First weekend without u,,

Dear lao gong
Today is the first weekend without u.. I know u always look forward to weekend because u can get to relax and spend time with me. For the past 2 weekends u don't have the chance to relax due to ur busy YOG work schedule. My heart really hurts to see u work non stop everyday. I can't help u, but at least i would try to stop making u worry for me.
Still remember in May this year we went to Bali for our mini honeymoon trip after our wedding. Even though is just a simple short 5 days trip.. it is really nice. Sweet memories will always be in my heart. This is the photo taken in one of the restaurant when we waited for our food to be served. You said that u look good in this photo.. i dun deny tat.. U always look so good when taking pictures.
I just fed Bella milk.. Not sure why suddenly she vomitted all her milk out.. i was so scared tat i cried again.. guess i'm not good enough to be a mother.. i poke myself while changing diaper for bella.. in the past when i got injured u will always sayang me and helped me put medication. no one will do tat for me now..
Lao gong i know that u r a thrifty person.. during the times when we date, whenever we go shopping u never go to men's department or look at the things u like.. when i ask u y u said that u dun wan to waste money unnecessarily on clothings cos' u have a lot at home. If can remember, u haven't bought a t-shirt for urself before. U said u wan to save up the money for our future and for our baby..i used to spend a lot, but after hearing wat u say i started to stop shopping too.
Now i can never smile again.. i'm a completely changed person. As u know, i was a very cheerful and talkative person. I liked to make funny faces, disturb u and make u happy..
U always told me to talk to Bella more so that she will recognise our voices.. but for the past few days i haven't been talking to her cos' whenever i carry her i will think of you. I always laugh at u when i see the way u carry her cos' it is very funny. A big size giant carrying a little baby..Now i could never see this and laugh again.. I will try my best to talk to Bella more..
I miss ur hug.. Ur hug gives me warmth and i feel so safe in ur arms.. I never tell u this before.. i guess no chance to say that to u again..
whenever u call me, u will always ask me how's Bella.. Still remember when we discuss what name to give for our baby girl, u joked and said "let's call her rambu cos' ur surname is Tan .. so she shall me named RAMBUTAN" . It was so funny and from then on, we keep calling her rambu when she is still in my stomach.. so whenever u call me, u will ask how's rambu doing in the stomach, is she a good girl today. Lao gong, i know how much u love Bella. Bella is always very active and kicked me very hard in my stomach before she is born. U always put ur face on my stomach and tell her not to kick mummy so hard and be a good girl.. How sweet of u ..
I know whatever i do u will never come back to me.. Crying won't bring u back either. I just finished chatting with my buddy, Henry, on the phone. He asked me whether did i dream of u at night when i sleep. I said that i didn't sleep much and can't stop crying. He asked me not to cry so much so i won't get so tired.. He said tat only when i'm not tired i will dream of u .. I will listen to his advise..
It's 12.30pm now.. i will go and get ready to wait for my brother to come back as he will be fetching me to the cemetery to visit u later..
Love u always..