Is it my fault?

Dear lao gong

Had a chat with mother over the phone yesterday .. she seems sad .. still crying over the phone when i talked to her .. But this one sentence from her , and maybe your whole family , really makes me sit down and think , is it really ME who cost your life?? .. she said that why aren't we staying together after we get married.. if we stayed together, maybe u wouldn't go out that night and nothing would have happened. Yup it's true, if i were with u that night, u wouldn't have meet up with your friends and that accident won't happened. But at that time, i was doing my confinement.. If i stayed at my own place, my aunt will be able to take care of me and helping me to look after the baby ,, If we were to stay at your place, we have to hire a confinement maid which will cost us about $3k ... Therefore, u have decided to let me stay at my place and when u got time after work, u will come over to stay with us .. After i finish my confinement, Bella and I will go back to your place to stay for the next 3 months, when my maternity leave ends. Never did i know that this decision that we made will cost your life.

I know u always tell mother that u felt bad for me cos' we are not able to get a place of our own to stay after we got married.. U told her that we still need to wait for 4 more years for our BTO flat to be ready at Buangkok Green.. U always compare yourself with your good friends. And most of them will be able to get a flat to stay together before getting married.. therefore, this thing makes u feel that you are not up to standard as compared to the rest.. But I really don't mind.. I don't mind waiting for another 4 years for our flat.. as I've told u , this is a good thing too , cos' in these 4 years, we have the time to plan and save up some money for our new home . After we married, we actually planned to stay at your place and sometimes at mine .. As for my job, i need to travel between branches, so sometimes it will take quite a long journey from your place to my work place .. therefore if the journey from my own house to my work place is nearer, we will stay at my place. But if my workplace is nearer to your house, i will stay at yours . But during my off days , i will be at your home , waiting for you to come back from work. This is our plan for the next 4 years. U said that this plan is good so that we can see our parents often . Your workplace is at Mandai Hill camp, which is so close to my home at Khatib . U said that u won't need to wake up so early if u were to stay at my place .. therefore, we both felt that this plan is good.

I was so looking forward to spend quality time with u after giving birth as I had 4 months of maternity leave. We can spend 16 weekends together . U were looking forward to that u cos' u said finally I am able to spend all the 16 weekends with u . I told u that i will learn to be a good housewife and a mother during these 4 months. Never did we know that God is so unfair to us ..

I was talking to a good friend last night.. he asked me recently am i being chased by any guys .. I asked him why did he asked me that. He said that in the past, i used to have a lot of suitors.. I told him no and i'm not intending to find another partner anymore. I just wanted to stay as what i am now. He said that i am still young and do i really want to stay widowed forever? Yeah i do really want to stay as what it is now . Lao gong , i love u and i will always will , till the day i die.

I always envy loving couples whenever i see them as i walk down the streets. I will always think , why can't we have the chance to do that everyday ? Why can't we go out as the family now ? Why did u leave so early ? Well.. i guess , i can't have the answer. All i know now is that things were just not fair to me ..

"The bitterest tears shed over your grave are for the words left unsaid and the deeds left undone." I'm sure u know what it means. For the first few times when i visit u at your grave, i can't control my emotions , i broke down and cry. But after the first few visits, I'm able to control my emotions well. I don't cry out loud, but my heart bleeds and I swallowed my tears down. But please don't be worried for me , i will try to handle my own . As people always said , you will be stronger when u face bigger problems. I hope I will . And please, if u r really up there in heaven, do protect our baby Bella...