that is a blessing in disguise ..

My love for u will never die

Dear lao gong

my love for u will never die .. no matter wat happens u will still in my heart.. Just came back from cemetery visiting u . It was nice .. with me singing my birthday song, blowing candles, making wishes and playing songs for u to hear.. i know u can hear my wishes , really hope all these wishes will come true .. I've also help u to arrange the flowers and brought u a colour windmill .. hope u like it ..

later in the evening some friends will be coming over to my house to send me their wishes .. really so nice of them to come visit me ..

haizz.. really feeling tired .. so so tired .. not physically , but mentally.. really hope that u r around with me .. i really need a break .. i want to for a short holiday trip with u to relax .. i want to lay down on the bed with u watching tv .. i want u to be by my side every day .. i want to talk to u on the phone .. i want to receive sweet messages from u .. i want to massage u and help u to relax .. i want to bathe with u , help u scrub ur back like i always do ..  i want to lay on ur shoulder and whisper sweet nothings to u ..  i want to hold u tight and tell u i love u ..

Lots of my friends wished me happy birthday .. but wat's 'happy' without u around now ? My friends did tell me not to think too much .. it's all fated .. wat's done cannot be undone .. i always tell all these to myself so that i won't feel so painful .. but i still can't .. in my heart i'm still struggling , although i put up a strong front .. but i will try my best .. my very very best , for the sake of Bella .. i have to protect her and shelter her .. i can't lose her .. my life will collapse without her .. thank u once again for giving me Bella.. As wat my friend said, U gave me Bella to keep me strong .. i will try ..

It's really not easy today .. especially today is my birthday .. Birthday should be a happy occasion to celebrate .. I'm still mourning .. No birthday card from u .. no birthday wishes from u .. no birthday kiss from u .. sigh .. how sad ..

Happy birthday to me

Dear lao gong

It's past 12 midnight .. happy 28th birthday to me .. still remember last year when we celebrated our birthday. U did a self made birthday card to me with all the love notes in it and our photos.. It really touch my heart. cos' it's the first time a guy ever made a DIY gift for me.. though simple .. but really shows how much u love me .. we had simple celebration in your room. U bought a nice cake and a champagne to celebrate.. really heart warming.. and the sweetest birthday ever which i will remember forever.. now i can never get the chance to celebrate with u again.

Tomorrow morning i will pay u a visit at the cemetery again .. i will bring a cake along too .. i will sing myself a birthday song and blow the cake with u .. i will make a birthday wish . i know this wish will never come true.. it will be a lonely and saddest birthday ever .. things will never be the same again without u ..

A lot of people told me time can heal all wounds... i know it does .. and it will happen.. but i will really leave a deep deep scar in my heart that will stay forever with me .. A lot of people also said that u will be up there watching and taking care of me and Bella.. if really there is a chance , i rather u stayed here with us to take care of us .. Your presence really mean a lot to me ..

It's so nice to see my ex colleagues, Sharmaine, Angela, Addy and Tze Xuan standing outside my door at 11.30pm.. they came down to celebrate my birthday with me. It's been a very long time since i last saw them.. really want to thank them for making an effort down cos' they lived quit far from me .. at least i was not at lonely for a moment ..

Ever since u were gone .. night time was so lonely and scary to me .. Almost every night u will sleep close by my side .. How i wish time could stood still during the moment we hug tightly and sleep together .. i know the day would never come .. but i know one day i will join u up in heaven .. will u wait for me ??

It's been a week since u left me

Dear lao gong

1 week has passed since u've left me .. it's raining again.. feeling so down on rainy days.. it just feels like u r crying up there for me.. we have been together for 1 year 4 months and 5 days .. time is just too short .. we don't even have the chance to say goodbye..

I've been sort of a da xiao jie to u .. i dun do wash clothes, dunno how to cook, dunno how to take care of myself .. i know it's been hard for u to have me as a wife .. i did tell myself i will do that all for u .. i will learn to cook, sweep floor, mop floor, iron clothes, make u breakfast and wash clothes for u .. but now i dun have the chance to do tat ..

I got to visit ur blog tat u've done up in year 2008 when u broke up with ur ex gf before me .. I know it's very hard for u cos' she is the one who initiate the breakup.. i know ur heart really aches as i can tell from ur blog .. But i would like to thank her .. i guess without her breaking up with u , i wouldn't have met u and we wouldn't have a cute baby girl ..

I went down to Traffic police HQ with 2nd brother today to record our statement. The police did tell us what happened tat night .. i dun blame u for what u did that night .. i've forgive u .. i dun blame ur friends too , it's not their fault. as wat a lot of ppl told me.. it's all fated .. i can't control wat God wants to do .. I believe God already have plans for us .. From birth till our death .. it's all predestined..

Superwoman

Dear lao gong
Superwoman is wat u think about me after giving birth to our baby.. A few months back we were discussing whether should i go for natural birth or c-section.. I always wanted a c-section but u want me to give birth naturally.. u've given me a lot of reasons.. said that babies who r borned by natural birth will be cleverer, healing period for natural birth will be faster, i will love our baby more by natural birth and it's cheaper giving birth naturally.. U promised me to be on my side when i go for delivery..

Indeed, u keep up to your words.. 2nd August morning, u accompanied me to KK hospital for delivery and stayed with me throughout. still remember before we check in to the hospital, i was so scared that i cried. But u've held my hands and give me assurance and told me don't be afraid cos' u will pray for me.. Though the process of giving birth is so painful, u really stood by me and gave me support. U told your good friends how brave i was and really salute me .. After giving birth to Bella, u took 1 week leave to take care of us. U know how tired i was after delivery, therefore during this one week, u've given all of u to our baby girl. Ur actions really tells me how much u love Bella. U've also knew that I've used all my strength and energy to push our baby out and how much i've been through during the pregnancy.. after birth, my whole body aches like it was going to fall apart. Whenever u r free after taking care of Bella and put her to bed, u will give me a good shoulder, back and leg massage to make me feel better.. Now my body aches too, but no one will ever massage me like u do anymore .. I will never forget how good u've treated me..

Since u've gone, a lot of friends are on my side to accompany me and giving me support .. even my long lost friends and those whom i haven't been contact with have sent me messages to ask me to be strong and take care .. I know they will never understand how painful it is for me, but i'm really thankful for their concern and the encouragement they've given me..

This morning when i woke up, i gave Bella a morning kiss like u always kiss me in the morning.. Bella smiled at me.. for tat moment, i smiled too .. I've never smiled from my heart since the day u left.. u always tells me to talk to Bella as much as possible, so that she will recognise our voice, i will definitely do tat .. A lot of ppl said that Bella is very cute .. guess she has ur looks , she looks as cute as u ..

Last night while i was asleep, aunt covered me with a blanket as it was cold at night .. i started to think of u .. how u will cover me with blanket and keep me warm .. how u hugged me tight and keep me safe .. I always complain to u how noisy u snore at night.. but i really didn't mean it .. now i really missed ur snore cos' i know tat u r safe by my side .. i can't hear u snore anymore .. my heart really hurts so badly tat nothing can be done tor fix it back ...

I know u like to use ur Iphone. Iphone is ur only entertainment besides TV. I always complain and nag at u cos' when i'm with u, u always take out ur iphone to play games. I wanted an iphone too.. so tat we can play games together. U promised me tat u will buy iphone4 for me by the end of this year.. U said u will save up and get iphone4 for me.. now i'm holding ur iphone, i will keep it safe as i know this is one of the things tat u loved...

Lao gong, ur ex classmate, May, has told me some things about u that u've never told me before. She said that u were sad cos' i've treated u very coldly during the days when i was pregnant.. I gave u cold shoulders, stopped u from touching me and didn't give u enough love. She told me tat u went out to ktv sessions with her 3 times. She also explained to me tat there is nothing going on between both of u. Of cos' i know there is nothing going on. I won't blame u for going out with her cos' i understand tat u r bored and needed someone to talk to .. i know u dun wan to tell me ur problems cos' u dun wan me to worry for u.. Lao gong, i really regret giving u the cold shoulders. i know i break ur heart.. how i really wish i could turn back time ..

最幸福的事

A story from me to u ...

你撑着雨伞 接我那次
已经足够我 记得一辈子
我懂后来你 不是不坚持
爱情本来就 冰冷无意识

泪水离开了 你的手指
那不如让它 留在这信纸
我想女孩子 最贴心的事
让爱的人学 结束的方式

我最幸福的事 当过你的天使
趁鼻酸能掩饰 让我们像当时拥抱最后一次
最幸福的事 吹蜡烛时你总为我许愿的手势
为挚爱的人 在左边心口保留位置 是最幸福的事

某一阵子有你 美得不像现实
多高兴每一幕都微笑着静止

我最幸福的事 牵着你的日子
一段爱从开始 即使分开我们都对彼此诚实
最幸福的事 对那片海用力大喊永远的样子
想得起那时 那天和你傻笑着认识 是最幸福的事

可惜爱不是 童话故事
不能够永远 依赖着王子
再难过其实 只剩两个字
我怎么忍心 为难你解释

U loved me the most..

Dear lao gong

I had long conversations with mother last night. She told me that u have a lot of problems in your mind but u didn't tell us. I know u dun wan us to worry for u . She said that u have bad habits of soccer betting previously. U told me in the past u used to bet and lose a lot of money and cos' your ex gf to leave u. U promised me that u will change and won't bet anymore. I believed u. But mother said that u have recently went back to soccer betting and lose quite a lot of money, maybe that is the reason why this past month u have been so stressful. I know u have good intentions.. u wanted to win more money so that we can have a better life .. but things won't work out this way. As i've told u, a lot of ppl lose money on soccer betting, not everyday is sunday.. wat we should do is continue to work hard and save up money for our future.

This morning, mother showed me ur ex gf photo. I believe is Vanessa, whom u used to love her a lot. The reason why she left u is becos of ur bad habits. But mother assured me that u have already forgotten her and u only have me in your heart. Mother said that u have told her that U LOVED ME THE MOST AND U CAN NEVER FIND ANOTHER PERSON WHO TREAT U AS GOOD AS I AM IN THE WORLD AND NO ONE CAN EVER REPLACE ME IN YOUR HEART. Tat moment i broke down and cry.. U never tell me this before.. I never know that u loved me so so much.. I'm so sorry that i doubt u when i saw different girls messaging u on the msn and facebook. I'm so sorry that i was angry with u for a moment when i found out that u flirted with girls in facebook and msn. Mother asked me to forgive u becos the reason u did that is u r bored. I know u used to flirt with girls online and asked them out for meetings. I didn't know u did that behind me while i was with u.. Lao gong, i forgive u. I know u did that out of boredom and u have no evil intentions. Mother said that u r so sad that after we married, we cannot live together as our house is not ready yet. Mother also said that u felt very bad not providing me with good life. Lao gong, i want to tell u that all these are not important, the most important thing is that u r happy being with me. I dun wan any big house or any branded goods, i only want u in my life. Even if we are poor, we can still be happy as long as we have each other. I know u always put me as number 1 in your heart. I do too ..

This morning when i wake up, i really wished i can see u when i open my eyes lying beside me. In the past when we wake up in the morning, u will give me a morning kiss and prepare breakfast for me. I felt so lonely this morning. I can't see u.. really still can't believe that u r no longer around.

Ur god sister, Ameline, visited ur grave yesterday evening with her baby girl and hubby. She broke down and cry when u sees u there.. I did ask her to be brave and strong. But i know it's difficult, cos' she loves u a lot too.. she can feel that u know she came to see u ..

Yesterday evening, your good friends, Ming Hong, Jiajia, stanley, stanley's gf and chang guo came by to your house to pay me a visit. We've talked so many things about u, about how good u r and also your bad habits. I would like to say thank u to them for keeping me company.. They are really good friends and u r a real lucky person..

Last night i waited for u. i can't sleep, really hoping to see u. But u didn't come back. My aunt said that she heard Bella laughing very loud in the middle of the night. She said that u came back to play with her and make her laugh like u always do. I'm glad that u came back to see Bella, i guess u r most worried for her..

Last night i logged in to your computer. When i opened ur picture folder, i found out that u've saved all my photos and our photos.. From the day we first met, to our zoo trip, phuket trip, bintan trip, bali trip and all our daily photos taken.. u've kept so many of me in your folder.. tat really shows how much u love me..

Lao gong, i know u like pretty ladies. Ladies with long hair, big eyes, sexy body.. I know i'm not up to that standard, but u still love me as much. U did boost to me that all your ex gfs have good figures and very sexy, it really makes me jealous. I always think, am i good enough for u? U did tell me tat i was good enough for u cos' in your eyes, i'm the prettiest and the sexiest wife.. U r the most good looking and the best husband in the world...

Not only u r a good hubby, u r a filial son too. I know sometimes u talk to ur mum in a harsh tone, but u still love her a lot. sometimes when we go out shopping, we will always buy some food for her.. when u went home late due to busy work schedules , u will call her to tell her too. U did mention to me before if u were to go outfield or overseas training for a month, i must go and visit mother every week cos' u r worried for her staying alone at home. Ur mum knows that u r filial too, she told me tat u r still a big baby in her heart.. Mother treats me like her own daughter too, this morning she went out to buy breakfast for me.. i felt so bad .. she is really a nice mother ..

Life is really so short.. Without Bella, i think i will join u up there in heaven. I can't live without u , i really need u in my life .. i just can't let go..

Paying u a visit

Dear lao gong
It's 4pm. I'm just back from the cemetery after visiting u. I managed to hold back my tears. I dun want to cry in front of u and make u worry for me .. I've told u wat i needed to tell u at the cemetery.. hope u can hear wat i've said.. i thought that the people won't put up the grasses so early.. to my surprise when i reached there, grasses has be planted already.. Ur god sister is on her way there with her baby girl and hubby to visit u. i guess it's been a long time since u last met her rite? She has asked u before some time back to meet u and me up for steamboat dinner some day, but u r very busy wth ur work schedule. Therefore we didn't get the chance to meet for dinner..
I'm now looking at the sms u've sent to me last year on 19 aug 2009 at 6.10pm. Here's wat u text me:
"Lao po lao po my baby darling! Guess what, we are together for 4mth 9 days already.. everyday i sees u with joy and sweetness in my heart, my heart melts like a candy floss when our eyes meet and i juz wanna give u a little peck on ur cheek or lips.. No matter how tired I am, i'm always looking forward to meet you. I just love the way u r, silly silly one..I'm so glad tat i've found u, i promise i will cherish u and treat this relationship right. Lastly, dun be obsess with ur figure, what i need is a gal who loves me and treat me nice.. Juz eat ok and dun starve yourself.. =)Love u!"
this message is so sweet and it really touched me.. No one has ever sent such sweet love notes for me before.. i know u love me .. all these words came the bottom of your heart.. i really hope that i can turn back time and love u more..
Bella is sleeping beside me now.. she is so beautiful.. still remember in the hospital after my delivery when bella is lying in the nursery room with the other babies .. u told me that our baby girl is the most beautiful among all.. Yup i agree with u . Our baby is the most beautiful one in the world. U said that 1 baby bella is not enough, u wanted to have another baby so that Bella won't be lonely. I said i think about it first cos' the feeling of natural birth is really scary and painful. But i guess Bella won't have another brother or sister anymore without u.. how sad...
In april, Before we go for our ultrasound scanning, u told me that u hope to have a baby boy. I told u that i want a baby girl.. I asked u y u wanted a boy, u said that when boys grow up, we dun need to be so worried for them. If we have a baby girl, we will be more worried that they will be cheated by bad guys.. I agree it is true, but if we educate her well and talked to her , it won't happen. We will protect her.. That's what u agree too.. Now, i'll be here to teach her and u must watch over her well in heaven..
August 16 2010 was the worst day of my life.. When i heard the news that u r gone, i really don't believe it. I keep telling myself it's just a dream and i hope i could quickly wake up from this nightmare. I'm a very weak person and broke down easily.. I cannot take it if anything bad happens my love ones.. I depend a lot on u.. I can't make good decisions and always seek ur advise. Everytime when we want to go out, i will always ask u where u want to go and i will go with u.. I really can't live without u. It's very hard for me to accept the truth. Till now, i still can't..

First weekend without u,,

Dear lao gong
Today is the first weekend without u.. I know u always look forward to weekend because u can get to relax and spend time with me. For the past 2 weekends u don't have the chance to relax due to ur busy YOG work schedule. My heart really hurts to see u work non stop everyday. I can't help u, but at least i would try to stop making u worry for me.
Still remember in May this year we went to Bali for our mini honeymoon trip after our wedding. Even though is just a simple short 5 days trip.. it is really nice. Sweet memories will always be in my heart. This is the photo taken in one of the restaurant when we waited for our food to be served. You said that u look good in this photo.. i dun deny tat.. U always look so good when taking pictures.
I just fed Bella milk.. Not sure why suddenly she vomitted all her milk out.. i was so scared tat i cried again.. guess i'm not good enough to be a mother.. i poke myself while changing diaper for bella.. in the past when i got injured u will always sayang me and helped me put medication. no one will do tat for me now..
Lao gong i know that u r a thrifty person.. during the times when we date, whenever we go shopping u never go to men's department or look at the things u like.. when i ask u y u said that u dun wan to waste money unnecessarily on clothings cos' u have a lot at home. If can remember, u haven't bought a t-shirt for urself before. U said u wan to save up the money for our future and for our baby..i used to spend a lot, but after hearing wat u say i started to stop shopping too.
Now i can never smile again.. i'm a completely changed person. As u know, i was a very cheerful and talkative person. I liked to make funny faces, disturb u and make u happy..
U always told me to talk to Bella more so that she will recognise our voices.. but for the past few days i haven't been talking to her cos' whenever i carry her i will think of you. I always laugh at u when i see the way u carry her cos' it is very funny. A big size giant carrying a little baby..Now i could never see this and laugh again.. I will try my best to talk to Bella more..
I miss ur hug.. Ur hug gives me warmth and i feel so safe in ur arms.. I never tell u this before.. i guess no chance to say that to u again..
whenever u call me, u will always ask me how's Bella.. Still remember when we discuss what name to give for our baby girl, u joked and said "let's call her rambu cos' ur surname is Tan .. so she shall me named RAMBUTAN" . It was so funny and from then on, we keep calling her rambu when she is still in my stomach.. so whenever u call me, u will ask how's rambu doing in the stomach, is she a good girl today. Lao gong, i know how much u love Bella. Bella is always very active and kicked me very hard in my stomach before she is born. U always put ur face on my stomach and tell her not to kick mummy so hard and be a good girl.. How sweet of u ..
I know whatever i do u will never come back to me.. Crying won't bring u back either. I just finished chatting with my buddy, Henry, on the phone. He asked me whether did i dream of u at night when i sleep. I said that i didn't sleep much and can't stop crying. He asked me not to cry so much so i won't get so tired.. He said tat only when i'm not tired i will dream of u .. I will listen to his advise..
It's 12.30pm now.. i will go and get ready to wait for my brother to come back as he will be fetching me to the cemetery to visit u later..
Love u always..

missing u ..

Dear lao gong ,
i really miss u .. I just helped my aunt to thread the needle as the needle hole is too small.. i still remember last week u've helped her to thread the needle and u boast that last time u always help your mum to do that as she was a seamstress.. i still can't believe that u r gone..
mother just called me .. i told her that i will be visiting u in the cemetery tomorrow.. she asked me to pray to god for u .. i will definitely do tat.. she is very caring, she asked me not to stand near if there's people doing their ceremony..
U've asked me before if u were to die one day, wat will i do? will i cry ? will i remember u ? will i get someone to replace u ? I didn't give u an answer .. becos i believe that we will grow old together and see our baby girl grow up.. But i did tell u tat i won't be able to take it if u leave me so soon and i dun believe this will happen to me.
U've also asked me how old i want to live until .. i told u tat "until 50 enough liao". U started to get angry and scolded me .. U said "how can u be so short live? We will definitely grow old and die after 80" .. u promised me tat.. but God took u away from me .. it's just too unfair.. really...

Lonely friday night

Dear Lao gong,
this is the picture i've took this morning right after bella has her bath.. Bella is 18 days old and growing well..Bella missed u..
On wed 18 Aug, your burial is set at 4pm.. I did not bring Bella along becos it is not very good for baby to visit the cemetery before she is full month.. Aunt took care of her at home. When i went back home, aunt told me that she kept crying and refused to sleep from morning till 4 plus. Aunt said she finally slept at 4.30pm.. and tat's the time when u were buried. I guess Bella can sensed that you are not around anymore and she is crying for you.
I just called mother, she asked me to stay over in your room tomorrow night because according to the chinese tradition, your soul will come back home to see us for the last time. Bella will be at our Yishun house, your mum and I will be back at your house. Please do visit us. I really yearn to see you, give u a warm hug for the last time and give u a goodbye kiss.. It's really hard for me living these 5 days without u. I really want to thank u for giving me baby bella.. without her, i will definitely die with u .. she is my only hope that i cannot afford to lose..
Your best friend Ming Hong and Jiajia will come visit me tomorrow at your house. I've asked them to give me a call before they come by.. i will reach your house in the evening after my dinner at home.
This evening 2nd brother called me. He said that on monday he will bring me to Traffic Police HQ at 2pm as the police would like to see us and give us some updates..
Jason, my insurance agent, came by my house this evening. He has helped me checked all the insurance companies regarding your insurance. Luckily u have bought 2 personal accident polices and has 1 cpf investment from AIA.. He will process the claims for me.. for the DPS claims, i need to go down to great eastern to file the claim next week. As for your motorbike claim, i need to go down to the place where u bought the bike to claim and for our house they we applied, i need to go down to HDB to settle.. haizzz.. it's really tiring.. I really dun need all this money.. all i need is u.. I dun mind being poor while we stay happily ever after..
Channel 8 is showing "Love", the chinese long serial.. U said that show is very bo liao and longwinded.. but after u watched for a few episodes.. u start to follow this serial .. who said it's bo liao? but these few days i didn't watch it.. my mind is in total blank.. even though my eyes are watching the tv, but i'm not listening.. I'm always thinking of u very hour, minute and second..
Lao gong .. Can you please come back to me?? I really need u desperately..

it's a rainy friday morning

dear lao gong,

here's a photo of our baby bella taken on 12 aug and i've mms u .. when u received it, u told me how cute she is and set her on wallpaper on ur iphone.
it's raining in the morning .. so cold when i wake up .. how i wish we could hug tightly under the blanket .. but i can never get your warm hug again. everyday i will pray that it won't rain in the morning and late evening cos' these are the time when u will go to work and come back home. in the afternoon, i will pray that the sun won't be so hot so that when u travel, u won't be tanned under the sun .. As u are riding bike, it is very dangerous to ride under the rain and i wouldn't want u to fall sick.. now , it doesn't matter whether it rains or shines..
lao gong this morning me and aunt have already bathe baby bella .. her appetite increased.. now she drinks 3 and a half scoops of milk ... dun worry , she is growing healthily.. now she is passing motion .. but just now after we bathe her, she vomitted out all the milk, i was so worried and cried.. bella was so scared and she cried too , luckily she is ok .. she is very ok now...
Tomorrow my brother will fetch me to visit u at the cemetary .. i will bring baby bella to visit u after her full month. ur god sister will bring her hubby and her baby to visit u too .. i've chatted a lot with ur god sister , she is really a nice person and understands u a lot.. she is also giving me a lot of support.u r really lucky to have a nice sister like her.
I've called mother yesterday to check whether she is ok. I'm very worried for her cos' she is staying alone at home. She has went back to work yesterday.. she asked me to stay over in the weekend to accompany her and wait for u to come back home to see us. I will do that for her.. this weekend i will be staying over in our room. Please come back to visit us. Bella will be staying at our yishun house. i really would like to give u a warm hug and a goodbye kiss...
on 2nd august, u accompanied me to kk hospital early in the morning to welcome the birth of our baby girl. u've took 1 week of leave from your busy schedules just to take care of us. Giving birth is not easy , we've waited from 7am till 7.56pm for our baby girl to come out. during the process, u have really given me a lot of support and asking me to push all the way and don't give up .. i listened to u and nearly tore off your clothings , so sorry lao gong. when our baby girl comes out, i can see the tears of joy from your eyes. u can't keep ur eyes off her and keep taking photos of our baby . Throughout the 3 days stay in the hospital, u've accompany me from morning till night. U went home late and came down early in the morning. i knew that u r tired, but u still make the effort to come down to visit us. i can still remember the first time u feed our baby and how u change the diapers for her. After we are discharged, u've stayed with us in my house to take care of us.. These moments really warms my heart.. time is really short.. God took u away from us when bella is just 2 weeks old... how cruel ...
After your departure, i've get to know many of your friends and camp mates.. they're really nice people, giving me the support and help that i need. i've chatted with some of them in facebook and they've asked me not to give up. I will give them the information of your location once the tombstone is ready so that they can come visit u.
Life is really very different without u in my life.. I've lost hopes and given up on many things. we've no chance to watch movies, eat delicious food, watch tv, going for exercises and do many other things together anymore.. it's really a pity.
I will call ur god sister Jie too cos' she will also be my jie. She has told me many things about u and giving u many advises that u will listen. She has told me how heartbroken u r when Vanessa broke up with u . I know that Vanessa is ur very first love. Both of u did plan to get married. I've read ur email from her that u have saved in 2006. U've done so many romantic stuff for her. I'm not jealous, i really envy her..
Even though u r not a romantic guy, but u r a caring and loving hubby. I really love every part of u and all the things u've done for me. U always like to remove ur t-shirt in front of the mirror to admire ur own body. U always told me that u r good looking and fit. Everytime my reply to u is "ok lah". But in my heart, i really feel that u r cute and sexy..
The last thing u have brought for me is a anti-stretch mark cream. After giving birth, u know that i'm very worried about my own body and afraid that i won't be sexy anymore. I can still remember u told me that my thighs and arms are ok, except that my waistline is stil very large. I've showed u my stretch marks and u said that u will by the cream for me.. U also promised me that we will go out for jogs after my confinement to regain my figure.
After giving birth, my whole body aches cos' i've used a lot of energy to push the baby out. After i was discharged from the hospital, u give me shoulder and leg massage everyday without fail.. Now my back aches, but u will not be able to massage me anymore.
After a day of hard work, u like to lie down in bed to watch tv and relax. In the past, we used to do that.. even though on weekends we don't go out and always relax at home, i still love the feeling of being with u, hugging tight and watching tv.
I know that u r under a lot of pressure at work and u feel very tired.. i've told u to tell me what happen at work, at least u will feel better talking out. But u always keep it to yourself cos' u dun wan me to worry as i was pregnant. June and july are busy months for u as u r in charg e of the YOG.. u worked from early morning till late every night. Even on weekends u have to go back for meetings. It really breaks my heart to see u so tired. U've told me that after YOG u have a very tiring course in the army. U need to keep fit and build up ur stamina.. U said that u r getting fatter and need to slim down. Indeed i can see ur stomach bulging stomach.. but it's ok, u r still sexy.

I know u have bought some insurance from AIA. Ur mum did remind me to settle ur claims for the baby. I know u dun like to buy insurance as u've said to me is a waste of money. I bought quite a lot of insurance for myself, u said tat i was very kiasu. But i feel tat insurance is important. I can't contact ur agent, Galdys. Therefore, i've contacted my agent, Jason, to help me out. He was very shocked to hear the news but he offered to help me. He is very helpful. He said he will settle everything for me and ask me not to worry. Lao gong, rest assured that i will open a bank account for the baby and i will pass all the money to Bella.

I know that you like girls with long hair and bangs. Just before i give birth, i've went to the salon to cut my very very long hair to shoulder length. You said that short hair doesn't suit me, but i still have to cut because it's will be difficult to manage during my confinement. U understand my point and let me cut. Lao gong, since u like me to have long hair, i won't cut my hair shorter after confinement, i will keep it long just for you.

One of my aunt suggested to get a counsellor for me. She is worried that i sink into deep depression cos' i keep crying everyday.. I'm still thinking whether i need ..

Due to your stressful work, u've never stopped smoking. i've always told u smoking is bad for health and a waste of money. U promised me that u will quit one day.. i know u have been making efforts to quit, but u just can't cos' u r just too stress. I can understand, therefore i didn't stress u to quit smoking. Sometimes u told me that u r very good boy as u have tried to stop smoking for a few days, but i didn't encourage u and still pour cold water on u by saying that "aiya it's only a while lah , u will continue back". i'm so sorry that i said that. I should have encourage u rather than saying these crude things.
Lao gong, no one will ever replace u in my heart. U r always my number 1 ..